Chapter 3: Chapter 3

“Idiot”, “Dumbass”, “Piece of Shit”, “Pathetic Loser” were the phrases going through Devin’s mind. He was going to go out with his girlfriend while looking like this. People would gender him female and she’d instantly know what was going on.

“Oh so now you think you pass huh?” His mind said. Was Devin actually stupid enough to think he passed as a woman? He really was full of himself. A very male characteristic, he thought. With this line of thinking, he could never be a woman. But that was okay right? He wasn’t a woman. He wasn’t supposed to be one. And he especially shouldn’t be giddy at the thought of people thinking he was.

“I’m a sick fuck.” Devin thought to himself.

“Why don’t I drive?” Elise said. “We could hit the mall or something.”

“That’s fine.” Devin responded. He internally grimaced. His voice was way too low, way too MALE for him to pass as a woman. People would hear it and instantly know he was a man. He was disgusted, no SHE was disgusted by it. Sierra was the one who was already demanding to start some kind of voice training regimen. Devin did not want to be a woman. He was not transgender. He was DEFINITELY not transgender.

Devin and Elise got into Elise’s car. As Elise started driving, she glanced over to Devin. He looked depressed, and gloomy. It’s true that Devin was never the most outgoing person out there, but lately he had just been very quiet and downcast. He said very little these past few months, and it seemed as if he was actively avoiding conversations. She was worried. She was afraid to think about what he could do to himself if he didn’t get help.

As they were driving, Elise didn’t even attempt to make conversation with Devin. She just tried to focus on driving. Maybe he just needed some time to reflect on… whatever it was he seemed to be reflecting on.

"If you look like a girl, dress like a girl and act like a girl, most people will see you as a girl — and only a girl."

Devin thought about that quote. When he was 14 he must have read through “For a Girl” like 3 times. Was it really that easy? Would people really see him as a girl if he put effort into looking like one?

He chuckled to himself. If he had to put effort into looking like a girl, then people wouldn’t see him as one. So it wasn’t even worth considering.

“But the people at school see you every day.” Sierra said in his mind. “They know who you are, so they would see you as a guy. But what if you run into new people that have never seen you before, and they see you as a girl?”

Sierra sure was insistent on finding any positive outing. Maybe they would see him as a girl. But if they found out he was transgender, then everything would change. They’d definitely treat him differently. There was no escape for him.

Of course, it’s not like he wanted to be a girl, that was Sierra. She was the one who was wishing it was as easy as “For a Girl” portrayed it. Of course, it wasn’t. Stephanie Lind wasn’t a real person. She was a character in a story written nearly two decades ago. A story where the US government pays for facilities to teach people how to be women. Devin laughed at the thought. There was no way the US government would pay for something like that in real life. Especially not after how they dealt with AIDS.

It was a long, quiet drive. Devin was too busy wallowing in his own despair to think about making conversation, and Elise didn’t want to try talking to him until they got to the mall. Eventually, after about forty minutes, they made it there. Elise checked the time. 10:00. It was still pretty early, and they definitely had a lot of time to kill.

“Well, we’re here now.” Elise said. “Is there anywhere in particular you would like to go to?”

Devin snapped out of his trance and turned to Elise. “Uh… I’m not sure. Maybe we could, I don’t know, walk around and see how we feel?”

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“Alright.” She said.

Elise and Devin got out of the car when Devin suddenly became extremely nervous. He couldn’t stop himself from shaking. He was going out looking like this. Would people see him as a girl? He grimaced at the thought of people calling him “miss” and “ma’am” while his girlfriend slowly found out what was wrong with him. What would she think? She would probably hate him and think he’s a gross pervert. Elise was so nice. She didn’t deserve to have her boyfriend turn himself into a woman without telling her. He was being so horrible to her.

But that wasn’t even what disturbed him the most. What disturbed him the most was the thought of people still gendering him male even after months of hormonal therapy. Basically showing that what he was doing was useless and he should just give up.

“Hey are you okay?” Elise asked him.

Devin hesitated before saying “Yes”.

“Do you need to take that sweatshirt off?”

“No I- I’m good.”

“Okay.” Elise responded. She obviously knew he was not okay but she didn’t want to pester him about it.

Elise began walking toward the giant mall, and Devin hesitantly followed. It was pretty hot outside, and he did want to take his sweatshirt off, but if he did then people would see his chest.

Devin and Elise walked into the giant building. Devin did thankfully feel cooler once they were inside, so luckily he wouldn’t overheat, pass out, and then have Elise take off his sweatshirt. He shuddered at what she would think if she saw what was underneath.

“Hey do you want to eat something?” Elise asked him. “I didn’t have breakfast.”

“Oh that’s fine.” Devin answered. “I actually didn’t eat breakfast either.”

As the two walked to a food court, Devin looked around. He didn’t see anyone looking at him oddly. He was a bit relieved by this but he still got the nagging feeling that that was because people were seeing him as a normal man. Was that what he wanted? He wanted that to be what he wanted but deep down he knew that it wasn’t.

Elise and Devin went up to order their food. Devin didn’t want to speak, because then he knew people would gender him male, but he had to anyway.

“Hi.” The employee said. “What would you two young ladies like today?”

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