Chapter 20: Chapter 18: Existence Restoration

“̴̳̱̑̾͝Y̸̛̹̗͈͕̒̌́̅͆̽́̀̓̚͝ŏ̸̪̬͍͛̈́͐͒̈́́̈̎͐͜͝ũ̶̢̝̱̤͎͉̺͖͔͎̓̈́̔̑̋̆̅͆̌̇͘ͅͅ ̵̨̡̛͇̜͙̮͎̪̥̔̽̈́̆̃̀͊͘͘̚̕ͅw̶̢̨̨̯̙̠̖̰̪͙̹̖̠̦̘̌̇̀̐́̀͑̏͑̇̃̐͗͘a̶͉̙̘̩̖͚̦̽̀͆͆̿͂̆̓̀͒͌̊̍̐̕ņ̷̲͕̭̼͎̫͙̝̥͚̫̀͐̔͌̐͆͑̽͋̏̌̇͘͘t̵̹̫̘̑̓̉̂̄͂̾̈́͂͌̋̀͝ ̴͉̞̦͙̲̽̇́̿̐͐̈́͗̋͋̐̀̐͠ţ̶̡̜͍̠̮̼̦̦̬̤͕͐͊͑̈ͅǒ̶̡͙̪̮̗̩͕̟̥̦̺̺͓̯̏͌͛̂͒̅͑͋̊ ̶̢̛͇͇͇̹̮͓̯̆̃͆h̶̡̢̪̪̗̲̝̫͔̟͕̰̲̠͛̚ͅa̵̠͓̲̠̲̖͙̥̋̃̊́͌͆͒͐͘n̸̛̰͇̙̟̠͋g̴̨̬̩͔͉̟̼͎͚͛̊́̑̄̀́̍̈̑̐̄ͅ ̸̫̱̜̼͎̹͔͕̲̈́̃̆̏̎̔̆͐́ȯ̵̮̞̳̭̠̟̮̯̈ú̷͉̬̙̻̇̓̋̐͗̏͑̅͐̃̕͝͠ͅt̸̨̨̛̝̲͒̓́͆̍̄̓͆͒̄̇͝ ̴̻͉̗̾w̶̨̺̠̪̻̜̳̙̞̝͇̖̏͛̏͐̂̋̓̕͝͝ì̷̢̨̩̘̮̪̹̦͎͈̪͖̖̇̂́̄̕͜͝t̵̤͓̯̤͕̙͐͋́̈́́̈́̀̌̂̋̏̽͠ḧ̸̛̭̟̘̥̗͔̘̻̀͛̒̀̆̂̈́͛͂̃̔͠ ̷͙̠̙̬̣̺̦̪̮͂̈́̈́͒̊̽͂̒̂͘͝m̵̢̬̱̰̩͕̲̬̠̺͔̯̻͌͑̉̈͜e̷̡͈̰͈̝͛͐͂͊̏̃͐͗̈́͝͝ͅ,̴͔̣̹̠̣̹̺͍̻̮̯̲̎͜ ̴̖̰͔̯̟̺̉͂͜͜ͅr̵̹̞̥̥̮̱̼̳̯̰̘̘͍̼̹̀̎͆͆͆̀́i̴̼͇͉̝͕̠͕̳͚̭̎̍̉̔̕ͅght? That’s why don’t just watch me….” 

 

“Eh?” I uttered, dumbfounded as to what my mind had produced.

A clear, vivid image of Alisa talking to me in the garage as we played table tennis. 

“This is weird….” I muttered. 

Have I truly gone to the point of no return? Was I usually this delusional that I’d produce a very clear image of my fantasies? I don’t know. I’m sure I’m just tired. I thought as I closed the garage lights and left. 

As I closed the door to the garage, I heard the front door open. “Iven, you here?”  

It was Alisa. 

“Uh, yeah… I’m here,” I replied as I faced her. “What is it?” 

“Tita asked me to bring you outside,” Alisa responded.

“Tita asked me to wake you up for dinner.” In the next moment, another vision flashed through my mind; it was Alisa inside my room; I was talking to her. 

 

“What for?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“I see… well, could you tell her I’ll be right out? I just need to go to the toilet.” 

“Got it.” 

And with that, Alisa left the house and went outside again. 

 

I need some rest… I’m clearly too tired. 

***

And so, the sudden barrage of images continued throughout the night. 

