Chapter 47: -15- Depth of Love

~~** Watanabe Chigusa’s Point of View **~~

Mom didn’t come home.

Shota was worried, sure, but he said she just needed some time to herself.  That it was her way of sorting things out and he trusted in her and she would return eventually.  So when I suggested we keep each other company tonight, I was pleasantly surprised to find he was in agreement.

“But not in my room.” He said with finality.

Shota would sleep with me, but his problem was where.  To him, the bed they shared was something sacred to him.  That was where his marriage was, and when I actually got a bit aggressive in asking him why it mattered so much and why he did all that stuff with me while there while mom was visiting auntie Manako and not now.  His answer to me was simple.

“I did it for our marriage, Chigusa.  I wanted to resolve your feelings, because otherwise I thought it would be worse if I didn’t.  You were way crazier at that time…  Whatever this is between us now, it’s not for the benefit of my marriage with Mayuri-san.  So your bedroom is the only place acceptable for me to do such things, not that they are acceptable to begin with.”

It’s true.  I still feel the insanity of wanting all of Shota to myself, to be smothered in his embrace and hear him whisper his undying love to me as he filled me deeper and pleased me better than any toy I might have in my nightstand.  But his loyalty to my mother, complications for me aside, was also a factor in my feelings for him.  Shota is a good man.  Even though I’ve done so much to corrupt him… He’s kept as much to his vows to her as a sane and healthy high school teenager possibly can.  Who doesn’t want such a fiercely loyal man?

So, I’ve decided to be patient.

He loves me.  He loves our baby.  It’s only a matter of time now that the seed is planted and taking root.  Last night wasn’t the opportunity I wanted, but it was no less a catalyst in helping him understand my feelings clearly.

Real sex may not happen with us before this child is born, but that’s okay.  One day I will get him to the point where he can freely do so.  But until then, whatever affection he gives me, I will take greedily with both hands.

I suggested another bath together and Shota didn’t even bat an eye.

“Sure.” he said, as if it was perfectly fine and not like he was totally paranoid like he had been.

I actually got a bit worried that whatever happened last night messed with some part of him.  Shota was usually hands off when it came to me.  I had to do everything… but today was different, as it had been since he read the note mom left.

In the bath, we didn’t bother with towels.  He washed my back and front without any hesitation or complaint, slowly and seductively he lifted an arm or moved a leg to wash clean the parts he wanted.

When it was my turn, I was free to do the same.  Even when I wanted to tease him a bit by getting my tits soapy and using them, Shota accepted it without a single flustered reaction, telling me how nice it felt!  

I washed his back, then came around to wash his front, and with his erection visible, he didn’t hide it from me anymore.  He let me wash him, explore his nice body which could have only benefited from a little extra exercise, and even let me do something risky.  Lowering my head to give that special part of his a much needed tongue bath.

I expected him to pull my head away, but he didn’t.  My mouth only wrapped around the bulbous head, but when I realized he wouldn’t stop me, I had to stop myself.

I didn’t go through with it.

Shota had pulled me into his lap afterwards, and his sausage was gently slid into my front buns while he continued to give me kisses and showed interest in my breasts.

I was going mad with what he was doing to me with his behavior right now.  I was the one being tempted entirely by him!  I, who had decided to back off and bide my time, was now at his simple affectionate mercy.

I sat in the bathtub, while he held me gently.  Just us two again at last.  It made me wonder why we didn’t have sex earlier in our relationship, and why I couldn’t experience this with him sooner.  If he would have asked, I totally would have done it with him, but he never did.

I felt a pang of regret, and the words from a much earlier conversation we had haunted me.  If only I was a couple of weeks sooner in coming back to him…

We ended up going back downstairs for dinner after our bath together, the large pasta we ordered reheated and being split between us as our dinner along with the garlic bread.  After eating our fill, Shota just got up and walked over to me, kneeling down and putting his head against my belly again.  He seemed to enjoy doing that.

I couldn’t figure out his thoughts at all.

“Have you thought of any names yet?” he asked me out of the blue.

“…no.  Do you have one in mind?”

“No.  Are you okay with something traditional, or are you leaning towards a kira-kira name?”

A kira-kira name is one of those fancy western sounding names written in katakana.  Something like Urara or Aphrodite.

“I think a traditional name is fine.  But I want her to have a good name.  Something that will let her know she’s loved, even if her home situation is so different from everyone else’s.” I said to Shota.

My name, Chigusa, is written with the kanji for thousand and flower.  My mother actually loves flowers, since when she was little she used to have a small garden at my grandparent’s place she would take care of with her grandmother when she was really young.

“So something like Ai or Kaori?” he suggested.

“Those sound nice, but we have plenty of time to think of many more.  Do we need to rush it?”

I really wasn’t in a rush to give her a name.  Mom said that she didn’t even start thinking of a name for me until she was in her eighth month.  I’m sure by then Shota and I would have a better idea of what we really want to call her.

