Chapter 11: Chapter 11 – Train ride

Christmas is coming. I and James usually go to my parents' house for a couple of days. This time, however, James will bring his newborn son as well. I think this is good. The newborn will be the center of attention for sure.

"Do you need a ticket?" I ask Ray at breakfast. Still sleepy, he scrolls something on his phone. Today is his day off, but for some reason, Ray got up earlier than usual.

"What?" He startles. "What ticket?" His eyes shine strangely, and he seems to be starting to blush rapidly. I squint my eyes. What's wrong with him? Why is he so excited? His face is almost blotched red...

"What do you mean? Are you going home for Christmas?" I clarify.

"Ah... this," Ray slumps back on the chair disappointed. His eyes lose their shine. He returns to his phone, resting his chin on his palm. "Yeah, whatever..."

"What's wrong? Ray?"

He frowns at me, pursing his lips. He doesn't want to talk, but I know that he won't be able to hold back for long. So I continue to drill him with a stare. The pause is getting heavier by the second.

"I told you," Ray surrenders. "My father and I had a fight. And anyway, it happens every year! All the same! I'm sick of it!"

"You sound like you don't miss your family at all..."

"You know what? I don't!"

"Look who's lying through his teeth!"

"I am not lying! Every Christmas, a bunch of relatives, most of whom I do not remember, arrive, and everyone is endlessly discussing me. Why alone? Why so fat? Why so thin? Why is my hair like this? Why is the job so shitty?" Ray growls viciously and stands up abruptly.

"Hey, hey, come on. Well, what about your mom? Do you love your mom?" Damn, it sounded like some kind of mockery. Ray glares at me. I raise my hands peacefully. "Okay, okay, I get it. You don't need a ticket."

Ray's face stops being so angry and turns into a pensive one in an instant.

"Maybe... Maybe you don't need it too?" He suddenly asks. I look at him questioningly. "Well, I mean, now James' son is the big news. You can easily skip. Let's celebrate Christmas together! Like normal adults!" he concludes happily and hopefully.

"Normal adults go to their parents and other relatives because Christmas is a kinda family holiday. Haven't you seen the Coca-Cola ad?"

Ray smiles wryly.

"I don't want to go, but I don't want to stay alone either!" he puffs out his cheeks.

"Ok, ok. How about this? We'll go, and you'll spend Christmas at our house?"

Ray looks at me for a few seconds as if looking for something to object to but can't.

"Well... ok..." He finally agrees, though not so excitedly.

We had to take the train because, after giving birth, Joyce flatly refused to fly. Ray and I could take the plane, but I thought it would be fun to ride the train.

So in the morning, we all meet up at the station and occupy our compartment. Joyce is holding her newborn son. She and James named him Bailey.

"Do you want to hold your nephew?" Joyce asks me, smiling. I shake my head. He's so tiny... and I don't quite get it what a pleasure it is to hold a baby in your arms?

But out loud I say, "No, thanks. I'm afraid. He's so fragile. And I don't want to make him nervous before the trip, taking him away from his mother."

"How well you understand children," James whistles, laughing. He puts our bags on the top shelf, and we sit down. Me and Ray opposite Joyce and James.

"Glad to see you've made up," James says mildly, but for some reason, I feel feverish.

"Who? We?" Ray asks, puzzled. "We fought?"

"Well, yes. Sam was very upset the other day," Joyce adds.

"Oh! Let's not stir up the past!" I exclaim nervously. I wish I could give James and Joyce some kind of sign to shut up, but our communication is poor. Ray became very interested in the topic, and my attempt to stop this conversation only piqued his curiosity.

"Oh wait!" he exclaims theatrically. "I remember now... we had a very big -big- fight. And you say Sam was very upset? You know he barely says anything!"

"Yes, it's true. James is like this too. I guess it runs in the family," Joyce begins to chatter, and I hope that the conversation will concentrate on James, and everyone will forget about me. But Ray is not dumb!

He interrupts Joyce, "So what did Sam say? I'm very curious!"

Although clumsily, he returns the conversation to the track he needs.