Events that didn’t happen, feelings of happiness that I didn’t receive, motivations that were fueled and lost. 

All of them felt all too real.  

It was as if my delusional fantasies were going full throttle that night. 

For what reason and why were they appearing? 

I don’t know. 

The whims of fate are not for me to decide. 

“I love you…!” My eyes shot open in shock as, in another vision, Alisa hugged me, her arms completely wrapped around me. 

 

“That… definitely won’t happen,” I muttered as I stared at the familiar white ceiling of my own room. 

 

My heart was heavier than ever, so I reached out to my phone and checked the time. 

 

It was currently 3:31 AM the morning.

 

Uwah… only thirty more minutes to go before my alarm goes off. I thought as I stood up straight and got off my bed. 

 

“Fweh…” I uttered as I felt the freezing cold temperature of the early morning, tilting my head ever so slightly. I turned on the small heater on the floor and sat in front of it. 

 

Feeling the hot breeze coming out of the heater, I leaned back against the side of my bed. “Memories… Fantasies… Delusions… what… exactly are they?” I quietly muttered under my breath as I closed my eyes. 

 

Memories reflect a past factual event, whereas fantasies and delusions are simply fictional events made up by the mind. 

 

However, how does one distinguish real memories from delusions? 

 

If the delusion is so natural to the point that you can’t even tell that it’s a delusion, then will that delusion become a real memory? Or will it simply stay as a delusion defined by its definition?

 

“I had fun as well; you’re a fun person to be around with.” Alisa’s voice and words echo in my mind. 

 

I opened my eyes only to see not the room I’d been sleeping in for the past couple of months but something much different. “This is…?” 

 

From my field of vision, I was in an endless space with various stone platforms, a world unknown to me. 

 

By the time I blinked, another person was suddenly in front of me. 

 

There was a woman with straight-long snow-white hair, eyes closed, dry and pale lips wearing a pure white dress.

 

The presence of this unknown woman somehow feels familiar to me, as if I had met her somewhere before in a world other than my own. 

 

“You’re…?” 

 

“Fufu…”

The woman giggled slightly as she took a step forward. 

 

“Remember, Iven Arawi… The happiness you lost, the memories hidden within the depths of your soul, remember everything.” 

 

“What are you-“ 

 

Before I could even finish my sentence, I was suddenly back in my room again, in the same position I had left in. 

 

It was as if I had experienced another delusion. 

 

Am I… no, I already knew that I was insane; my mind is no longer sane like an average person’s. It’s been like this long ago, but what is it? 

 

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It’s like I’m going even more insane than I am already. 

 

I’m scared, I’m tired, a different mix of emotions swirling around within the person known as Iven. 

 

“What do I have to remember? What happiness have I lost? It doesn’t make sense….” 

 

The me standing right now never had any real happiness to begin with. After the mistakes that I made and the realization of how much I hurt people because of my selfishness. 

 

I never once had any real happiness since then. 

 

That’s why there is no possible way any ‘happiness’ could be taken from me because I had none in the first place. 

 

There is no ‘happiness’ to take away from me. 

 

 

That’s not true at all…! 

 

Alisa’s voice echoes in my mind once more. 

 

You do happiness inside you, Iven. 

 

All you need to do is remember. 

 

That’s all. 

 

Even now, I’m still being delusional. 

 

What a joke I am. 

 

Believe me, Iven…!

 

 

This is not a lie; this is not a delusion; it’s all real. 

 

Ahahaha… what… is happening? 

 

I stood up and turned off the heater.

 

Dropping back first into my bed, I tightly gripped my chest, the area where my heart was supposed to be. 

 

I want to end it… 

 

I don’t know what’s real anymore… 

 

The me right now is a dangerous person; I shouldn’t come close to anyone right now. 

 

Don’t give up, Iven…!

 

Even if you forget, I’m still here…!

 

That’s why… please… remember and return. 

 

Return to me. 

 

Not bothering to respond to my outward delusions, I closed my eyes and fell back asleep. 

 

In the next moment, my consciousness was thrown into darkness… 

 

But before everything went dark, I had a fleeting thought. 

 

If it’s you… Alisa, I’ll believe you.

 

***

 

I woke up and opened my eyes to a familiar white ceiling. “Ngh… huh? I’m in my room, but I was just….” 

 

“Then, goodbye.”

“May we meet again.” 

 

Suddenly, all my memories come flooding back to me. 

 

“I’m me… again.” 

 

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