GOD OF CARDS [DECK BUILDING] [LITRPG] [COMEDY]

Chapter 45: Chapter: 45 New Summon


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Bel and I arrived at the farm to the sound of screaming coming from the dining room. We rushed inside and saw Ahri holding a chocolate cake and pointing at something on the table.

 

“Why the fuck,” she screamed. “Is there a kobold sitting at our dining room table eating the roast chicken I made for lunch?”

The creature turned to face us, its whiskers covered in chicken grease and its left eye twitching. 

It held its paws out in front of it and said, “Good day mates.” It tipped its head in a bow. “Basil Proudfoot as your service.”

The creature looked just like a kobold but instead of a pig-like snout it had a pointed twitching nose and black beady eyes.

I scanned the greasy looking creature as it drew a long needle out of a pouch in its reddish-gray fur and began picking its teeth.

*

Name: Basil Proudfoot

Race: Ratkin Purloiner

Level: 4

Health: 36

Skills: Fingersmith

Status: Ravenous

*

Ahri slid the cake onto the table and glared daggers at me.

“You seem awfully calm about all this,” she said. “Would you like to tell me what the hell is going on? I don't mind taking in a stray puppy but a giant rat at my dining room table, really?”

“It's not like that,” I said, “This rat-thing got in the way of my binding card just as I was about to bind Ice Breath.”

Basil finished picking his teeth. He put away the needle and said, “It was shiney as fuck.” He nodded and scratched his beard as if the card being shiny somehow explained it all. “You see, you can't just throw out something shiny and expect a purloiner of my caliber to simply ignore it.” 

“Purloiner?” asked Ahri. “That sounds like someone who exposes himself to passing strangers.”

“Would you prefer the ol’ finger smith,” he said. “Or dipper, picker, reefer or swindler.”

“He’s a thief,” I said dryly.

“More of a treasure hunter,” said Basil. “I’ve raided the great troves of Manor Castle, pillaged the treasure chests of the Blood Rover and excavated the tomb of Dus' Tbin.”

The ratkin dabbed his mouth on the table cloth and licked his long fingers clean then he looked at Ahri and said, “Is that chocolate cake? I fucking love chocolate cake.”

Ahri elbowed me in the ribs and said, “I send you out for bread and milk and you come back with the magical beast equivalent of a crazy old homeless man. He probably has fleas and he smells like a trash heap.” 

“We don't use the word, trash heap,” said Basil around a mouthful of food. “We prefer, hill of opportunity. You won't believe it, one day I was minding my own business. I believe I was chewing on a toad flattened by a passing wagon when all of a sudden someone threw a perfectly good cupcake onto the side of the road. When I say perfect I mean hardly a bite taken from it. Yes, most of the icing was licked off and there were a few hairs and a stone or two stuck to it. But man, what a find. Me and my fellow purloiners celebrated that night. We called it the night of the cupcake, not the catchiest name but what a night.”

“Fucking charming,” said Ahri. “Now get rid of him.”

“I’ve tried already and I don't think I can unbind him,” I said. “But Basil you are welcome to leave, we do not believe in enslaving magical creatures, I only keep those that want to be here.”

“It's no problem,” said Basil as he pulled a drumstick off the chicken. “You bound my soul fair and square. You’ve got me now- for life.”

Ahri snatched the chicken out of his hand and said, “You caught that binding card on purpose, didn't you?”

“I don't know what you are talking about my lady. I am a Proudfoot and we accept charity from no one.”

He tore the second drumstick off the chicken and took a bite.

“No point wasting a perfectly good meal,” he said with a mouth full of meat. “You know you could make a great soup with these bones.”

Ahri gritted her teeth and looked at me in a way that told me that I was not getting lucky that night or probably any night ever. But she had to admit once you got past the smell Basil was kinda cute in a crazy hobo way.

Basil peered around the room and said, “So where’s the toilet? I’ve got to murder a brown snake.”


It was the day of the Mages Guild entrance exam. I woke up early, got out of bed and went down for my morning exercises. 

Flint and Bel were already waiting for me in the arena. It was to be a fight against all my summons, well almost all of them. Basil had no interest in fighting; he said he prefered so save his strength for the real thing so he’d found a spot in the sun to clean himself. 

Ahri and Hotdog sat on a nearby tree stump watching me train and in between getting my ass kicked by Bel and Flint, Ahri asked me questions that she thought could be in the exam. 

“How do you kill an Infernal Hellkite?” she asked as I dodged a dual attack from Bel and Flint.

I slid across the sand and twisted out of the way just in time as Bel’s hand streaked past my face.

“Bury it to limit its air supply,” I said. “When its flames die out it loses its magic armor.”

Ahri nodded and Flint’s fist collided with my shoulder and sent me spinning through the air. 

“What are the three schools of witchcraft?” she asked as I laid in the dirt and groaned in pain.

I dusted myself off and said, “Wax Witches, they use candles imbued with mana to cast spells that commune with spirits.” 

Ahri nodded.

“Hags, they store up energy inside their bodies by eating magical beasts and lastly--” I dodged an overhand strike by Bel. “Lastly, Hedge Witches, they use mana drawn from plants to cast spells.” 

“Great,” said Ahri as she tossed the towel to me. “That's enough for today. Got to save some of that strength for the test.” 

I wiped the sweat off my brow and hung the towel over my shoulder and said, “You didn't ask me the most important question of them all?”

Ahri frowned as she petted the fluffy Karakul sitting in her lap.

“Who is the sexiest goddess of them all?” I asked.

“Are you flirting with me?” asked Ahri.

