Chapter 33: 【Vol.2】 -01- Aftermath

【Volume 2 Start!】

~~** Watanabe Chigusa’s Point of View **~~

It’s Thursday today, and it’s now the third day since Mom and I sat down with Shota in the kitchen to reveal to him my pregnancy and let him see the ultrasound photo of our daughter.  I expected that there would be some trouble, whereas mom didn’t think there would be too much of it, but we were both wrong.

My pregnancy has shut down Shota entirely.

He’s here in the house with us, but only in body.  Wherever his mind is, it’s not with us.  He also hasn’t shared a bed with mom since Monday… nor has he said a coherent word to either of us.  He’s been sleeping downstairs on the couch, and neither mom or myself can reach him, let alone budge him from it.

He goes to school, but doesn’t take mom’s bento, nor does he even react when I try and hold on to him on the walk there.  It’s like his whole world has crumbled.  I haven’t even seen him doing any of his writing at all lately, too.  I’ve talked with mom, but not even she knows what to do.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have told him.” I said, not criticizing mom’s decision, but also not agreeing with it entirely.  “Do you think he wants me to get rid of her?”

I was worried.  I mean, my pregnancy is an accident, but for me, a happy one.  I love Shota, even if he doesn’t love me in the same way he loves my mother.  I… want to have his child.  I know I’m selfish in my choice, not knowing if he even has the desire to be a father anytime soon.

It’s… frustrating, really.

There is still time to choose to not have my child.  In fact, the deadline given to me was this coming Monday.  I had to decide by then what choice I would make, however, without being able to discuss it with Shota properly, I’m also at a loss for what to do.

I had thought that with what happened last Friday night, with my mother, myself, and Shota on the floor in the kitchen… things would be somehow better between us now.  Yet they were anything but.

Mom had invited me to their bed that night, but Shota refused outright to let me join them.  In fact, according to her, Shota, who usually enjoyed drowning himself in her body, hadn’t even shown a sliver of interest in her all weekend.  Mom took the lead once, and he let her, but even she felt things were off since our… impromptu oyakodon.

This morning, as I sit down with my mother while she has her morning smoke and we each enjoy our cup of coffee on the kitchen patio, we’re both at a complete loss on what to do.

“No, telling him was the correct thing to do.  I think I was just being too hopeful in the matter.  Shota-kun’s actually a sensitive boy, and I think this is a lot for him to deal with after all.  Tell me, Chigusa… is there anyone close to him he can talk to about this?”

I thought long and hard about it, with the only people being either Kurone from the Literature club, or that idiot friend of his Raita.  Surprisingly, a certain person made her way into my mind at the last moment.

“There is someone, only…” I trailed off.

“Yes, sweetie?”  Mom seemed to be holding out hope.

“There’s a family friend of Shota’s… Someone who helped him out after the loss of his parents.  I don’t remember her name or anything, but you could say she’s sort of his only other family left.”

“Ara, I think I heard him mention such a person once as well.  She helped him with a few things regarding his inheriting this house and some insurance money left behind by his parents, right?”

“I believe so.  Anyway, that’s probably the only person that would be able to help.  His friends at school aren’t as reliable as you might hope, and well… I don’t think he wants to let them know he knocked me up just yet.”

“Alright, then I’ll do what I can to see if I can get him to talk with her.  The way things are going now…”

Mom didn’t blame me, but I already knew.  What I did was what Shota tried to spare me, by accusing myself of doing.  I just became a home wrecker of the worst sort.  He felt like he betrayed my mother, and to top it off…

My hand reached for my belly.

Mom saw that and also reached for my belly.

“It’ll be alright.  Surely…”

I wish I could say that with the confidence she had.

A little while later, Shota came down dressed for school.  Mom had made breakfast and bentos, but Shota didn’t eat anything put in front of him again.  He only waited for me to be done, and then we left together.

I gave up on clinging to him, even walking slower than he did to give him some space, but he slowed down in order to match my pace.  I couldn’t tell him it was fine–that he could go ahead of me.  I didn’t want him to, either.  

I just wanted him. 

But I also didn’t have any guilt for doing what I did with him.  I felt it, our compatibility.  When we did those things while mom was away, even though he wouldn’t cross the line into intercourse with me, I still felt it.  He did desire me.  He held onto his feelings for me, even if he had to lie to himself about it so he could remain true to my mother.

“Shota, before we get to class, can I have a hug?”

He stopped walking.

I took that as a sign that it was okay, and gave him a hug on my own.  His arms barely came around to touch me, but with him having an obvious amount of difficulty with things, it was the most I could hope for at the moment.

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“I know you’re hurting right now, but when you are ready, please talk with mom and me… or somebody you can trust.  If it’s about what I’m carrying… then we need to talk about it before Monday, or there can’t be any discussion afterwards, if you understand what I’m saying.”

Releasing him from the hug, I gave him a peck on the cheek and hurried ahead to school, leaving him behind.  Like it had been for me all week, I had only another long day to look forward to.

