If I Can't Be Your Wife
***
***
“…Let go.”
After a while, Kathleen spoke subtly. Her initial embarrassment was gone and what replaced it was an indifferent tone.
“Duke, did you not hear me?”
She said once more. Alexis then came to his senses and let go.
Free from his arms, she looked up at Alexis with calm eyes.
“I think you misunderstood something.”
She looked out the window.
“I was just trying to see if it was raining outside.”
“Rain?”
“Yes. I wasn’t intending to jump.”
Kathleen went towards the open window and closed it. Alexis was stunned by her calm demeanor.
“Why did you leave the door open?”
“I wanted to ventilate the room. It’s hot.”
“It’s nighttime.”
He had the urge to ask her if she wanted to catch a cold but swallowed the words as they were about to jump out. He was afraid that the answer would be an affirmative.
He feared the words ‘I would rather lay down sick than face you’ would come out of her mouth.
“Where is the child?”
Alexis deflected hastily. He could only think of that as an excuse. However, Kathleen’s expression did not change.
“Luci sleeps in a separate room. The child insists on sleeping in the room he stayed in when the Duke took him away from me.”
She valued her child more than anything else. From what he heard from her handmaiden, he was never separated from her arms even for a moment, and if he was, he would always be within her sight, and yet, he slept in another room?
‘I told her not to leave the set bedroom at night in exchange for letting her roam freely.’
Alexis realized what he had done. Guilt weighed on his chest.
“Are you done with your questions now?”
There were no emotions in her eyes, not even resentment nor sadness. Even the pleas he spoke like a madman did not shake her.
“…….Yes.”
“If so, I hope you will go back now. I’m going to bed.”
There was no hesitation as she walked past him and headed towards the bed. Alexis stared blankly at her back, then impulsively asked as she took her slippers off her white feet and climbed onto the bed.
“Aren’t you going to ask why I’m here?”
The answer came after a while.
“Do I have to be curious?”
Likewise, it was a question without emotion. She disappeared under the white duvet, so he couldn’t even guess what kind of face she was making.
I’d rather you get angry or cry. At least I’ll know what you’re thinking.
She used to look like someone who had decided to take an interest in everything about him.
– Are you coming back today?
– Why are you curious about that?
Then he suddenly remembered. How she held onto him, just before he left.
‘……Ah.’
I was the one who refused to give you the right to ask, but now I’m questioning why you don’t.
Back then, the poison was flowing through his veins. He thought it was paramount that he wasn’t caught by the Empress’ spy, so he answered her more harshly. But that did not mean that his cruel remarks were justifiable.
He said in a tone that did not fall.
“Sleep with the door closed. The night breeze is still cold.”
The white figure lying on the bed didn’t even budge. Seeing that her duvet rose and fell at regular intervals, it seemed that she was already asleep.
Alexis slowly opened the door and as soon as he stepped out, he leaned his back against the wall.
It felt like a stone was sitting on his chest. It was so frustrating and exhausting that he wondered if this was really normal.
He stood there until dawn and looked back at all he had said. Memories of the past poured out vividly like sand flowing between his fingers.
***
“Madame, do you have no appetite?”
Emily asked, seeing Kathleen just stirring the bowl of oatmeal.
“Yes. I guess it was because I had trouble sleeping yesterday.”
“Oh, you didn’t sleep well? As expected, we should have left at least one child waiting on you.”
“No. It wasn’t because I was uncomfortable, it was because I had something to think about.”
Kathleen took Luci and hugged him, struggling to forget what happened last night.
“It felt like something was missing because Luci wasn’t there.”
“I guess the Madame felt empty. I don’t know why the Young Master is suddenly like this. It would be nice if you could sleep together.”
“There’s nothing I can do if he likes that room. Who do you resemble, making you so stubborn, huh, Luci?”
Kathleen pinched her son’s cheek, who smiled cutely as he ate all the baby food. Emily, who looked proudly at him, said.
“I think he resembles the Master. Master has a completely different personality from Madame.”
At those words, Kathleen’s smile faded slightly. However, Emily didn’t notice the change in her expression as she was gushing about how cute Luci was.
“He’s such a pretty baby because he looks so much like Madame, but he sometimes acts coldly just like how stubborn Master is, like he doesn’t know how everyone is so fond of him.”
