Chapter 4: Head Noob in Charge

"Yeah, I'll let you on a little secret." Church tells the others. "I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home."

"Oh yeah?" Tucker questions. "Girlfriend or wife?"

"No, man, she's just my girlfriend, you know? We were gonna get married, but... I got shipped out, and... ah, you know how it works."

"That's so sad." Bell says in a sad tone.

"Oh, well, are you gonna marry her when you get back?" Tucker asks Church.

"I'm not gonna get married." Everyone turns to Caboose. "My dad always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"

"Caboose!" Bell yells in shock.

"Hey, rookie!" Church yells and takes a few steps towards Caboose. "Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

"No, I think he called her a slut." Tucker says.

"Caboose, sweety, please never say anything like that again." Bell says.

"I'll tell you what, noob." Church says to Caboose. "I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long. But as it turns out, I got a lot more important job got you to do."

"Great." Caboose says.

"See, we've got this general."

"Right, the... general guy."

"General?" Bell questions. "What g-" Church turns to her. "Sorry."

Church turns back to Caboose. "Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do is, I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention. Just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?" Caboose asks.

"We never know." Tucker states. "Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

"You know, you don't sound very grateful." Church observes. "This is the most important job at the whole base! You're going to be right there with the flag!"

"What's so important about the flag?" Caboose asks.

"Aw, come on! Don't they reach you guys anything in training?"

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag man. You know, it's th- it's the flag! It's... Bell, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"HUH?!" Bell stammers. "I-Uh-It's... If we lose the flag we lose our jobs!" She looks away from everyone.

"See, it's that important, okay? Trust us." Church says. "So when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag."

"Right." Tucker agrees.

"So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him."

Caboose turns and heads for the base, but stops half way and turns around. "Uh, how will I know when I see him?"

"There's only four of us out here, rookie." Tucker states. "He's going to be the guy that doesn't looks like one of us."

"Now get in there and don't come out!" Church orders, then he turns to Tucker. "Man! That guy is dumber than you are!"

"You mean he's dumber than YOU are."

"Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback."

"I hate lying to people." Bell says.

"Eh, you'll get used to it." Church says, causing Bell to whine.

Caboose pops out from the base. "Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?"

"Oh, my god!" Church grumbles then he yells. "WHAT?!" He turns to the two blue soldiers next to him. "Tucker, Bell, I swear I'm gonna kill him."

"Sorry about calling your girl a slut." 

"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE."

Caboose walks back into the base as Tucker turns to the tank and laughs.

Church turns to Tucker. "Tucker, are you laughing at me."

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Donut steps up behind Church and Bell looks to him.

"Uh, Church." Bell says and he ignores her.

"Excuse me, sir?" Donut asks Church. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Dear God in heaven, rookie, if I turn around and you are not inside, I-I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to you!" Church says.

"Uh, Church." Bell says.

"What did I do?" Donut asks.

"ONE!" Church yells.

"Aw, give me a break!"

"TWO!"

"Fine!" Donut turns around and walks into the base.

"Uh, Church." Bell says.

"Bell, Shut up." Church orders.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, Sir."

Inside the base, Donut walks up to Caboose.

Caboose: Wow, you got here fast!

Donut: Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?

Caboose: I'm not, sir. What can I do for you?

Donut: Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

Caboose: Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this... (turns toward the flag)

Donut: Wait, is this all you have?

Caboose: Uh, yes, sir. That's it!

Donut: Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

Caboose: Uhmm...

Donut: Headlight fluid?

Caboose: No. All we have is this flag.

Donut: Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that.

Caboose: Sure, that makes sense. I guess.

Donut: (leaving with the flag) Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

Cut to Church, