Chapter 22: Chapter 20: Desperate Happiness

“Lilith… she… hasn’t abandoned me….” I uttered as I held the mysterious piece of paper in my hands. “But why? After all that she said, why?” 

Wait… she didn’t say she wouldn’t pick me up again; it was just… me assuming she would. But in this situation, wouldn’t it have been better for her to drop someone who’d rejected her offer altogether? 

“I don’t get it… but I should be glad I have the chance to get everything back… but, but…!” 

I… still can’t kill. 

If I can’t kill, I can’t get it back. 

“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” I groaned loudly. 

In the next moment, I heard loud footsteps come from outside my door, and then my door opened, and my mom barged into the room shouting. “Oi! What are you making so much noise for?!” 

Me, who stopped groaning the moment I heard the loud footsteps turned to her and said. “Nothing… I stubbed my toe on something.” 

“Is that all?” 

“Yes.” 

“Just keep it down, alright?” She said as she closed the door and left the room. 

Awakening my sense of reality, I lay down on my bed, tired. 

I’ll think about it later… 

*** 

Why am I here…? I thought as I wandered into the hardware store. 

Looking from aisle to aisle, I confidently grabbed the things I thought I needed, which included some blue tarps, a couple of types of saws, tape, and large garbage bags. 

All the tools I needed to get rid of the horrible s̴̤͓̞͖͒͂̃̉̓̉̐̂̓̎͋̃̚͝í̷͉̮̯̦̹̹̱̮͛͐̏̑̚͝ͅn̸̹̣̳̮̺̘̲̣̙̞̼͒͋̅ I’m about to commit all to regain my selfishly acquired happiness. 

Exchanging any chance I have at real happiness in my current life for the false happiness I initially rejected in the other world. 

Normally if this was a task that wasn’t at all suspicious, I would search for everything I needed to get rid of human remains and how to commit the actual murder without getting caught. 

But, in the world of internet convenience, you’d never know who is monitoring you. 

For all I know, my activities could be tracked by the FBI or some other organization if any particularly suspicious or dangerous keywords popped up in the system. 

Of course, I’m also leaving behind records if I purchased these items and being recorded in the store security camera, so if anyone knew I was here today, I’m good as dead. 

The police could quickly check the security footage of me buying these items, which would mark me as a likely suspect. 

There’s no reason for a kid like me to buy these suspicious items. 

 

“Thank you very much!” The cashier said as I grabbed the plastic bag of my purchased items and quickly hurried home. 

 

A fresh breeze greeted me as soon as I stepped out of the shopping center. 

The sky was neither orange nor blue but grey. I didn’t check what the weather would be like today but judging by the cloudy skies, my best guess is that it will start raining soon. 

“Shoot… I’ve got to hurry,” I uttered as I started walking at my fastest speed. 

There was no need to run as it didn’t seem like it would start raining any time soon within the next ten to fifteen minutes, so I could carry on this pace. 

However, I really should’ve kept walking at a very leisurely pace. 

 

*Bump* 

““Ah,”” another person and I had uttered in unison. 

“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” I mentioned as I took a step back and apologized to the person I bumped into. 

“No worries, I should’ve been looking as well,” The other person responded. 

Rubbing my eyes for a few moments with my free hand, I eventually stopped and glanced at the person in front of me. “Wait… you’re.” 

“Iven?” She voiced my name before I could hers. 

In front of me was a familiar girl with shoulder-length black hair and black eyes, wearing a teal hoodie and grey jogging pants.

Another girl aside from Alisa who’s been in my mind recently. 

“What are you doing here… Erica?” I asked. 

Yes, the girl I coincidentally bumped into was none other than Frederica De Guzman, my next-door neighbor acquaintance and… my target to m̶̲̖̫̣̏̈́͋̅̈́͑̓̕͝ũ̴̙̮̬͕̭̳͕̥̤͖̜̞͇̥̑̔͂͌͆̂ŗ̶̧̡͕̭̺̼̥̝͉͕͐͗͒͒̑̎̕ͅd̶̩̦̞̍̀̔̿͘ę̴̪̲̟͉͇̭̠̍̐͒̅̃͋̒̉͐̃͌̔͌͝r̸̡̨̬̰͕͚̤͎̣̆̋̇̉̈͂̾̿̃͝.̷̢̱̯̱͓̘͚̻̻̬̠̬̕ ̴̢̛̝̭̜̝̼̦̯̯͕͓͙̘̔̔̈́̏̅̇͑͆͛̽̍͘

“What… I was just doing some errands for my mom,” Erica said as she pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket and showed it to me. 

