Chapter 9: An Emi Christmas Part IV – Butt Stuff

“So, I’m somewhat curious, young Mio,” Emi said as the pair trudged up the road leading to her house. “What made you come to visit me today?”

“I just noticed you’d been rather upset recently and thought I might be able to help you feel better,” Mio glanced over, holding on to Emi’s hand tightly.

“So, simply a ‘get well’ Christmas extravaganza, then?” Emi’s breath puffed into the icy air.

“Well, not entirely a get well, thing, I guess,” Mio murmured quietly. “But I guess.”

“I do appreciate it. It’s true I’ve not been my normal self and it feels nice to remember the way I was before the butthole.”

“Wasn’t that, like, 5 days ago?” Mio pointed out.

“I’m 16,” Emi countered. “A day is like a hundred years sometimes. I can scarcely remember what I did yesterday because it was so long ago.”

“Is that so?” Mio glanced at her, a smile playing across her lips. Emi was truly a beautiful woman, Mio thought as the dull orange light of the streetlight lit upon her face briefly as they walked.

“That is, indeed, quite so,” Emi confirmed.

“My parents are having a New Year’s thing,” Mio began nervously, “would you like to come over for it?”

“Ah, would that I could, young Mio,” Emi shook her head sadly. “Alas my grandmother is feeling under the weather, so I have to bring the holiday joy to her. Sadly, that means I won’t be back until after the new year.”

“Oh,” Mio responded. “I hope she’s ok.”

“She has ulcerative colitis again. I’m not sure if it ever goes away, actually.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“Nor do I,” Emi replied. “I imagine it’s butt stuff, since she seems to have multiple issues with her butt.”

“I kind of wish you hadn’t said that” Mio shook her head, grimacing.

“As do I, Mio,” Emi shuddered. “As do I. The mental images have haunted my worst nightmares for years. Yet, it is what it is.”

“So what does your grandmother’s ‘butt stuff’ have to do with you, though?” Mio felt unclean saying it in a way she couldn’t define.

“Well, my parents don’t like dealing with her, so I go in their stead. Which isn’t a big deal. I don’t do much except run errands for her, play with Pechi and Fuwafuwa and watch Korean dramas. Not to mention I get a boatload of candy and access to sexy magazines.”

“Pechi and…Fuwafuwa?” Mio cocked an eyebrow at her curiously, avoiding referencing Emi’s magazine comment.

“Pechi is her Japanese Spitz while Fuwafuwa is her cross-eyed Oriental shorthair cat,” Emi explained. “I don’t particularly care to touch Fuwafuwa because for some reason she always throws up when you touch her tail, which is, of course, the first body part she offers.”

“Of course. Chibi’s like that, too. If you scratch her butt too long, she’ll fart and run away from her own stink.”

“Ahahahahaha!!!!” Emi laughed loudly. “That is amazing! I want to teach a cat to do that when I get out on my own!”

“What do you want to do, Emi senpai?” Mio asked, glancing over as Emi continued to chuckle to herself. “Like, when you grow up?”

“Who says I ever will?” Emi regarded Mio with a bemused expression, wiping away tears of laughter.

“Doesn’t everyone have to grow up?” Mio cocked her head in confusion.

“Everyone gets older,” Emi noted. “Growing up is a whole different matter. Growing up to me means my parents. They don’t have fun unless alcohol is involved, which is a rather hollow way to enjoy yourself. I’m not sure it counts as having fun, to be honest. They don’t just say or do odd things for the sake of doing them and they seem pretty much miserable all the time. If that’s what being a ‘grown up’ is, I’ll have to take a hard pass.

“I think you can still be relatively responsible without growing up. The last thing I’d ever want to be is some miserable, mopey, whiny husk of a human pretending to be grown up. I’d much rather be an odd, happy, whiny Emi of childishness and joy,” Emi concluded.

“That’s quite an enlightened way of looking at things,” Mio said, clearly impressed. “So what do you want to do when you get older, then?”

“I think I want to start my own business,” Emi declared with a grand flourish of her free hand.

“Oh? What kind of business?”

“I don’t know, yet” Emi shrugged. “My parents expect to marry me off to some guy I’ve never met and act as some sort of ornament while he runs things.”

“Y-You can’t!” Mio gasped, her grip on Emi’s hand tightening. Emi glanced over at her and smiled, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

“Up until recently I wasn’t sure I had a choice, but a wise woman told me that my life is mine, not theirs, so I won’t be following through with my parents’ definition of what my life should be,” Emi winked conspiratorially. “I am, after all, an Emi of independence.”

“Isn’t that kind of…scary?” Mio peered at Emi, anxious for her response.