~~** Tachibana Mayuri’s Point of View **~~

With Shota and my daughter out of the house and off to school, I could finally let my composure drop for a moment as I sat down on the couch in the living room to cry.  I had made a blunder somewhere, but I wasn’t exactly sure where.

Was that Friday night too much for him after all?

I had my own cross to bear, in that as much as my new husband has shown his love and dedication to me, even though it’s only been a short while that we have been married, I have been at fault for a few things.  The main problem being that of my idiot daughter, Chigusa.

As a parent, Chigusa had pushed me out of her life almost completely by the time she entered high school, though I fear it was long before that.  She’d become pushy, entitled, and rude, not just to me, but to her father and pretty much everyone around her.  She no longer listened to me and went out to play with her two delinquent friends.  To be honest, I already thought she was something of a lost cause.

To my surprise however, it turns out Chigusa had met Shota early in her first year of high school, and up until a month before he met me, right before their break-up, each other’s first intimate partner.  In the rare instance I had talked with my daughter during her rebellious phase, I had heard her mention once or twice about having a boyfriend, though I never had the opportunity to meet him since she never brought him home to meet me or her father, but he was at least a decent sort from what I was able to gather, since she admitted in a conversation I overheard between her and her friends that he hadn’t yet laid his hands on her.

Of course, this last mention of him was at the beginning of the current school year, and she had been dating him for some time by then.  I was confident nothing too irresponsible would happen, since I had educated her about contraceptives, and even let her build up some tolerance to alcohol from the time she was in her third year of middle school.

I don’t attribute her bad behavior to that, though she’s my first and only child, and it’s entirely possible I’m just a bad mother after all.  I mean, even my precious sister Manako got married and had a proper family.  I’m the one who chased after that man with a baby in tow, never once convincing him to marry me.

It’s funny.  Up until Friday night, when Shota felt obligated to confess his “sins” to me, I never once thought it would be that big of a deal if he laid his hands on my daughter after learning they were once lovers.

As it was, my relationship with Shota wasn’t something I really thought about as being too serious a thing.  It’s not to say I didn’t plan on respecting my marriage vows to him, it’s just that, well, I wanted to get married once in my life, if only to shut my parents up.

I’m a flake of a woman, I admit it.

I’m good for childbirth, budgeting, housekeeping, and cooking.  That’s about it.  Aside from that, I like to bury all my other problems with alcohol and pretend they don’t exist.  My life hasn’t been perfect by any means, but the truth is, I don’t have the first idea what my young husband has been through at such a young age to make him so loyal to a no-good woman like myself.

If it were just a matter of cooking him three meals a day and giving him an outlet for his libido, there shouldn't be any reason for him to not look my daughter’s way.  But his eyes are only ever fixed on me.  He thinks he’s betrayed me, but he just doesn’t get that the person doing the most betraying things here is me.

After all, how can I say I love him anywhere near the amount he loves me, if I keep letting Chigusa try and steal his heart?

Which brings me to my real conundrum.

Realizing that I do love him, after all, but that my love for him is abnormal.  It’s abnormal because of what happened between me and Chigusa’s father… Watanabe Daigo.

Knowing I was cheated on… knowing he had probably made love to that woman and possibly others, then having the gall to come home and make love to me afterwards… There isn’t enough alcohol to make me feel like I’m not diseased from it.

My heart and mind were crushed by his betrayal.  After all, even if things weren’t the best between us, I did love Daigo with all that I had.  Even though he wouldn’t marry me, I still loved Daigo.

Up until Shota dropped down into a dogeza… some part of me probably still loved Daigo.

And I’m the worst kind of woman for marrying such a good, honest, generous, and loyal man on a whim just because I was heartbroken, and not because I truly loved him at the time.

But perhaps that’s changed.

I have my resolve now to be the best wife I possibly can be to him, but all the confidence I had built up that night began to waver over the weekend, and had plummeted since Monday, when I discovered Chigusa was pregnant with his child.

I was happy–ecstatic even to learn that not only would I be a grandmother soon, but the father of my daughter’s child was my own good-natured husband!  I wasn’t upset at all!  I couldn’t possibly think of a better person to be the father of my grandchild, only…

I’m sure that very thing is what’s eating him alive right now.

He must think the worst of us, both mother and daughter who love him.  I wanted him to know it was okay.  I wanted him to be able to continue doing something with Chigusa… to keep making her happy in some capacity until he was willing to accept her as a woman as well.

But, I’ve also got a jealous side sometimes.

I’m still a woman, and it’s natural to want to keep such a superior man for herself.  If it was a once in a while thing, I could handle it, I told myself.  But the truth of the matter is, when I saw the baby in her belly… I wanted it myself.

Even though it would steal the middle years of my life, I too… wanted to bear the child of the man who loved me enough to marry me.  The man who dotes on me, needs me, loves me.

The man who in only a few months has shown he is so much better than the bastard ex of mine who I chased after like I was still a foolish teenager.  Just like my daughter is.  Just like my daughter has.

So all I can do right now is cry my heart out and hope there’s a way to fix some of this.  Because I don’t want us… to end.  I want to remain Tachibana Mayuri-san.

But do I even have a right to, anymore?

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