I gently stroked his head and neck all the while.  He was so docile in my lap, it was crazy.  Shota didn’t have a switch, he was very ruled by his moods, but they were slow to come and go.  It’s why he never really got into fights with me, I imagine, since by the time I would have gotten him to a point he would have gotten angry or fought back with me, I would have already been gone, back home or out with my other friends.

I really was a trash girlfriend.

“Chigusa… will you forgive me?”  Shota said quietly in my lap.

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“For getting me pregnant?”  I asked, wondering if he was having regrets.

“No.  For… being weak.”

Weak?  What ridiculousness was he even saying right now?

“You aren’t weak, Shota.  You’re strong.  You’re crazy strong!”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

Shota remained quiet, turning his head to kiss my stomach a few times before calling my name out again.

“Chigusa…”

“Yes?”

“Let’s… go upstairs.  I want to feel the baby move with you again.”

Shota took my hand, leaving the kitchen table a mess, and brought me upstairs.  Entering the room, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.  He placed me on the bed, and pulled my panties down, and what passion from him I didn’t feel last night, I now felt with the force of a waterfall.

Shota’s tongue and fingers parted away my own insecurities about what we were together, as well as my tiny pussy.  He made love to me in the only way he felt he felt he was allowed to, with his mouth.  He was tender to me with the two fingers he easily slipped inside of me, and absolutely cruel to me with how he bullied my outsides with his whole mouth.  

He fucking ravished me orally.  

Tonight couldn’t compare to any other night.  Shota kneeled at the bedside and put my legs over his shoulders.  Sliding his hands under my backside, he made sure I was always at the angle he wanted for what he was doing.

I had never experienced the hunger he had for my body like this, and after a rapid build up, my body tightened up and my back rose as I gushed out my love for him over and over.  Then when I got sensitive, he pulled away and attacked my sensitive inner thighs and the creases between my thighs and folds.

I didn’t care anymore what he did, as long as he was there.

I was being dragged undertow by his display of feelings towards me and our child with repeated orgasms.  I think I had counted my third or fourth orgasm by the time I realized he wasn’t doing his due diligence.  Our baby was wide awake moving now, yet he was only focused on me.

I’m the one who had to say stop before he missed out on the opportunity he wanted.  I had to deny myself more of the opportunity that I wanted, because I wanted to match his sincerity.

Shota listened to my request to stop.  He then laid me back onto my bed and placed his head on my stomach.  My outsides were tingling and my insides were contracting after all of that stimulation. I’m pretty sure we both were no longer questioning anything anymore.  I clearly felt the movement of our baby, and Shota did as well.

I heard him say the words I desperately wanted to hear from him all this time.  But I don’t think they were meant for me.  They were instead meant for her.  They were for the child we would bring into the world in another few months, when after tomorrow, it would no longer be possible to undo what was done, not that I ever wanted to.

So, I pretended those words were meant for me too.

It was so much easier to pretend after all, playing house like we were while mom was away.

When Shota wrapped me up in his arms again, once more from behind, once more guarding my entrance with his protective staff, once more pulling me tight against him, and once more showering my neck and shoulders with his kisses.  I asked him a single serious question.

“Shota, what does it mean to cheat on my mother to you?  Is it really about just putting it in me?"

I felt it was a valid question and a good way to understand him further… to understand how his heart operated and how I should behave in order to gain him as my own, because no matter what I said, as a woman, I ultimately wanted him as just that.

His reply reflected everything in his past in one go.

“It means never leaving her feeling alone.  We’re both weak cowards, Chigusa.  Mayuri-san and I... are both afraid of being left alone and unloved.  That’s why I’ll always return to her bed at the end of the night.  I don’t think she really would care if we had sex… the reason I won’t have sex with you is because I think if I do… I’m afraid I won’t be strong enough to return to her bedroom.  And that will be the true moment I betray her.  Because I left her alone… for you.  And Mayuri-san doesn’t deserve to be left alone, no matter how she behaves, especially when she’s drunk.”

“Is your loneliness that deep?” I asked, blown away by his honest answer.

“Everyone who I ever loved, left me.  Everyone who ever loved me, eventually leaves me.”

I realized then, to Shota, I had been, and still am an offending party.

I left him without knowing how he would take it.  It’s not that he wouldn’t have come chasing after me.  He just thought there was no point to it.  Like all the other people in his life, I left him alone.

Yet, even with this being the case, why can he so easily forgive my mother for doing this to him multiple times, and not me for the one?  There had to be a reason for it, but I could no longer ask him.  Not because he wouldn’t reply to my additional questions, he simply couldn’t.

He fell asleep holding tightly to what he wanted to protect.

One arm carefully covering my scarred breast from underneath, and one hand defending our daughter’s private entrance from all the terrible things that exist outside of my womb from above.

“Good night, my husband and beloved papa.  Mama will take care of the baby while you take care of all the rest.  You can dream safely, because I won’t ever leave you alone again.  I’m not my mother.  I was never alone to begin with, so I didn’t understand you back then, but now I do.  You need me, far more than you need her…”

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