“Of course. But I’ve decided the alternative is far more frightening. I’d rather be terrified than some 40-year-old I met once’s wife. I am not an Emi of trophy wifeyness.”

“Aren’t your parents going to be mad?” Mio whispered as if by saying it louder Emi’s parents might hear.

“Oh, undoubtedly,” Emi nodded. “I will be Emi non grata once they realize I’m striking out on my own like Musashi, only flush with womanly charms, wit and a booty too fine.”

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“And humility,” Mio mentioned, throwing Emi a disapproving look.

“I am an Emi of modesty, after all,” Emi stated.

“But what’ll happen, though? You won’t be able to go back home!”

“I’ve thought long and hard about that and, honestly, you’re right. But if my parents aren’t going to support my choices and who I am, do they really have the right to call themselves my parents?”

“Huh?”

“What is a parent’s job?” Emi asked. “I mean, what do they do?”

“Um, give us somewhere to live and food and clothes and stuff?” Mio responded after a moment’s hesitation.

“Well, the food and somewhere to live is kind of ancillary since they need food and somewhere to live also, so we’re kind of coat tailing, really. And making your child walk around naked’s probably illegal. So after the basics, what is their purpose?”

“I have no idea,” Mio obviously didn’t have the answer Emi was looking for.

“I could be wrong, but I rarely am,” Emi stated matter of factly. “But I think their purpose is to guide us toward being adults. They teach us societal norms and how to tie our shoes and how to brush our hair and teeth properly. At the end of the day, though, isn’t that all just practice for setting us loose into society in a way that won’t overly humiliate us or cause us to accidentally catch ourselves on fire?”

“I…suppose?” Mio couldn’t find much of a hole in her logic.

“Then shouldn’t they trust in their skills enough to allow us to make decisions for ourselves since their job is to prepare us to do so in the first place?”

“I-I see your point,” Mio muttered.

“If parents are going to raise us and teach us and then disown us for making our own decisions because what we decide doesn’t align with what decisions they’d make, I feel the problem at that juncture lies with them and not with us,” Emi finished with a shrug.

“So if they kick you out, where will you go?” Mio shifted nervously.

“I’m not sure,” Emi admitted. “Most likely to my grandma’s house, I suppose. She’s far more progressive than my parents anyway.”

“Even with the butt stuff?” Mio blushed again and giggled.

“Maybe because of the butt stuff,” Emi grinned. “Maybe having butt problems makes you take a more understanding view of those around you.”

“So I should hope my mom gets butt problems, then?” Mio asked with a chuckle.

“I think it’d take a lot more than some colitis to fix what’s wrong with your mom, I’m afraid,” Emi shook her head. “Not too much offense intended, I suppose.”

“No, I get it,” Mio waved her hand dismissively. “I know what my mom is.”

“Yeah, that’s a shame, too,” Emi shook her head sadly. “Some people, though, can’t be reasoned with. Much like the butthole only older and even more set in her ways.”

“I feel bad Mizuki senpai hurt you,” Mio squeezed Emi’s hand reassuringly.

“It wasn’t even that,” Emi scowled. “It was the entire innocent, arrogant bigotry she exhibited that drove me nuts. Bigotry I can accept. People are foolish and you can’t fix foolish. But to peddle your bigotry as established fact and then have the gall to act surprised if other people get hurt is the height of arrogance. As stated before, I am an Emi of modesty and can’t abide that sort of behavior.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to forgive her?”

“I don’t see that happening,” Emi shook her head.

“Oh,” Mio slumped dejectedly.

“I am an Emi of forgiveness, so the issue isn’t one of forgiveness,” Emi insisted. “You can’t forgive someone who feels they’ve done nothing wrong, though. We simply have wildly differing beliefs. She feels she’s in the right to think the way she does, and I think she’s a moron. We have a little over a year left of school and I don’t see her changing her way of thinking. By the same token, I don’t see my way of thinking changing, either. I am an Emi of consistency, after all. We will most likely stagger on being secretly disgusted by each other not fitting into our respective world views until school is over.”

“Don’t you think it’s sad, though?” Mio pressed.

“It is sad. She was a very good friend, I thought. But the power of friendship can’t overcome everything, no matter what anime tries to teach us.” Emi chuckled mirthlessly. “All-in-all it was a rotten party.”

“It seems so,” Mio agreed.

“Ah,” Emi breathed, gesturing toward the top of the hill they were nearing. “We are almost back.”

“Too soon,” Mio murmured sadly.

“Hmmm?” Emi asked.

“Emi senpai, I have something to tell you. Will you listen?” Mio looked into Emi’s eyes pleadingly.

“Only because it’s you, Mio chan,” Emi grinned, her breath puffing into mist in the cold.

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