Chapter 10: Chapter 10 – Best friend

I wake up to the alarm. Ray is sleeping next to me, having thrown his leg and arm over me. It's even a little cute...

I shake my head - what the hell am I thinking? Don't I have enough on my plate already?

I get out of bed and cover Ray with a blanket.

I walk out of the room, wash, dress hastily and run out of the apartment as if I hope to leave all my inappropriate thoughts there.

I don't find James in his office. Instead, I receive a call.

"Joyce is in labor," James exclaims hysterically. "Oh, God! It's been 6 hours already!"

"It's okay. It's okay, James," I try to calm him down. "Do you remember mom told us that she had been in labor for 16 hours with me and 20 with you? So, do not worry! It takes time."

"Yes... yes, you're right," he mutters distractedly.

"You're not with her?"

"I was at first, but... God, it's not easy!" he laughs nervously.

"James, everything will be fine. Go to Joyce. She needs your support now. I'll manage at the shop."

"Yes, good... thanks!"

I'm glad I'm not in James' place, honestly. After talking to him for several minutes, I once again felt how different we were. I never wanted what he had.

There is not only a gap in 5 years of the age difference but also in the way we see things and what we want. James was always straight as a ruler. He went to college, got married, and now he will become a father. It seems that he never went astray, never lost his way. He just walked from point A to point B. Like he had a map or something.

When we were younger, he had his circle of friends. He didn't want to hang out with me. But he never offended or bullied me. In all family photos, he smiles, standing next to me, but I never felt we were close. Brotherly close.

Even my coming out (which happened by accident not so long ago) did not bring us closer or alienate us. It had no effect. He just happened to know it about me. And deep down, I was hoping he'd react in any way... but he was placid as always. Now James is emotional, and though it's natural, it seems unusual.

All these thoughts suddenly echo inside with a rush of affection for Ray. In contrast to James' aloofness, Ray's liveliness has been saving me from loneliness all these years. Come to think of it, from the moment I became friends with Ray, I was never alone.

Sometimes we quarreled, fought, and yelled at each other. Yes, we were kids, and it seemed a big deal, but we always made up. And I never felt detached from Ray as from my brother.

Why didn't I tell Ray that I'm gay? Why, at the age of 13-14, when I just started to feel differently looking at the guys, I never talked about it with Ray?

Well... When Ray was 14, he just started to like rock music. He wanted his hair long and, for the first time, took a guitar in his hands. How could I talk to him about my struggles? He was on a different page.

And after that, I didn't say it, because... I don't know... the topic didn't come up, and I didn't bring it up. Then I started to think that it didn't matter. Well, I mean, it doesn't stop us from being friends.

Or maybe I'm lying to myself, and I've always been afraid. First, I was actually afraid I'd fall in love with Ray. Because it was easy. He always was there for me. So I tried to separate myself from him at least here. And I started dating someone (not the right word... it was more of fooling around) pretty quickly to drive my thoughts away from Ray.

And secondly, I was afraid that it would affect our friendship. I don't know why I thought so. But in the end, I was right about at least one thing. It affected...

I'm happy for James, but he could have hired an assistant sooner! I'm torn between buyers, suppliers, and the paperwork! I don't have 10 hands!

By the end of the day, I'm exhausted. My legs are buzzing. But I know that if I sit down even for a minute, I won't get up, and I still have a lot of things to do. My legs don't agree, though.

I just need a minute... I sink to the floor at the counter and throw my head back. If I fall asleep, then be it.

Suddenly a bell chimes - someone has entered the store. What time is it? Wasn't I supposed to close the shop already?

"Sam?" comes Ray's voice.

"I'm here," I say weakly, barely opening my eyes.

"Hey! What's wrong?!" Ray runs behind the counter and kneels in front of me. "Are you okay? You feel bad? Can't get up?" He shakes me by the shoulders.

"No, no, don't shake me. I'm just very tired. I spent all day on my feet. What are you doing here?"

"You haven't answered my calls all day. I thought maybe something happened! Here," he takes a foil package out from his pocket. "There's a new food truck up the street. They sell all sorts of sandwiches."