The child in her arms did not show any signs of being Alexis’ son from the outside. That’s why Emily used to consciously try to find more similarities between Alexis and Luci.
Kathleen was playing with her child’s little hand when she said.
“Emily, actually, Luci is not the Duke’s child.”
“Huh? What do you mean by that?”
“M-Master clearly said he is the successor.”
“I told the Duke that Luci is not his child. He is the one pretending not to know.”
Emily was shocked by her unexpected remark and said nothing. But as Luci reached out his arm towards her, she instinctively took the child and hugged him tightly. Kathleen said firmly.
“So I don’t want to live like before. I’m going to take Luci and leave here as soon as I can.”
“Now I understand why Madame looked different from before.”
After a while, Emily spoke determinedly.
“But it doesn’t change the fact that the Young Master is Madame’s child, so I don’t care. So when it’s time to leave, be sure to take me with you.”
“Emily…”
“You can’t leave me alone like last time. Will you promise?”
Emily kept nagging Kathleen fearing that she would immediately disappear. So in the end, Kathleen nodded her head.
– Don’t leave me.
Then she finally remembered what she was trying to forget last night.
She couldn’t believe he had said something so crazy when he wasn’t even drunk. When she first heard it, she doubted her ears.
‘Or maybe he’s thinking of using me somewhere else.’
A sad laugh came out. If it had been three years ago, she would have thrown everything away with just those words, but now she only felt bitter.
“Madame, all the ingredients you requested are ready.”
A maid from the kitchen informed her.
“Yes. I will go down.”
“Will the Madame do it herself?”
The maid looked startled, but Kathleen just nodded her head and stood up.
“It’s bread to be sent to the temple, so I have to put some effort into it myself. Emily, it’s dangerous in the kitchen so please take care of Luci in the meantime.”
“Ah yes. Do not worry!”
If she frequently visited the kitchen, her past would continue to rise and fall from people’s mouths. Kathleen didn’t care. It would only be a matter of time until she leaves the Duchy anyway.
‘The important thing is to find Joseph.’
She was only given half of her freedom. Not only was she forbidden to leave the Duke’s residence, but it was also impossible to write a letter.
Peter said she would look for Joseph, but Kathleen didn’t want to sit still either.
“Madame, the pies are very crispy and well-baked.”
“Okay. Now let’s pour the custard.”
She concentrated on baking bread all afternoon. Today, she made a simple custard pie with eggs, milk, sugar and salt.
“I think this is enough to feed 100 people!”
“It’s a relief that nothing got burnt. You all share a few and wrap the rest.”
Kathleen took off her flour-stained apron and then left the kitchen. She just happened to be passing by Alsdorf and called him.
“Alsdorf, I have a favor.”
“Oh, Madame. What’s going on?”
“I just baked some pies to donate to the temple. Can you send them to the Temple of Delafos?”
“…Did you say Delafos?”
“Is there a problem?”
When asked as if there was a problem, Alsdorf, who seemed a little hesitant, shook his head.
“No. I will do as you say.”
“If they leave now, they will be able to arrive before tea time. Please.”
“Yes, Madame. I, then.”
Kathleen, who had turned around, looked at the old butler again as he blurred his words.
“Do you have anything more to say?”
“It’s off-topic, but there is something I want to ask you.”
From the time she first became the maid of the Duke of Walten until now, Alsdorf was someone who had never asked a question.
He always nodded his head, but when he spoke with a determined look, she couldn’t help but wonder.
“Something?”
“Your Grace has been taking precautions against putting the scent of lilac or lavender in the bedroom and bathroom. Since when did you know that His Excellency didn’t like it?”
It was an unexpected question for her, but Kathleen answered smoothly.
“Right after we got married.”
“Do you know the reason?”
“No. The Duke never told me. It was just my guess, but I guess I was right. But why are you asking that all of a sudden?”
Alsdorf said quietly.
“His Excellency hates lilacs and lavender, but he left things as they were before Madame removed them. Her Majesty, the Empress, liked to use them in the past.”
“…..”
“But now that His Excellency has been released from constraints, I think he will be free from that memory a little bit.”
He held his hands together and coughed.
“Forgive me. This old man said something he shouldn’t have to Madame.”
“……No.”
“As you have commanded, I will send someone to Delafos. Then, please rest.”
Kathleen looked back at Alsdorf as he disappeared into the kitchen. It looked like he was in a hurry, different from usual. Like trying to hide a slip of the tongue.
She wondered why he couldn’t throw away the things that reminded him of the Empress if he hated her that much. Besides, he was released from constraints, what did that mean?
‘Now that you know that, what are you going to do?’
Either way, it didn’t matter now. Kathleen forcibly erased the thoughts from her head and went up to her bedroom.
Chapter 39: 39
***
“…Let go.”
After a while, Kathleen spoke subtly. Her initial embarrassment was gone and what replaced it was an indifferent tone.
“Duke, did you not hear me?”
She said once more. Alexis then came to his senses and let go.
Free from his arms, she looked up at Alexis with calm eyes.
“I think you misunderstood something.”
She looked out the window.
“I was just trying to see if it was raining outside.”
“Rain?”
“Yes. I wasn’t intending to jump.”
Kathleen went towards the open window and closed it. Alexis was stunned by her calm demeanor.
“Why did you leave the door open?”
“I wanted to ventilate the room. It’s hot.”
“It’s nighttime.”
He had the urge to ask her if she wanted to catch a cold but swallowed the words as they were about to jump out. He was afraid that the answer would be an affirmative.
He feared the words ‘I would rather lay down sick than face you’ would come out of her mouth.
“Where is the child?”
Alexis deflected hastily. He could only think of that as an excuse. However, Kathleen’s expression did not change.
She valued her child more than anything else. From what he heard from her handmaiden, he was never separated from her arms even for a moment, and if he was, he would always be within her sight, and yet, he slept in another room?
‘I told her not to leave the set bedroom at night in exchange for letting her roam freely.’
Alexis realized what he had done. Guilt weighed on his chest.
“Are you done with your questions now?”
There were no emotions in her eyes, not even resentment nor sadness. Even the pleas he spoke like a madman did not shake her.
“…….Yes.”
“If so, I hope you will go back now. I’m going to bed.”
There was no hesitation as she walked past him and headed towards the bed. Alexis stared blankly at her back, then impulsively asked as she took her slippers off her white feet and climbed onto the bed.
“Aren’t you going to ask why I’m here?”
The answer came after a while.
“Do I have to be curious?”
Likewise, it was a question without emotion. She disappeared under the white duvet, so he couldn’t even guess what kind of face she was making.
I’d rather you get angry or cry. At least I’ll know what you’re thinking.
She used to look like someone who had decided to take an interest in everything about him.
– Are you coming back today?
– Why are you curious about that?
Then he suddenly remembered. How she held onto him, just before he left.
‘……Ah.’
I was the one who refused to give you the right to ask, but now I’m questioning why you don’t.
He said in a tone that did not fall.
“Sleep with the door closed. The night breeze is still cold.”
The white figure lying on the bed didn’t even budge. Seeing that her duvet rose and fell at regular intervals, it seemed that she was already asleep.
Alexis slowly opened the door and as soon as he stepped out, he leaned his back against the wall.
It felt like a stone was sitting on his chest. It was so frustrating and exhausting that he wondered if this was really normal.
He stood there until dawn and looked back at all he had said. Memories of the past poured out vividly like sand flowing between his fingers.
***
“Madame, do you have no appetite?”
Emily asked, seeing Kathleen just stirring the bowl of oatmeal.
“Yes. I guess it was because I had trouble sleeping yesterday.”
“Oh, you didn’t sleep well? As expected, we should have left at least one child waiting on you.”
“No. It wasn’t because I was uncomfortable, it was because I had something to think about.”
Kathleen took Luci and hugged him, struggling to forget what happened last night.
“It felt like something was missing because Luci wasn’t there.”
“I guess the Madame felt empty. I don’t know why the Young Master is suddenly like this. It would be nice if you could sleep together.”
“There’s nothing I can do if he likes that room. Who do you resemble, making you so stubborn, huh, Luci?”
Kathleen pinched her son’s cheek, who smiled cutely as he ate all the baby food. Emily, who looked proudly at him, said.
“I think he resembles the Master. Master has a completely different personality from Madame.”
At those words, Kathleen’s smile faded slightly. However, Emily didn’t notice the change in her expression as she was gushing about how cute Luci was.
The child in her arms did not show any signs of being Alexis’ son from the outside. That’s why Emily used to consciously try to find more similarities between Alexis and Luci.
Kathleen was playing with her child’s little hand when she said.
“Emily, actually, Luci is not the Duke’s child.”
“Huh? What do you mean by that?”
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“Literally. Luci is not from the Walten family.”“M-Master clearly said he is the successor.”
“I told the Duke that Luci is not his child. He is the one pretending not to know.”
Emily was shocked by her unexpected remark and said nothing. But as Luci reached out his arm towards her, she instinctively took the child and hugged him tightly. Kathleen said firmly.
“So I don’t want to live like before. I’m going to take Luci and leave here as soon as I can.”
“Now I understand why Madame looked different from before.”
After a while, Emily spoke determinedly.
“But it doesn’t change the fact that the Young Master is Madame’s child, so I don’t care. So when it’s time to leave, be sure to take me with you.”
“Emily…”
“You can’t leave me alone like last time. Will you promise?”
Emily kept nagging Kathleen fearing that she would immediately disappear. So in the end, Kathleen nodded her head.
– Don’t leave me.
Then she finally remembered what she was trying to forget last night.
She couldn’t believe he had said something so crazy when he wasn’t even drunk. When she first heard it, she doubted her ears.
‘Or maybe he’s thinking of using me somewhere else.’
“Madame, all the ingredients you requested are ready.”
A maid from the kitchen informed her.
“Yes. I will go down.”
“Will the Madame do it herself?”
The maid looked startled, but Kathleen just nodded her head and stood up.
“It’s bread to be sent to the temple, so I have to put some effort into it myself. Emily, it’s dangerous in the kitchen so please take care of Luci in the meantime.”
“Ah yes. Do not worry!”
If she frequently visited the kitchen, her past would continue to rise and fall from people’s mouths. Kathleen didn’t care. It would only be a matter of time until she leaves the Duchy anyway.
‘The important thing is to find Joseph.’
She was only given half of her freedom. Not only was she forbidden to leave the Duke’s residence, but it was also impossible to write a letter.
Peter said she would look for Joseph, but Kathleen didn’t want to sit still either.
“Madame, the pies are very crispy and well-baked.”
“Okay. Now let’s pour the custard.”
She concentrated on baking bread all afternoon. Today, she made a simple custard pie with eggs, milk, sugar and salt.
“I think this is enough to feed 100 people!”
“It’s a relief that nothing got burnt. You all share a few and wrap the rest.”
Kathleen took off her flour-stained apron and then left the kitchen. She just happened to be passing by Alsdorf and called him.
“Alsdorf, I have a favor.”
“Oh, Madame. What’s going on?”
“…Did you say Delafos?”
“Is there a problem?”
When asked as if there was a problem, Alsdorf, who seemed a little hesitant, shook his head.
“No. I will do as you say.”
“If they leave now, they will be able to arrive before tea time. Please.”
“Yes, Madame. I, then.”
Kathleen, who had turned around, looked at the old butler again as he blurred his words.
“Do you have anything more to say?”
“It’s off-topic, but there is something I want to ask you.”
From the time she first became the maid of the Duke of Walten until now, Alsdorf was someone who had never asked a question.
He always nodded his head, but when he spoke with a determined look, she couldn’t help but wonder.
“Something?”
“Your Grace has been taking precautions against putting the scent of lilac or lavender in the bedroom and bathroom. Since when did you know that His Excellency didn’t like it?”
It was an unexpected question for her, but Kathleen answered smoothly.
“Right after we got married.”
“Do you know the reason?”
“No. The Duke never told me. It was just my guess, but I guess I was right. But why are you asking that all of a sudden?”
Alsdorf said quietly.
“His Excellency hates lilacs and lavender, but he left things as they were before Madame removed them. Her Majesty, the Empress, liked to use them in the past.”
“But now that His Excellency has been released from constraints, I think he will be free from that memory a little bit.”
He held his hands together and coughed.
“Forgive me. This old man said something he shouldn’t have to Madame.”
“……No.”
“As you have commanded, I will send someone to Delafos. Then, please rest.”
Kathleen looked back at Alsdorf as he disappeared into the kitchen. It looked like he was in a hurry, different from usual. Like trying to hide a slip of the tongue.
She wondered why he couldn’t throw away the things that reminded him of the Empress if he hated her that much. Besides, he was released from constraints, what did that mean?
‘Now that you know that, what are you going to do?’
Either way, it didn’t matter now. Kathleen forcibly erased the thoughts from her head and went up to her bedroom.
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