Chapter 3: Chapter: 3 Run and Hide

The girl who killed me was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her gown, which was purposely cut as low as it could go without failing its most basic function, flaunted her breasts like weapons.

When she leaned over me a golden sickle moon pendant swung invitingly between her ample and lightly freckled cleavage and I felt my face going red.

Get it together man, falling in love with your murder can’t end well.

“You killed me,” I spluttered.

The girl smiled then hunched down beside me and patted my head like a child comforting a lost puppy.

“There, there,” she said.

“A pat on the head? You fucking killed me.”

“You don't have to be a baby about it.” She stepped back from me. “By the way you smell like you’ve been rolling in something that shat itself to death.”

“What the hell is going on here?” I asked. “Is this some video game?”

“This is Umbra, I am the goddess Ahri and I will be your guide for... a few minutes... before I leave to do something less gross.”

“You didn't answer my question?”

Ahri stabbed a finger into a cut on arm.

“Real enough for you?”

I yelped like a kicked poodle and nodded.

Ahri wiped her finger on her gown like touching me was infectious.

“Just so you know you did agree to this,” she said. “The terms and conditions of Hero Seeker, section C-line 7 states that the winner may be called upon to save the world.”

“That's bullshit. I just switched between a bunch of dying bodies, got beat up and now I'm covered in some stranger's urine.”

Ahri’s face split into a grin and she trembled with silent laughter.

“You’re not much of a hero are you? Technically those bodies were already dead and so are you. This fancy little bracelet of mine can move souls from one corpse to another.”

She waved her hand and the bracelet fell off of her arm and shattered on the ground.

“Fuck me, that's not meant to happen.”

She frowned at the empty spot where the bracelet had just been sitting on her wrist.

“I have another one in my realm,” she murmured in confusion.

“I'm in a dead person’s body?” I said, still not managing to keep up with the conversation.

She nodded.

“Whose body?” I asked.

“Check for yourself.”

“How?”

“You look at a person and then you just… you know.”

“What?” I asked.

“It's a hero ability only otherworlders have. I don't know the details of every bit of peasant magic that exists in Umbra.”

I couldn't tell which of us was losing their mind so I decided to just roll with it. I looked down at my hands, I wondered who's body I was in, and just like that a message appeared.

*

Name: Talasin Wright

Race: Human

Class: Sawyer

Level: 2

Health: 18

Skills:

-Hero’s Insight

Status:

-Alcohol poisoning

-Bleeding

-Tingle Rot

Spell Cards: 0

*

“Talasin, sawyer, hero’s insight,” I read. “What the hell is tingle rot?”

Ahri laughed.

“You might want to get that checked before, you know...” She pointed at my crotch. “Before the little fella falls off.”

“You gave me a body with an STD?”

“It's fine if you get it in time, some blessed water splashed onto your balls will cure it no problem.”

I had always dreamed of being transported to another world but losing my penis kinda ruined half- no, three quarters of the fun.

“How do I get blessed water?” I asked.

“Kill a god for me and we can talk about saving the little guy.”

“Are you kidding me? I'm not killing a god.”

Ahri blinked at me in confusion.

“You can't say no. You’re my hero.”

“I don't know who you think I am, but there is no chance in hell that I am going to kill another human being let alone a god.”

“Look, Talasin.”

“My name is not Talasin,” I said as forcefully as I could.

“Well, what’s your name you know- from the before?”

I thought hard about it. I felt like the name began with an M or maybe a K, the word seemed just out of reach.

“I don't remember.”

“Ok, so Talasin it is,” Ahri said cheerfully.

“Wait. This is a big deal. Why don't I remember my name?”

“Your brain is small. There are only so many memories that your brain can absorb before it kicks out the extra memories. It’s kinda like when you take too many vitamins and your pee turns bright yellow.”

I stared at her.

“What are you saying?”

“You’re going to start forgetting things,” said Ahri. “Maybe small things at first like your name and your pet dog, eventually as the days go by you’ll forget it all.”