"Oh, Sam was so worried. It's ok if I say it, Sam?" but she doesn't even wait for my answer and continues. It feels like her speech is pouring out. "You know that sexuality is a delicate matter. And it is so important that friends and family accept you and support you!" She looks at me with sugary sympathy, and I swallow my tongue. It seems unreal. "And how complicated it is when you fall in love with your straight friend..."

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On this phrase, an oncoming train rushes past and buzzes deafeningly. Joyce's phrase drowns in this whistle, and if God exists, then no one heard her.

This noise wakes up Bailey, and he starts crying loudly. And sometimes a crying baby can get on my nerves, but now it's music to my ears.

Taking advantage of the hitch, while everyone is calming the crying baby, I walk out of the compartment to take a breath.

It was close...

But... actually... I act foolish and wrong.

There was no reason for me to be so worried. I just become very touchy and aware when things come down to Ray and me. But it only makes people think that there is something. When there's not!

So, whenever I find myself in such an embarrassing situation, I have to ask myself - How would someone who does not care answer? Who has nothing to hide? And even if it is difficult, I must force myself to do and say the right thing.

Pretense must prevail sooner or later. Moreover... I don't think that this is only a pretense... I am rather confused. I don't understand my feelings. But my actions should lead me to what I want... even if I do not quite understand what I want.

Ray appears in the aisle.

"Let me guess, you hate crying babies?" He asks, smiling.

"Yeah, you know, just like metal on glass," I deliberately twitch my shoulders as if I'm disgusted. Ray nods understandingly and stands next to me.

"Me too. Remind me why we are not on a plane?"

"Well..." I hesitate. "I thought it would be interesting to ride the train for once. I thought we were going to chat and play board games."

Ray laughs, "What a picture! I didn't know what you were thinking. I mean, you don't even play board games!"

"Well, that's because it's always just the two of us! I might like to play, but we need a bigger company."

"There are many games for two!" Ray retorts.

"Like what? Beer pong?" I curl my lips. Ray grins.

"You still can't forgive me that I always beat you?"

"Ha! When it was?"

"Every time! From 9th grade until you went to college. Just think, even college life and parties couldn't help you," Ray taunts me. And I want to prick him with one simple phrase, "Well, at least I went to college, unlike you, cudgel. And you just learned to drink." But I do not say this, and I am even a little surprised at my wickedness. I guess I'm still angry with Ray because we haven't cleared things out between us. I hope Christmas weekend will help us. Especially if Ray stays at our house.

"I had no time for parties," I decide to say something completely non-malicious. "And then who was I supposed to hang out with if my best friend stayed at home?"

From Ray's face and look, I suddenly realize that this phrase may have stung him more than the one I tried to hide behind it. As if I accused him of letting me down...

Ray silently turns to the window, pursing his lips. He doesn't say anything else. I sigh heavily. The college topic is off-limits...

Ray failed his exams. Moreover, he could not explain what went wrong. He was not stupider than me, and he studied ok. But for some reason, the finals went to hell.

Maybe his father was pushing too hard. Maybe he flunked the exams to spite him and then regretted it. In short, I have no idea what Ray is thinking there, but his thoughts are clearly dark and heavy.

Or maybe this whole trip was a bad idea?..

I don't hear Bailey crying anymore. I don't want to return, but I'm tired of standing in the aisle.

"Let's go back," I say neutrally. "It's still a couple of hours to go."

Ray glances at me and nods. We return to our seats. Joyce is blushing.

"Everything is fine, dear. You did a great job calming him down! And no one is mad at you! Everyone understands that this is a child, and he can cry," James speaks to her affectionately, and Joyce barely holds back tears. Bailey shakes his head and kicks his legs.

Hey, friend, you just entered this world and have no idea what trials await you here. More serious than a train whistle, for sure.

I lean against the window and close my eyes. Ray sits as if he had swallowed a stick. I take out my headphones and hand him one.

"Van Halen?" I smile. I have a thing for old music. Van Halen was my dad's favorite, and it feels nice that I also like them... Ray's frown recedes. I add, "If you want to sleep, you can lean on my shoulder." That's what a friend would say, so I say it and put the earpiece in. David Lee Roth starts singing Jump from the 1983 album. I close my eyes and, already falling asleep, I feel Ray's head on my shoulder.

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