Chapter 10: 2020 (Age 28)

Katie started a new job, finally moved out of home and had the freedom to be himself herself.

5 Jan 2020:
Happy New Year, and welcome to the next chapter of my life. I finally moved out! Yep, as of yesterday, I’m officially renting. Although, I visited (my old) home this morning and went to church (for the very last time) with my family. Afterwards, my brother came over and helped me assemble my IKEA bed (it takes two people, and I’m not great at building physical things).

Last week, Dad encouraged me to find a new church near my new home. I told him I’d think about it once I’ve fully settled (not gonna happen Dad!).

Katie still wasn’t sure if she was really trans or not. But she knew that she liked wearing womens clothes and thinking of herself as a girl. She didn't want her housemates to find out yet, but could dress how she liked in her room (and would occasionally go out dressed like that, being careful not to bump into anyone when she left).

18 Jan 2020:
Am I really trans, or just a transvestite? I definitely do get some sexual pleasure from dressing up as a girl. On the other hand, maybe that’s just because I can’t feel any sexual pleasure while feeling like a man. Anyhow, regardless of whether it’s who I am, or just a fetish, I enjoy it, and no-one is watching (as far as I can tell, I don’t think others can see in my room, and it’s their fault if they try), so I may as well.

Katie had a career to pursue and goals to achieve. She couldn't afford to let anything get in the way of that. Although after she attended some trans and queer events, she found it challenged some of her assumptions.

30 Jan 2020:
I met a trans woman in her 70s at a trans Q and A at the library. I asked her my pressing question about whether transitioning takes energy away from career. She argued that not transitioning would also consume energy (trying to hide self) and that it would only get worse with time. She sees herself as making a difference, albeit now a social one rather than a technical one. People who have transitioned generally regret not doing so earlier. At the end, she asked for my name. I told her “Katie”.

6 Feb 2020:
I went to the presentation by a queer science group. The thing that surprised me was how normal the audience looked. I was expecting a bunch of people with rainbow hair. Guess I had unfounded assumptions about LGBT people based on bad stereotypes rather than the recognition that they are just ordinary people who want to go about their lives and (usually) blend in like everybody else.

Katie was still a bit unsure of herself. While she thought some men were hot, she also liked women. She could almost accept the idea of being a hetrosexual trans woman, but a lesbian??? Maybe Katie was just a hetrosexual guy all along.

8 Feb 2020:
I saw a hot girl on the bus coming home. Or rather, I noticed one of her straps said “Calvin Klein”, which I associate with underwear, and just the thought of women’s underwear makes me horny. I wonder if I’m not a girl after all -- I seem attracted to women. On the other hand, being attracted to women doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want to be a woman. I still can’t imagine myself as a man in a relationship. Maybe I’m a lesbian. But I’m not prepared to admit that to myself. It just sounds so crazy. My brain goes “WAT??”. Perhaps it’s my conservative upbringing. Or perhaps there is some truth behind my upbringing that is right in calling this out as crazy. Perhaps trans groups (specifically reddit feel-good trans groups) are groupthink / confirmation bias and out of touch with reality.

For the first time in ages, when I came home today, I thought of myself as a hetrosexual male for a while. It fitted my physical appearance, and my desire for women. I wondered whether all this trans stuff was just myself being unable to admit to myself that I lacked the courage/self-confidence to be with girls and to think that they would actually accept my advances.

Katie was skeptical about the whole trans concept. After all, how would anyone would know that they are not trans? Didn't most people feel the same way as Katie did?

9 Mar 2020:
I’ve become a bit obsessed with the question of whether I’m trans. I asked a question on Reddit about how one would know that they are not trans. Turns out that many people (or at least those that replied) don’t have dysphoria, that is, they are comfortable with the gender that they are. This was a bit surprising to me, as I hate the idea of being a man, so projected that perhaps everyone hates their birth assigned gender (turns out they don’t).

Katie still got called ‘sir’ by people, even when wearing female clothes. It upset her, but what could she do?

15 Mar 2020:
I found some cute clothes that I liked: a white crop top and some dark grey exercise shorts with ruffles that make them look a bit like a skirt.

I wanted to try them on but had difficulty building up the energy necessary to head up to the counter and try them out. While I thought about it, I headed over to the makeup section to decide which makeup items I’d like, and started taking pics of the ones I’d like to buy. But I didn’t notice a woman that was trying to walk past, until she said “excuse-me sir”. “Sorry,” I said, and moved my body almost flat against the makeup stand to make room behind me for her to walk past. I had been wearing all girls clothes, but the fact that she called me sir indicated that not only did I not pass, but that there wasn’t so much as a hint of femininity about me to so much as make myself gender-ambiguous.  I felt a sinking feeling, an attitude of “what’s the point?” and started debating with myself.