I can feel my mouth watering.

"So I took pastrami for you," Ray finishes, but I no longer listen to what he says. I grab the sandwich from Ray's hand, rip the wrapper and hastily bite the crispy bun. Fragrant meat juice sprinkles into my mouth.

"Thank you," I say, almost crying from joy. "You are a true friend!"

Ray sits down on the floor next to me, grinning.

"What happened? Why are you alone?"

"Joyce," I swallow the bite. "Joyce is in labor. James called in the morning and said he was there with her."

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"Why didn't you call me? I would come and help."

"I didn't want you to waste your day off," I eat the last piece and crush the foil. I gained some strength for sure! I had no idea how hungry I was.

"And also..." Ray takes out a bottle of lemonade from a patch pocket. "Drink it."

I'm ready to kiss him. I don't even know why I am so moved. Probably, in these simple things, I see Ray's sincere concern that I need.

"Thank you," I drink lemonade with pleasure, and I can't stop smiling.

"Come on. Let's go home," Ray offers.

"I still have work to do," I object.

Ray gets to his feet and takes off his jacket.

"Come on then, tell me what to do," he says readily.

I look up at him. This is what I was talking about. This is my friend Ray. He fed me, quenched my thirst, and now he's willing to help me. I extend my hand to him, and he helps me to my feet.

"Well, the hall needs cleaning. And I need to refill the shelves. Today was crazy. And then I need to take care of the paperwork."

Ray nods and rolls up his sleeves.

After a couple of hours of fruitful work, Ray and I wander down a dark street. I take a few bills out of my pocket and hand them to him, "Here you go."

Genuinely puzzled, he looks at the money, then at me.

"This is for your help," I clarify.

"Nah, come on!" He waves it off.

"Ray, don't start, ok? Any work should be paid, you know. I can't have it any other way. Take it," I insist. Ray stops, turns to me, folds the money with my hand, and gently pushes it in my direction.

"No, let's do it this way. I also have a request for you. A favor."

"What favor?"

"When you and I were on a date..."

Oh no... I'm getting nervous.

Ray continues, "When we were on a date, you told me that I was doing everything wrong."

"Ray, I don't..."

"Wait a minute! Do not interrupt me. I don't mean that I am offended or something. Do me a favor. Show me how it was supposed to be," he openly looks into my eyes. There is not even a hint of a joke. "So that I won't fuck up my next dates."

My tongue stuck to the palate. I am overwhelmed with conflicting feelings. First, because of Ray made me come back to that night, and all those feelings - qualms, confusion, excitement - filled me once again.

And secondly, "next dates"?! Is he thinking about other dates? With whom?! With me? The thought makes me feel hot. With others? This thought makes me feel cold. I'm definitely not okay.

"Uh..." I start hesitantly. "Why do you think I know about dates? To give advice moreover..."

"Well..." Ray scratches the back of his head. "You said that I was numb or something like that. Does it mean you're not numb on dates? You know how to behave... I mean, I really don't know how to behave. And you seem to have a fulfilling love life. And I have no one else to ask for advice."

He looks completely sincere. And I am overcome by such a strange mixture of emotions...

On the one hand, I wish Ray only the best, and I want to help him.

And on the other hand... it's such a strange feeling... like a stab of resentment... Because he said he liked me (right?), and now he bluntly asks me to teach him how to flirt on dates with someone else?!

Stop, stop! Am I out of my mind? Isn't that what I wanted? Ray and I are friends. And each of us should have our own love life. I've had it! Why can't Ray? Or he could have had it earlier, and now it is not allowed, because... Because what?

He asks me for help! It seems quite natural...

Aha! Natural! What could be more natural when a guy (kind of straight) asks a gay guy to teach him how to date?! My head is spinning...

I breathe out.

"Please," Ray adds pleadingly. How can I refuse? Moreover, he helped me out today, he also brought me something to eat. Sly devil...

"Okay, okay," I agree. My heart makes a somersault. In my opinion, I don't know what I agreed to.

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