Chapter 3: Crunch Time

To: All Inbound Specialists of Department Zero

From: Robert York, Head of Department Zero

RE: Crunch Time

 

 

Okay. As we all know, It's our job to handle complaints from our client's customers. What I mean by handle is drive them insane. The customers, not the clients. However, this new client is going to be tough, because it seems like all the customers are already insane.

 

I am, of course, speaking of our newest client, General Mills.

Specifically, their new product, Ancient Grain Cheerios.

 

Here. I have a sample of the complaints from their twitter account. I'll let them speak for themselves.

 

 

"has anyone else noticed strange things happening since cheerios + ancient grains was released? strange voices, walls seeming to twist and distort, that sort of thing. is general mills meddling with forces they couldnt possibly comprehend?"

- Jeza

 

"could these ancient grains be taken from sites holy to forgotten gods? who knows what horrors could be unleashed"

- Albany Academy

 

"... these eldritch grains filled me with the most unspeakable dread. What secrets did they hold, within that Cyclopean container of stiff cardboard and well-designed packaging? Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself against the unknown, and opened the box..."

- HP Lovecraft, The Grain from Out of Space, 1923

 

"Went looking for Cheerios + Ancient Grains at my local supermarket, but when I tried to take some off the shelf, I discovered what I'd initially taken to be a row of boxes was just an impossibly detailed false-depth painting. I went to complain to the manager but after yelling at him for several minutes I discovered he was just a painting as well! Not a fan of this new ad campaign or whatever it is."

- Loquacius

 

"I can't find any at my local market. They just look at me funny and start backing away while calling 911 and pulling the fire alarm."

- Star Prawn

 

"Yeah my store pulled that one on me too, classic bait and switch. Rest assured, if you check your pantry you will find your box, made just for you, waiting for you invitingly."

- Bar Crow

 

"The nutritional information on this box just says 'Contains that which is necessary.' How am I supposed to know if this has gluten in it?

- E. Pierce

 

"Every time I try to pour the cereal into a bowl of goats milk/blood it starts to swirl and a tiny maw with a million sharp teeth forms into existence and sucks in all cheerios while a thousand doomed voices whisper vile things in my ear. I mean the box of cereal never empties but it's starting to get annoying because how am I going to get my daily fiber?"

- R. Goodman

 

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"Has anyone started digging holes in their flesh and planting the cherrios in their weeping flesh like tiny seeds? The roots go deep but I eagerly await for the fruits they'll bear."

- S. Yang

 

"i fed my child the Cheerios + ancient grains. last night i was awoken by him standing at the foot of my bed, speaking in latin backwards and holding in his hand a bowl whose depth i could not comprehend. this isn't a complaint. my child is/was paraplegic. thanks Cheerios!"

- EngineerSean

 

"i keep eating ancient grains but i keep getting hungrier please send help my wife already ate the baby"

- Darf

 

"I tried a bowl but they made me violently ill. i can't stop vomiting wasps i can't even go to the hospital like this please help there are so many wasps"

- S. West

 

"Idk know if this makes any sense... But the cereal ate me. I was eaten by the cherios. woh can i still tweet?"

- Poximus

 

"ey not to sound like a noob or anything but how do you throw away the cereal? i want to get rid of it because im pretty sure its responsible for my nightmares but it keeps coming back. according to the gm faq page, i am supposed to pin the box to a willow tree by a silver spike. i live in canada. we don't have willow trees."

- Applewhite

 

"I can verify this works but don't do it with any willow tree you own or have a sentimental attachment to. The tree in my backyard is growing really weird leaves now. They're, like, strings of tiny little circles or something? I tried taking the box down but it started screaming. It should be mentioned: DO NOT PULL OUT THE SPIKE. EVER. It makes things so much worse."

- circ dick soleil

 

"Have you ever noticed that, if you smash a cheerio, the dust it creates is actually tiny little cheerios? You cannot destroy a cheerio through any physical means."

- dog buttz

 

"Ever since I started eating these cheerios, I've awoken to prophecies smeared in blood on the walls and my palms slashed. Even though it's ruined my sheets, the prophecies are still kind of interesting. Lately, however, the language the prophecies are written in has changed from English to a language I do not entirely understand. From what glances I can get, it's some sort of cuneiform, but small insects start attacking my eyes if I spend too much time looking at it."

- C. Fendalman

 

"If you call GM, they will send a cleaning service to handle the prophecies. The cleaning service hired by General Mills showed up at my house at 1am without calling first. They photographed all the writing in all the rooms, then painted over my eyes. I'm blinded now but at least I don't have to look at the unearthly scratchings on my walls anymore (can still see them in my dreams, though. Have arranged w/ General Mills to take care of that, too. Appointment is tonight at 'the hour of scrying.')"

- LuckyGuy

 

"did anyone do the word jumble on the back of the box? what did yours say? because mine listed the date, time, place, and means of my death. at least all that fiber is healthy for me; apparently i'm going to die during the third coming of christ in 2089, and not from heart disease!"

- S. Penn

 

 

So as you can see, we really have our work cut out for us. I suggest we fall back on the old standby, "It's for your convenience and to provide you a better customer experience." But I'm open to suggestions. Just reply to this email if anything jumps out at you. And you survive that is.

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