Chapter 5: Chapter 5: Glad You Came

[All men who physically kill a man are secretly gay; each one of them have fantasies of sleeping with a man, so you better use a gun cowboy - James Gunn, Ewing Police Chief.]

Tony was being stared hard by Jin Fugui but Tony's mind was elsewhere, as his small, maybe medium-sized brain was throbbing with pain, he felt that someone was chopping his cerebellum into little pieces. After a minute, finally the pain ceased, and there was a sudden clarity, Tony saw the planets, stars that were way way beyond the Milky Way, Milky Gay (Where only gay men live, a secret galaxy protected by FBI) and even Andromeda Galaxy he was a pathfinder even when he still was on earth. Maybe the aliens data pack had expired because soon after Tony heard a voice in his head. "System Booted. Welcome to the best day of your life. If you have any question you better forget them as your 'Explorer System' isn't run by a highly intelligent AI... the creators of this system have just copied and stolen the source code of Cortana (A MicroSoft Property) There will be no rewards for completing the missions but you will do whatever mission I assign you, if you want to live. Open your eyes there's a counter running on your left wrist, if it runs out you die. Your first mission's to kill Fala Chen a resident of Blaine, Kentucky without raising any suspicion from the local police, Mission Difficulty - Easy, even a rooster can kill Fala Chen. Fail this mission, and you're just incompetent.

"Did you hear that voice, that mechanical voice? Don't look at me like that I'm not insane. Someone is punking me at this shitty video store?" Tony jumped up and did a Karate-Kid pose.

"I didn't hear a voice." "Neither did I." "Only you can hear the voice of Explorer system, don't try to explain anything, or else you'll wake up naked in an asylum with a severe itch in your butt. Listen carefully as you're a little chick, this great system will give you a newback pack and voila, now you can own a minion."

"Think about anyone you want to make a minion, and an invisible space collar will be placed on their dick, and with your will you can make their dick explode, choose this offer expires in 9... 8... 7..." "4... 3... 2... 1"

"Jin Fugui." 

"Who's grabbing my balls, don't squeeze them so hard, leave alone my testicles, don't ruin the batter it needs to be thrusted into an oven, from Boulder to Chengdu girls have cheated on their boyfriend with Jin Fugu, the heir of Jin Majin-bu."

"Get ready for teleportation." "Tony what's happening? I can feel the earth shaking" Tony didn't say anything he just stared at the heavens and finally he looked at his wrist a countdown timer was going on, and his remaining lifespan was 110 minutes."

"What the fuck where am I?" Jin Fugui asked. Tony just stared at the kids cycling on the road, and he even saw an evil clown chasing after them like a sexual pervert straight out of circus.

"Calm down. I got something like a system, its alienmade. And I picked you as my minion. We need to kill a girl, her name's Fala Chen. We're currently in Kentucky... in the town of Blaine."

"Why would the great sir system chose you of all people. You are an unbeliever like Sarah Palin from Massachusetts, you don't even knew before this day, that such a convenient thing like system existed on this earth."

"Shut up. Quit your bitching, you ain't a bloody pussy. Spread your legs and run, chase after that girl, who's pedalling that yellow bicycle, follow her to the Niggamamamoo Cliff, and kill her by any method of your choice, Your Sir system wants her dead."

"I can't kill, I've a written description from a shrink, it clearly states that I can't even hurt a fly."

"Don't try to crawl your way out of this mess. Your sir system has clearly given me power to bust your balls, I mean that, literally your balls would explode if you don't follow my order. Try it... I'm beggin' you to try it." Tony went down on his knees and spread his arms like that messiah from Far Cry 5.

Jin Fugui didn't argue he ran, he sprinted even faster than Usain Bolt he broke the hundred metre world record but sadly there was no there to tape it, and a world record was thus expelled into oblivion.

Fala Chen was breathing in the fresh hair, and she was wiping her sweat with a towel, her sweat was worth $500 a bottle on Darknet, the Explorer system informed Tony. And Mr. Blair vomited on the ground because he was a clean freak.

Jin Fugui was behind her, in a short time he had run a long distance. Jin Fugui admired Fala's booty wrapped in yoga pants but she was a grape he couldn't chew, because she was going on die this day.

"Hey girl!! You're so dead." Jin Fugui stepped back, he shifted every bit of power left in his body to his legs, and he tried for a superkick to Fala's temple.

A stunned Fala ducked, Jin Fugui almost fell down the cliff but he stopped himself before the tumble unlike Humpty Dumpty.

Fala tried to grab his body, Jin thought she was pushing him off the cliff, she pulled and he pushed, a breeze blew in from the west side and they both went flying through the sky, and later they crashed like  Red Baron's plane.

Tony watched, Jin and Fala's flight before the fall, he didn't have a cowboy hat to pay respect, but he did have something else. Tony unzipped the zipper of his faded jeans and he pissed on the ground as a respect to the dearly departed. A 1000 years before the birth of Jesus Christ our lord and saviour, people of the KukuMuku tribe used to piss on the ground near the corpses of dead loved ones even strangers to pray that the dead would have a better luck next time around.

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"Misson Completed. Adding 2 hours to your lifespan. 2 Hours remaining in your lifespan. I'm sorry your lifespan forever would be stuck at 2 Hours. We don't want you to go on a killing spree. Both the bodies have already been spirited away. Don't worry about the police, both of them have just simply disappeared." 

"Can I have another Minion?" Tony flashed a Martini smile, his white teeth reflected light back to the sun.

"Tony, I ain't your momma!!"

"Then you can be my Daddy!! Daddy I want another minion!!"

"I don't have a daughter like you... what kind of a daughter has a dick!!"

"The one you find at Craigslist..."

"They don't sell people at Craigslist. Its a good site even better than Reddit. The Job offers are hilarious."

"Mister why are you pissing on the side of road... that's a violation according to the Kentucky laws, pay a fine, or spend the rest of your day in Jail." An angry deputy strolled towards Tony.

"I ain't paying, I have a bladder problem, I got this problem while reading Breakfast at Tiffany's."

"Ok man, don't pull out that gun. Look at the color of my skin. I'm white. Pure White. And the believer of all that's good. I own a Bible, spare me in the name of the lord."

"Bang----Bang----Bang----Bang----"

¤ I called my dog Blackie

And he called me a racist

I was stunned and I dropped my phone

On the cold hard floor of the living room

My dog just talked but I was no Doctor Dolittle

I stared at his dark beady eyes

And again he called me a racist

I raised my hand to discipline my friend

But the damn dog ran for the hills

I never saw Blackie again

I posted his headshot on every street,

From Baltimore to New England

I called private eyes to track down my blackie

But I never saw Blackie again

No sir, I never saw blackie again. ¤

[This story's written in front of a live studio audience. No animals were harmed while writing this chapter. IRS only targets Communists - Hugh Crane.]

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