I leant against a wall as the full impact of what she said sank in.

“I'm going to forget my whole life?”

“I’ve been watching you and trust me it’s not going to be much of a loss.”

“I had some pretty great memories actually,” I said.

“Like what?”

“I don't remember, but I'm sure I did things. I had a life dammit, you can't just take that away from me.”

“It's ok, Talasin. Some of us have fabulous lives and others are… you know, the salt of the earth kinda people. There’s no shame in that. I mean, potatoes are kinda boring but who doesn't like fries?”

“Did you just compare my life to potatoes?”

Ahri shrugged and absently fiddled with her pendant as my world slowly came crashing down around me.

For so long I had tried to forget the pain of my past and now it was just going to all fade away like it never happened. I was going to lose my mother all over again but this time it would be permanent.

“Just FYI,” said Ahri. “My Soul Switch spell will have alerted all the gods and half the cardmages in the kingdom.”

“What?”

“You should get out of here. Unless you don't mind being dissected by an apprentice cardmage for some homework assignment.”

“Me? What about you? Aren't you coming with me?”

Ahri dusted off her gown.

“You’re my hero, Talasin. I don't do quests. Too messy, you understand?”

“Wait! I have so many questions.”

“It was great talking to you, but I have to go find myself another hero. Apparently you are a useless coward who can't even kill one person for me. Like seriously, how hard is it to repeatedly stick a knife into someone until they stop screaming?”

She raised a hand and a shimmering gold portal yawned open in front of her. Light shone out of the portal and down the street revealing square houses stacked ontop of each other like they had been built with some kids’ first lego set.

Ahri blew me a kiss and stepped into the portal and I was all alone, with dirt on my hands in a piss soaked street in a world unknown with a penis that was about to fall off.

---

I looked around the empty street and outside the tavern above the door hung a sign that read, ‘The Leaky Harlot.’ Below the sign was a passed beggar with a clay mug clenched in his fist. I wondered if he was alive and then I realized I had my own problems to worry about.

I paced up and down the street not knowing where to go or what the hell I was meant to do.

Do I stay here and get beat up when Gus leaves the tavern or do I find a bridge to sleep under till morning?

I had often thought about where I’d live if I was homeless and under bridges just felt right.

The portal opened again and Ahri flew out of it and fell at my feet.

“Fuck, fucker, fuckidy, fuck, fuck, fuck,” she screamed. She took a deep breath and screamed again. “Fuckkkkkk.”

“Did you forget something?” I asked.

“Fuck you, Talasin.”

She got up and tried to cast the spell again but nothing happened. She sniffed loudly.

“Damned Hood,” she moaned. “The portal to my realm is not working.” She sniffed again. “My powers are gone.”

“Have you tried turning it off and on again?” I asked in my most sarcastic voice.

“What? I don't even know what that means.”

“Maybe there’s some support helpline you can call?”

Ahri poked me in the chest.

“Let me spell it out for you. I- Can- Not- Get- Access- To- My- Realm.”

She poked me again.

“Can you understand me, ape man? I draw my powers from my realm and now it's gone. I'm basically a…” She took a deep breath. “I'm basically a stinking human.”

The first gorgeous girl to talk to me and she’s batshit crazy.

“So what I'm hearing you say is that you’re homeless and begging me, a simple ape man with a broken penis, for help?”

Ahri stamped her foot on the ground like a toddler throwing a tantrum and then she froze as the sound of boots running across cobblestones reached us. Her face grew pale and her eyes shone like a terrified bunny in the headlights of a truck.

“This is bad,” she whispered. “We need to move.”

---

Ahri ran and I followed. My body was surprisingly fit. This Talasin guy clearly worked out.

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We entered a hazy back alley filled with orange smoke. A clicking sound echoed off the walls and I saw an ornately decorated device with turning gears and a small exhaust pipe attached to.

“What is that?” I asked.

Ahri ignored me and kept moving. We stayed in the dark, but even though we avoided the lamps the area grew brighter and brighter.