“Why am I doing this?”

"Because it’s all you can do. You have to keep progressing”

“I just want to go back to work”

“Your goal is to improve the world. But you can’t do that if you burn out. Part of your vision for achieving that goal is for you to become more open and make friends with everyone. This (trying on new clothes that don’t conform to traditional gender roles) is consistent with that plan.”

“But I’ll never be a girl. That lady called me ‘sir’ earlier without any hesitation.”

“That’s okay. Your aim is not to be a perfect girl per se, but to work towards being yourself. Even if you fail miserably at being a girl, even if you never pass, you will still have achieved your goal if you free yourself of social norms and are true to yourself”

“oh…”

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“See those costumes for kids? The unicorn princess girl’s costume and the construction-worker boy’s costume? They’re shallow commercialised shit. You are meant to challenge gender roles, not conform to them.”

I finally worked up the courage to go to the change rooms with the crop top and shorts. I told the lady there that I had two items. She didn’t tell me men’s or women’s. Instead, she just gave me a hanger and directed me in the direction of the change rooms.

After much thinking about if she was really trans and who she was inside, Katie decided that it wasn’t a particularly helpful question.

31 May 2020:
Transitioning doesn’t mean restricting myself to a particular role. Furthermore, even once transitioned to a female body, I can always (informally) “de-transition” by dressing as an (effeminate) man.

In short, I think I’m over my fears of transitioning then finding out that I was never a girl after all. I don’t think that the question "am I male or female inside?" is a particularly helpful way of thinking about things, at least not for me. What I do know, is that I want to look more feminine, i.e. I want to take hormones. Maybe I’ll make a full-transition to a girly-girl, maybe I’ll be non-binary, or maybe I’ll just be an effeminate man. I may not be pretty, and end up a wrinkly old lady with masculine features, but that still beats ending up a man.

OMG! Am I actually going to do it now? Am I actually going to transition? I FEEL SO EXCITED!!!! =) ♡

While Katie had originally tried to dress in hot ‘skanky’ clothes, now she just wanted something comfy.

26 June 2020:
I don’t want to dress skanky anymore. I don’t want to stand out. I just want to wear something snug and comfy that I can chill in. Currently I’m wearing my “love” hoodie, which I like, and my blue jeggings (which are a bit cold). Not that I have much choice, as most of my clothes are out to dry at the moment.

Katie started learning makeup.

4 July 2020:
Today I applied makeup to my face for the first time ever. Just in my room for today though. While it looks okay to me, albeit a little bit like a clown, I can only imagine that my first attempt would be a disaster from an objective perspective. As such, I’m planning to wait until I have a little bit more experience before trying it out in public.

Katie still doubted herself.

17 Aug 2020:
I really want to transition. But I’m also scared that it’s the wrong choice and I’ll look stupid. Like wearing short-shorts that reveal your butt. Society might tolerate it, but they’ll be thinking that you are stupid, and they will be right.

On the other hand, I don’t really have much to lose. I can’t imagine a worse outcome than remaining male.

Ah screw it. It’s worth it. I never really fit in anyway. Normal is boring.

I’m still scared though.

Katie decided to get professional help with her transition.

30 Aug 2020:
I think I need professional help. I’ve been dealing with this for literally years, so even if it turns out that I’m not trans after all (although I seriously doubt that there aren't at least some gender issues, albeit not necessarily serious enough to warrant a full transition), I am justified in seeking help. My fear that I’m wasting the therapist/doctor’s time is irrational.

24 Sep 2020:

Last night I decided to give it a little more thought. But time’s up… let’s do this…
Done. Have emailed the gender clinic to put my name in the new patient wait list.

While waiting to hear back, Katie started laser hair removal.

9 Dec 2020:
I got laser hair removal today! They started on my leg, but it wasn’t anywhere near as painful as I expected. On the Internet I read it felt like the snap of a rubber band. I initially assumed that it was like a thick elastic band, but is more like the snapping of a very small elastic band. When she, the laser technician, moved it to my face, she set it to lower power, but it still hurt a bit. Not too bad though.

Initially I started with just my legs and face (and the technician also offered to do my neck). I’m trying to decide whether to upgrade to full body.

 

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