“Only if it’s working.”

Ahri leant forwards and hovered a breath from my lips.

“Well that depends on your answer.” 

I gulped and said, “I forgot the question.”

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“Who is the sexiest goddess of them all?” Ahri purred.

“That is a hard one to choose,” I said. “There was that one goddess that ate her twin sister.”

“Eww Talasin, you’re such a pervert.”


After the short training session. I put on the new clothes Ahri had bought me and examined the Grimoire we’d been given by the Mages Guild. I now had eleven cards but only ten would be protected in my spellbag.

I found Basil’s card in the sleeve on the first page and said, “I have too many spell cards to fit in my spell bag. I need to leave one behind when I do the exam.”

“Can't you use two spellbags?” asked Bel. “Then you’d have twice as many spells.’

“Only one bag can be soul bound at a time,” I said. “A pickpocket like Basil could easily steal the second one. I wouldn't want anyone stealing you.”

Bel nodded vigorously.

“So which spell do I leave behind?” I asked.

We all turned and looked at Basil who had one leg up on the table and was in the process of tonguing his ass.


The exam was held in Alhaven’s arena. The event was open to the public and many bored citizens and the heads of the noble families as well as representatives of the king arrived to watch. 

A large semi invisible dome, only noticeable by those with a high enough level, stretched over the sands so stray spells wouldn't harm the audience seated in the stadium. 

“Are you getting nervous?” Ahri asked as we stood in a queue with a bunch of other youths waiting for my turn to sign in for the event.

I looked at the other candidates. Most of them carried weapons and were wearing armor bearing some lord's insignia. I looked down at my black cloak and gray trousers and torn boots and gulped.

We reached the front of the queue and Evelyn the Mages Guild secretary looked at Ahri then back at me and then she sighed and said, “You two again.”

“You don't sound pleased to see us,” I said. “Are you afraid I'm going to get killed?”

“I wish,” said Evelyn. “I heard you're the people who bought Gertrude’s farm.”

I nodded. It was good to know I was already making a name for myself in Alhaven.

Evelyn adjusted her glasses and said, “And I heard you sold a stack of binding cards to the merchant Gyro.”

I nodded again. I wasn't sure what Evelyn was getting at but she seemed pissed off about something. Maybe there were laws about Mages owning property. 

“Does any of that matter?” I asked. 

“A group of thugs led by a man named Gorlash heard about your deal,” said Evelyn. “Gyro’s body was found in his house that evening. The binding cards were all taken. Fortunately his wife was at her sister's house at the time so she was spared her husband's fate.”

Ahri breathed through her teeth, “Shit. We didn't think--”

“No,” interrupted Evelyn. “You didn't think what would happen if you flooded the market with binding spells. I won't even ask where you got them. I don't want to know.”

“We’ll find the killers,” I said quickly.

Evelyn shook her head.

“That's not for me to decide, that's up to the Master.”


After registration Ahri found a seat in the stadium and I made my way down to the arena ground to wait with the rest of the hopeful mages.

My mood was low after Evelyn’s news but there was nothing I could do about that now. I had an exam to pass. I walked up to the nearest fellow candidate, a chubby youth who was staring at the sky like he was looking for something. I rested my hand on his shoulder and said, “Great weather for a fight to the death.”

The youth bulked like a startled deer and shot forward. He spun around to face me with his eyes wide open and his hand straying to his spellbag.

I held up my hands in a sign that I meant no hard and the youth smiled sheepishly and said, “You move so silently. I didn’t even hear you.”

I laughed and said, “That means it’s time to leave the monastery and avenge my murdered parents.”

 

“What?” stammered the youth.

“I’m just kidding. I actually wear expensive shoes made out of really soft animals.”

 

The youth nodded and then stared at my shoes in confusion.

“The name is Talasin,” I said.

“Don't mind Quinby,” boomed a voice behind me. “He doesn’t say much, now do you?”

The chubby youth shook his head and backed away. His eyes darted around looking for an exit.

I turned to see a tall silver haired boy around my age. He was flanked on one side by a petite blonde girl with green leaves growing behind her ears and on the other side by a broad shouldered boy with equally silver hair. 

Everything about the tall boy from his golden belt buckle and his silk cloak to his shiny knee high boots and perfectly combed hair radiated wealth.

“The name is Ambrose Dominus,” he said and then he gestured at the broad shouldered youth. “This is Pyson Mews.”

Pyson flicked a coin into the air and I watched it rise up and then disappear. The boy grinned at my look of confusion.

“Pyson is Lord Windheim’s favorite cousin. And this,” Ambrose placed a hand on the petite girl’s shoulder. “This is Sylvia Grenlock. Our families have been friends for ages.” 

The girl’s face turned a light shade of pink and she smiled shyly at me. She was cute as hell but I couldn't figure out what the leaves behind her ears meant. Maybe she was part elf.

Ambrose extended his hand and said, “I don't believe we’ve met. Unless we met at a noble’s ball, I always drink too much and end up in some girl’s bed not remembering how I got there.”

Pyson laughed and gave Ambrose a knowing wink. 

I shook his hand and said, “I am not a noble, that's probably why we’ve never met.” 

Ambrose’s eyes narrowed. “A wealthy merchant's son then?

“No, just plain old Talasin.”

“But we heard that the Guild Master endorsed your admission to the guild.”

“Yeah that was weird,” I said. “I guess I'm all charming and shit.”

I laughed but Ambrose’s face fell and he said, “Keep your secrets then Mr. Wright. At the end of this examination those secrets are all you’ll have left.”


[Level 10 - Progress towards next level: 11%]

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