“What’s happening?” I shouted.

“Above us, apeman, it's a Radiance Zeppelin."

I looked up and saw a glowing carriage as bright as the moon. It was floating in the air like a hot air balloon but instead of a balloon it was carried by a swarm of moths each attached by a silver thread.

Not even the strangest thing I’ve seen today.

Ahri pulled me down behind a stack of crates.

“Don't stand there gawking at it.”

“Are they looking for us?”

“For you maybe. Nobody would dare lay a hand on a goddess.”

“Why are they after us?”

“Well, let's just say the Soul Switch spell which I used four times in a row is not technically legal.”

“So you brought me here without the other gods knowing?”

“They left me no choice, they wanted to investigate quietly- what the hell does that even mean? We need to stir things up, get a hero involved and flush out the godkiller.”

I watched the glowing carriage pass out of sight and darkness returned to the alley.

“What happens if they find us?”

Ahri shrugged indifferently.

“If you’re not scared then why are you sucking on your sleeve like a terrified toddler?”

“Wait,” I said. “Your gown was sleeveless earlier and your top was cut lower too.”

Ahri pulled a sleeve out of her mouth and glared at me.

“Is this really the time to complain about how much of my cleavage you can see?”

---

A patrol of city watch passed by but luckily their chainmail clanked so noisily that we had enough time to find cover and wait for them to pass.

“Can they detect who cast the Soul Switch spell?” I asked.

If the mages were tracking Ahri then it was probably a good idea to ditch her.

She spat out the sleeve she’d been sucking on like a teething toddler.

What I’d give to be that sleeve. Yeah, there's no way I can ditch her. She’s too damn cute.

“We need to avoid detection until morning,” she said. “With my good looks and your blood soaked clothing we’re a dead giveaway. In the morning we’ll blend in with the crowd.”

I was so busy looking at Ahri’s ass… I mean guarding her rear, I walked straight into a statue.

“What is this thing?” I asked.

I looked up at the perfect rendition of a giant that was carved in gray stone. It had a hand on its chin, deep in thought.

“These are the city gates,” said Ahri. She rattled the gate. “They are locked.”

I was more interested in the statue. It was incredibly lifelike and cold to the touch.

“The detail on this sculpture is beautiful.”

Ahri kicked the gate.

“Who cares? We need a way out or somewhere to hide.”

The statue stirred. Its eyes swiveled and settled on me.

“Ahri!”

She ignored me and continued kicking the gate.

The giant stood up and towered over us.

“I've been called many things,” it said in its deep, rolling voice. “But never beautiful.”

It shifted its gaze to the floor and fanned its face with massive hands.

“I think I'm going to blush… Is this what love at first sight feels like- blessed Teon- I think I'm in love.”

A blue haired goddess, glowing zeppelins, switching bodies with dead people, those were things I could process but for some reason a talking statue was where I drew the line.

“This has to be a dream.” I said. “I'm going to wake up any moment now.”

“I know, I know,” said the giant. “Best day ever- can't wait to tell my mom- she said nobody could ever love a lug like me. Who’s the lug now momma?”

Ahri shuffled up beside me, jabbed me in the ribs and whispered, “This guys crazy, let's get the hell out of here before he draws attention,”

“Mr. Giant, can you let us through the gate?” I asked.

“Of course in the end everybody leaves me,” the giant continued as if I hadn't spoken. “It's the life of a gate guard. All I ever wanted was a life of adventure but here I stand watching travelers coming and going.” He blew his nose. “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.”

Ahri pulled me away from the gate. If this was not a dream then having a giant pile of rocks fall in love with me was kinda flattering but if I didn't get away soon things could go south real quick.

“Wait, I didn't get your name,” shouted the giant.

“It's long and difficult to pronounce,” I shouted back.

The giant looked at us longingly like a puppy left out in the rain as we awkwardly shuffled away.

