GOD OF CARDS [DECK BUILDING] [LITRPG] [COMEDY]

Chapter 35: Chapter: 35 Bramble Hollow


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My body unfurled like the sail of a ship and the scenery shifted. I staggered out of a ring of green speckled mushrooms and onto squishy sand. 

“My snail,” cried a young boy. “You crushed poor Leonel.”

I blinked as my eyes adjusted and realized that the squishing sensation under my boots was snail guts and bits of shell.

“Holy shit,” said Ahri, stepping up beside me. “That's a huge ass snail.” She looked around. “Where are we?”

The boy watched wide eyed as I scraped the remains of the snail off the bottom of my shoe. 

“I’ve been feeding him for a year,” he said. “I was going to enter him in the fair.”

Ahri knelt down and grabbed two handfuls of sand and let it run through her fingers. She turned to me and smiled, “It's so good to be out of that shithole fairy land.”


It was growing dark when the boy whose name was Chip, led us into the small trading village of Bramble Hollow located on the banks of the Bresa River. 

It was a bustling village, not a place anyone wanted to live but one that had lots of traders passing through and catching ferries up and down the river to places people actually wanted to live in. 

The houses were thatched roofed and built on great wooden stilts. The stilts lifted the houses out of the marshlands that the village was built on and saved the village from seasonal flooding. All throughout the village wree series of raised boardwalks that connected the houses with the marketplace and the docks. 

We’d arrived the day before the annual Snail Festival. What that actually meant I had no idea. I didn't really care either. We were tired and just wanted a warm bed for the night. 

But as we walked through the village we saw throngs of villagers out on the streets. Some were putting tables together and building a stage and others were hanging snail lanterns from every protruding ledge, pole or branch in the village. 

Ahri stood on the highest boardwalk examining the map and planning our next move as I stretched lazily in the late afternoon sun and watched the frenzy of activity in the marketplace. 

I had sent Bel back to her card before we’d left fairy land. She needed time to process everything that had happened and I wasn't the best person at helping a hundred year old woman stuck in a 15 year olds body with her emotional problems.

Ahri looked up from her map and said to Chip, “When does the ferry to Swindon arrive?” 

Chip, who we’d hired as our guide, was still sulking about his dead snail but he told us that the docks were closed during the short holiday and the ferry would arrive the day after the festival. 

We had nothing left to do but rest. We were tired and our bodies were crashing after the whirlwind of emotions and violence we’d just been through. So Chip directed us to the Four Snails Inn. Yes, the villagers really liked their snails. The inn was double storied, red roofed and stood upon massive stilts over the Bresa river. It was probably the best looking in I had seen in Umbra.

The inn was packed though and we were forced to part with a binding card to get a room. After we had signed in I took a long bath and went to bed early. Of course I had to sleep on the floor while Ahri sprawled herself across the double bed.


The next day was the beginning of the festival so I summoned Flint and Bel so they could enjoy the festivities with us. 

“Here's a few copper coins for you each,” I said as I handed them the money. 

“What are we supposed to buy?” asked Bel.

I shrugged and said, “Whatever you want.”

Ahri rested her head on my shoulder and asked, “Where’s mine?” 

“You have your own money,” I said.

“But I want yours too.” 

I gave her a few copper coins of my own stash and she linked arms with me and smiled like a kid with ice cream. 

Flint disappeared to a fortune telling booth and Ahri, Bel and I tried out a few games.

The first game I tried was bobbing for apples but as it wasn't actually apple season the villagers were using onions instead. I came out of the water with an onion in my mouth and some kid’s snot running down my cheek. 

Next, Ahri played a game where you had to catch a fish with a tiny paper net. She broke ten nets and then she went nuts and called the owners a bunch of rat bastard cheats. We were asked to leave the games area after that.


Bel POV

Bel had never seen so many humans before, it was a little overwhelming but she was still having a good time. She looked around at all the stalls and ruffled her hair in an attempt to hide the little demon wings on her head. Hiding her demon side was a habit she’d had since she was really young but Talasin had told her that the wings were cute. She didn't believe him though. Even in Umbra she could tell people were afraid of demons.

Bel gripped her copper coins tightly and followed Talasin and Ahri around as they argued continuously. She wondered if that's what marriage was like or if they were just a strange couple. She liked them though. Ahri was a little bit scary but she was sweet and Talasin acted like a father even though he was much younger than her. Every few minutes he’d stop and look around for her. When he saw her he’d smile and then turn around and carry on arguing with Ahri.