On that piece of paper were listings of items like eggs, potatoes, onions, etc., etc. 

In other words, an utterly regular grocery list. 

“Oh, I see….” I replied. 

“How about you?” Erica asked in return. 

“Uhm… you see… I… don’t know,” I answered as honestly as possible without revealing the dark intentions I had in store for Erica. 

“What are you carrying there?” Erica asked as she noticed the plastic bag that I was holding. “Tools?” 

“Uh…Uhm…yeah, my dad asked me to get them when I told him I was wandering around here; I was actually just on my home.” 

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah…” 

“Well… that’s fine,” Erica said as I figured I should probably go now before things get even more troublesome. 

“Yeah, anyways, I’ve got to go now… so.” 

“Wait,” Erica interjected. 

“What?” 

“Could you… help me do my groceries?” 

“Huh?” 

“Like I said, could you come with me?” 

“Why?” 

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“I don’t think… I’ll be able to carry all the groceries on my own, so….” 

“Ah, sure… I think I can do that; I’m not in a hurry home anyways.” 

Ugh… what am I saying? It’s like I’m asking to get caught… I thought as I glanced at the plastic bag I held filled with the items I bought for not-so-good intentions. 

“Then let’s go….” Erica mentioned. 

“Ah yeah… sure….” I uttered in response as we both started to head into the shopping center. 

***

We… didn’t talk much as expected; instead of a full-on conversation with each other, words that flew back and forth. 

The air around us was a bit awkward as our brief conversations walking together seemed to stop short and then start again a few minutes later. 

Our topics of conversation weren’t unrelated to what we were doing in any way. 

 

“Could you get that?” Erica asked as she pointed to an item on a shelf. 

“Which one?” I replied as I looked at where she was pointing. 

“That salt.” 

“This one?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Got it,” I uttered as I grabbed the item she was pointing at and placed it in our cart. 

 

Of course, as I was happily helping her with her groceries and getting some stuff for myself, my thoughts were running at full throttle. 

The situation has not entirely washed the fact that I… was going to k̶̡̨̩͎͔̓́͜į̸͉̺͎̭̗͍̀̒͗̾͊͆̏͆̎͆̕͝ḻ̵̡̲͙̼͍̙̬͚̤̥͛́̒̂ͅl̵̺̟̥̅̓̇̐ someone as innocent as her. 

 

 

Should I… give up? 

 

Should I give up on the happiness I gained in that other world and continue to rot away in this place? This place where I haven’t gotten closer to her. 

The place where I’ll die å̶̲͔̭̮̰͎̤̜̘̿̈́̄́͂́̿͜͠l̶̨̻̙̗͚̺̯͇̦̰̓͜ǫ̷̧̛͍̤̼̣̻͇̳̺͍͔̜̈́̿̽̈̂̆̉̚̕n̶̨̧͍͓̭̻̱̙͍̿̿́̀̽̀̋̋̒̓̍͋̅̅ȩ̷̩̙̫͓̮̼̟̜̫̻͌͗̏̓̎́̍̔̌͝.̶͎̭͙̦̫̰͔̦̖̳͓̐̈͐̉̄̍̈́̓͊̓̈͌̕͠͠

From our text conversations, Erica isn’t bad; she’s just an innocent girl I put down as a target. 

 

I’m a horrible person. 

I’m a selfish person. 

I’m at fault for everything just because I wanted to become happy. 

Is that so wrong? 

 

It probably is. 

I’m not blind; I’m not an idiot. 

I could tell… that this world could be happy for me and the others. 

It’s just that I won’t have the help of anything supernatural to reach it. 

It has to be me alone who reaches happiness in this world. 

I have to work on it myself. 

 

But, I can’t… 

As long as the idea that I am a horrible person ingrains itself to me. 

I can’t ever willingly choose that hard-earned happiness. 

 

 A villain like me has to stick to my role. 

My character is not good but rather evil in a sense. 

I can’t be happy through normal means because it is as fate dictates. 

 

My fate is to cause suffering to those around me, and… even though I have strong feelings against it. I fully accept it. 

 

There’s no fighting back. 

 

I can’t fight back. 

 

The moment I accepted those eyes for my own selfish happiness. 

 

I had already lost every single bit of humanity that I had. 

 

Please… forgive me…. 

 

Alisa. 

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