Chapter 8: Chapter 8 – Still friends

I come to work, where I am met by a slightly disgruntled James. But as I can see, he is a little ashamed that yesterday he did not support me in any way, so he does not express his displeasure at my lateness.

During the day, Ray even sends me a couple of messages - asking what I want for dinner, and then a photo of a large spider from the bathroom. We call him Vernon. Ray says that Vernon got himself a friend or a girlfriend.

It would've seemed like our usual interaction had it been not for two awkward days, which made it somewhat strained and unnatural. However, I know this is not hypocrisy or lies but an attempt to return to a place where everything was simple and clear. And I desperately want it too, so I reply to these messages in my usual manner.

How is it said? Fake it until you make it? Maybe it will work?

I would be happy to do something else, but I have no one to talk to about it. I could call my mom. But I'm afraid it'll take too long to fill her in on the details. And honestly, I don't think she'll get me right. Because I can get me either.

At lunch, James is trying to get me to talk unsuccessfully though. I have one thought spinning in my head, and I get that this is the thought that has been ringing in me all this time. It remains unspoken and thus causes discomfort, misunderstanding, and alienation. It's like I try to dismiss it, to forget it when, in fact, this is what matters.

What is the essence of the problem between me and Ray?

Then, in the restaurant, he dropped a phrase, the meaning of which I understood but tried to ignore. And I would be glad to forget it because I don't know how to talk about it.

"Do you seriously like me?" is what I had to ask. And I should have asked it right away, but I didn't. And I won't ask. Why?

Because... damn... god... I hide my face in my hands as children hide from monsters. I don't want to face this reality.
 
I return home at my usual time, but for me, it is a heroic act. Excitement builds up by the second and explodes when I see Ray leaving the room.

"I need to wash up real quick, and we can have dinner," I rehearsed this phrase all the way from work, so now I can blurt it out without hesitation and hide behind the door to the bathroom.

I want to buy some time. I wash my face several times and look at myself in the mirror.

It's okay. I'm over-dramatizing and over-complicating everything. Tonight will be an ordinary night. No need to invent anything. No need to ask unnecessary questions. Yes, we found ourselves in this situation, and now it seems that all thoughts revolve around this, but if I stop paying so much attention to it for a couple of days at least, it will help. Will it?

I leave the bathroom. Ray is on the doorstep.

"Where are you going?" I ask, puzzled, feeling a mixture of relief and anxiety.

"To have dinner," Ray says. He doesn't hide his eyes from me, as if it's really an ordinary evening for him.

"I thought you bought it," I say.

"Yeah... no... I thought we can eat out somewhere. What do you say?"

I squint suspiciously at him and feel a bit cold. What is he up to again?

No, wait. Don't make this complicated. Be simple as an axe.

I grab my jacket and follow Ray out.

"Burgers or pizza?" He asks downstairs.

"Burgers," I say right off the bat.

"Ok. My treat!"

"Why are you so generous today?"

"Won't tell!" Ray smiles stupidly, but I am completely satisfied with it. To my shame, I think I would be delighted to know the aliens abducted Ray and erased his memory for the past couple of days.

We're going to a cafe nearby.

"Did your brother get mad at you for being late?" Ray asks.

"No, not really. He's pretty preoccupied right now."

"Is his wife giving birth?"

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"Well, not right now, but it's close. He's all jumpy."

"You understand that when the baby is here, you'll have to probably work more?"

"Well yeah... But I think I'll manage."

After a moment of silence, Ray continues, "Have you thought about having kids?"

"Isn't it too early for me?"

Ray glances at me.

"I don't think I'm father material," I shrug. "But I sure can pull off being a cool uncle," I smirk. "Or even an older brother. But not dad. Too much responsibility." I hesitate for a second before returning the question to Ray, "What about you?"

Ray grins, "To have children, you have to get married."

I laugh out loud, "Well, now this is sex education!"

"Fuck you!" he shoves me jokingly. "I mean, I'd have to start a family, but I... I don't know... I've seen enough of my mother and father... Isn't very motivating. And my relationship with dad... well, you know," he purses his lips, looking sideways.

"Well, I think it can help you to avoid your parents' mistakes."

Ray thinks for a moment and says, "I have always envied your relationship with your dad... I could never understand why I couldn't have it with mine. I always thought that there was something wrong with me."

I watch Ray carefully, not in a hurry to respond. The topic has become delicate.

"It's not like that," I muse. "But I think a parent has more responsibility for the communication with a child."

Ray notes my words with a glance and continues, "And also, a child needs a mother, and I..."

No, no, no!

"Hey, look! Isn't that Colin there?" I abruptly interrupt Ray, feeling a strong wave of agitation and anxiety for some reason, and point a finger at a random guy nearby. "Oh, no. Probably not him," I hastily open the door of the cafe we just reached and go inside.

God, why do I act so stupid?!

We grab burgers and soda and go to the pier, sit on one of the benches, away from people, and start eating. Ray sometimes throws pieces of his burger to the seagulls flying by. We chew in silence for a while.

"Wanna hang out? Watch a movie or something?" offers Ray when finished eating. "I don't want to go home yet."

"I have to get up early tomorrow," I argue.

"Come on! One movie! It's too early. Kids' early! Let's go, eh?" Ray whimpers.

"Ok, ok!" I give up. "But I choose the movie!"

"Deal!" Ray happily jumps to his feet, takes the remaining packages from me, and throws them into a bin. Having come back to me, he hugs me by the shoulder and drags me to the mall, where the cinema is.

Previously, I wouldn't mind Ray's hand on my shoulder. I'd probably not even notice it, but now everything is different. His embrace feels tight, and the distance between us is too small. But at the same time, I feel warm, and I want to smile.

It was a rather rough couple of days. I missed my friend Ray. I even felt that I was losing him. And now, finally, I have at least a little peace of mind for my restless soul.

At the cinema, I pick a horror movie. I know Ray is pretty skittish, but the choice was between horror and drama, so...

"Jeez, I'm going to regret it, am I? I didn't bring spare pants," Ray complains as we sit down. I let out a laugh.

The lights go out, and the film starts. At every frightening moment, Ray flinches, jumps, or closes his eyes and swears under his breath. I can't help but smile from ear to ear. I think I wanted to see him like this again as if to check that he was the same as I knew him. And even though it's selfish, it definitely helps.

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