It had been a fine day but as the day stretched on she began to grow tired. As they were passing over a wide boardwalk she heard music coming from a tent hidden away in the shadow of a large willow tree. The only music she was used to was the drunken sighing at taverns but this music was different, it was gentle and as strange as it sounded it seemed to call to her. 

Before Bel knew what she was doing she’d left Talasin and Ahri and was moving towards the tent.

 

She opened the tent flaps and entered. The inside of the tent was lit with glowing snail shell lanterns which created pools of light and darkness throughout the interior. There were strange objects sitting on all the dimly lit shelves and Bel stared at them all in wonder. 

She saw a tall man with blonde flowing hair standing behind a counter. The man wound a key on the back of a small box. He placed it on the counter and the gentle music streamed out of the box again and filled the tent with a sense of magic and wonder.

The tall man looked up from what he was doing and smiled at her, “Hello little demon girl.”


Talasin POV

“A hotdog eating competition, really?” I said.

“It's all you can eat,” said Ahri “And there’s a prize at the end.”

“You go ahead,” I said. “With my luck I’ll probably choke to death on the first one.”

“You still upset about the snot in the onion game?” asked Ahri.

“My mouth was open,” I said. “What do you think?”

She laughed and sat down at the table with a group of intense looking competitors. It seemed that even in this world when it came to hot dog eating competitions people were deadly serious.

A whistle blew and the hotdog eating competition began. Ahri took a bite of the first one and then called an organizer over to bring her some ketchup. 

“I’d be surprised if she could eat more than two of those dogs,” said Chip as he walked up beside me. 

“You’ve clearly never seen Ahri eat,” I said with a smile. “She once ate half a pig all by herself.” 

Chip laughed and leaned over the railing to watch.

“Where does she put it all?” he asked.

“The same place all our money disappears too,” I said. I nodded at a small empty cage he was holding. “What’s that for?”

“I'm off to catch myself a giant snail,” said Chip. “The snail race is tomorrow.”

I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and I said, “I guess I stood on the snail you were going to race?”

He shrugged. “To be honest Leonel never had a chance. I’ve been feeding him table scraps all year and he hardly grew any larger.” 

“Is the race that serious?”

Chip nodded and said, “My dad was the snail breeder of the family, to him it was life in death. He’d feed half of his dinner to his snail each night.”

“Is he here?” I asked.

“No, he's been away for some time,” Chip said and I could tell by his tone that it was a touchy subject. “He left to capture a spell card some time back.”

“What card was it?”

“I don't know. He just said that it would raise the land level of Bramble Hollow.”

“Why would he want to do that?” I asked.

Chip rested the empty cage on the railing and said, “So we could plant vegetables and not get flooded every year. He left one day and never came back. My oldest brother, Marrick, went looking for him. That was three years ago.” 

“I'm sorry.”

“It's ok, mom and I get by just fine.”

I watched Ahri dip a hotdog into a glass of water and then shovel it into her mouth.

“So what’s up with all the snail stuff?” I asked. “Do people here worship snails?”

Chip laughed and said, “No, nothing that crazy. Snails are the lifeblood of our village. They are plentiful and we live on their meat.” He gestured at the table of hotdogs. “What they are eating is 100% snail meat.”

The thought made me bulk. “Probably should have mentioned that before Ahri ate ten of them.”

Ahri lifted her head at the sound of her name. She looked at me questioningly with half a hotdog sticking out of her mouth.

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“What you say?” she asked through a mouthful of food.

I gave her a thumbs up and said, “Keep eating. That anorexic grandma is beating you.”

Ahri looked at the old woman and scowled before stuffing two more hotdogs in her mouth.


Flint POV

Flint couldn't wait to speak to a real fortune teller. He’d heard about these powerful mind readers who could tell you what you’d had for breakfast, who you'd marry and could even tell you when you’d die.

He wasn't interested so much in the marriage part, or the breakfast part for that matter. But he did want to know about his love life and more specifically his lack of a love life. 

He had spent way too many days staying up till sunrise trying to mentally break up with someone he had never even been with after he’d spent the whole day imagining their entire lives together. Even thinking about his imaginary relationships was exhausting.

He finally arrived at the psychic's house. It was a small building nestled between two larger buildings. 

He knocked on the door.