---

We found a stable in a dimly lit street on the far side of town and snuck inside. A few horses stopped chewing and stared at us. It was no Holiday Inn but I was sure nobody would look for a god in a stable.

I found a patch of dry hay in an empty stall and collapsed on top of it.

Ahri looked around in disgust.

“I'm not sleeping here,” she said.

“Do you have any money?” I asked.

Ahri kicked the hay.

“Only peasants carry money on them.”

“Do you have any worshippers that can get us a bed for the night?”

“Umm, no.”

I rolled onto my back.

“Good night, princess.”

“Don't call me that. In my realm I have servants made out of crystal.”

“That's great, Ahri.”

“I own the Blessed Rod of Ages, it's one of the seven treasures of heaven.”

“Ok, get some sleep now.”

“My realm has a bed so large that I’ve gotten lost in it for days.”

“Aha. I'm sure the new occupants are celebrating in it right now. You might want to change the sheets when you get back.”

“Eww,” she squealed and threw a handful of hay at me.

---

Ahri used her foot to build a simple nest in the straw and then she circled it like a dog trying to decide how to settle down. Eventually after staring at the straw for five minutes she gave in and sat down.

“I hate being human,” she said.

“Yeah, it's the worst,” I said. “So speaking about human’s, what do I look like now?”

I wasn't a vain man but I didn't want to be an ugly guy stuck in a new world. That didn't sound like a fun time.

Ahri studied my face.

“Well, you’re pale, like really pale- like anemic pale. You have black hair, most likely covered in cow manure. You have leering eyes like those perverts that walk puppies in the park and stare down the shirts of women who kneel down to pet their puppy.”

Ahri pulled a blade of straw out of her dress and tossed it aside. “Oh, and you have blood running down the side of your head.”

“What?”

“Don't worry I can heal that,” she said. “Not the face.”

She laughed. “No, you’re stuck with that.”

Ahri reached out and touched my head with the tip of her finger nail. A warm sensation spread through my temple.

“Did that do anything?” I asked.

Ahri frowned.

“It's usually more effective.”

I touched the side of my head and winced in pain.

“Thanks princess.”

Of course her magic wouldn't work. She seemed completely hopeless at everything that could be useful.

“Talasin?”

“Yes, Ahri?”

“I'm cold,” she said.

I sighed and took off my coat and handed it to her.

“Talasin?”

“Yes,” I said as I adjusted some straw for a pillow.

“I just want you to know… if I wake up in the middle of the night--”

“Aha, Princess.”

“And you are standing over me breathing heavily,” she continued. “I will rip off your balls and shove them down your throat.”

---

I woke up and saw the pale moonlight shining through the open stable window. Ahri was snoring quietly beside me but some cracking sound had woken me.

A shadow moved in the corner of the stable and I strained my eyes until they hurt. It moved again.

Please be a horse or my imagination.

A light flared in the corner and my body stiffened and a figure emerged from the darkness. I tried to move but my arms and legs were paralysed. I tried to shout but my mouth was frozen in place. I couldn't even blink my eyes.

Ahri moaned in her sleep and rolled over but she did not wake.

The figure reached into a small bag that hung at its side and moonlight reflected off of a single card in the figure’s hand.

The card disintegrated into flames and the light illuminated the figure’s face. It was a man wearing a top hat and holding a cane in his hand. Hood, that son of a bitch from the burning village.

Something moved in Hood’s hand, a red wiggling thing. He picked it up and I could clearly see a worm dangling from his fingertips. He lowered the worm over my face and I tried to free myself from the bonds, but my arms were still locked in place.

The worm gnashed its teeth and moved toward my eye with hunger. It fastened itself to my eyeball with its teeth, then squirmed its way behind my eye and began to burrow.

My shrieks of agony made no sound.

The Harbingers face twisted in a grimace.

“A little bit of insurance,” he said in a raspy voice that grated in my ears. “You have a mission so I will spare your life. The mind harvester will make sure you do your part and it will erase all memories of you ever seeing us.”

---

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