“Hello,” said the psychic. “Who’s there?”

Who’s there? Are you kidding me? Some bloody psychic.

Flint’s shoulders sagged as he walked away feeling once again like the world had taken a giant dump on his hopes and dreams.

“I guess it's back to imaginary relationships.”


Talasin POV

“I can't believe I won,” Ahri shouted for the fifth time as waved her medal in my face once again. 

A group of green looking competitors mumbled something I could quite hear as they passed by and Ahri shouted, “Suck it losers,” and waved her medal at them as well.

“You’re such a sore winner,” I said. “You could at least pretend to be sick after eating forty three snail hotdogs.”

“Snail?” asked Ahri.


“Yeah, that's what you were eating.”

Ahri’s face turned a shade of green and she leaned over the side of the boardwalk and threw up into the river.

“At least you won a spell card,” I said. 

Ahri held up her middle finger and then quickly turned back to the river and heaved again.


Sometime later when Ahri’s skin had turned back to a normal color she pulled out her new spell card and flipped it around in her hands.

“Karakul,” she read. “The shaggy lamb that loves ewe.”

She held the card in front of her and squinted as blinding golden light spilt out of the disintegrating card. The light faded to reveal a round, white, ball of fluff. The karakul lamp licked Ahri’s shoe and snorted.

“What is it?” asked Ahri. “Can we eat it?”

“I think you’ve eaten enough strange shit for one day,” I said. “Why don't you name it. It's your first spell card, it's kinda a big deal.” 

Ahri picked up the ball of fluff.

“It’s a…”

She held it above her head and said, “I don’t know what sex it is, it's just fluff down there.” She hugged it. “It's so damn cute though.”

“Why don't you name it Relation,” I said.

“What?”

“Well, it's a sheep,” I said. “So you would have a Relationsheep.”

“Really Talasin, that joke gave me a kidney stone. No, I think Imma name it Hotdog.”

The karakul blinked its massive blue eyes and sucked on Ahri’s sleeve.

 

“It thinks you’re its mom,” I said.

“You saying I look like a goat?”

I laughed and said, “No, goats aren't that stubborn.”


Flint returned walking with an exaggerated slump and dragging his feet like someone had just ran over his puppy. 

“What’s wrong with the pile of rocks?” asked Ahri.

“Just put me back in my card,” he said. “I hate my life right now.” 

“What happened?” I asked. “Did the fortune teller give you bad news?”

Flint rolled his eyes and said, “What a scam, she couldn't even guess who was at the door.”


The night drew to an end and Bel had still not returned. Ahri assured me that the Hell’s Pixie could return to her card any time she wanted so there was nothing to be worried about. She was probably right so I pushed the thought out of my mind to enjoy the evening with Ahri.

We were finally alone and sitting on a bench watching a firework display over the Bresa river. The air was cool and a sickle moon cast pale light over the calm waters. It was a perfect night.

Ahri leaned against me, her breath a cloud of mist in the cool morning air. She said, “It's cold.”

I put an arm around her and held her close and felt her warm, soft body against mine. 

She looked up at me, closed her eyes and leaned in. 

“Do I have something in my eye?” she asked.

 

“It’s kinda hard to tell when your eyes are closed,” I said with a smile.

Ahri stuck out her tongue and laughed. She had a beautiful laugh, a chiming girlish laugh that was full of life and pleasure.

“You’re not very good at taking subtle hints,” she said.

“I might be,” I said. “Try me.”

“I’ve been giving you one.”

 

“Oh, I get it now.” I smiled. “You’re trying to tell me that I’ve got an eyelash in my eye.”

Ahri’s face fell.

“You’re hopeless, Tala…”

I leant forward and stopped a hair's breadth from her lips. I heard her gasp and I felt her breath warm on my face. She reached forward, her hands tangling in my hair and our lips met. 

Am I meant to put my tongue in, what if I lick her teeth accidently, would that be weird. Fuck, why am I thinking all of this shit at this moment. I should be enjoying it. This might never happen again if I do it wrong.

Ahri pulled me closer and her breasts pressed against my chest and for a few seconds all my insecurities faded and her body against mine was the only thing that mattered in the world.

Finally she drew back breathless and gave me a lopsided smile.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“I'm thinking,” I said. “That I wish you’d brushed your teeth after the hotdog competition. All I can taste is snail.”


Ahri Acquired Spell Card: Karakul

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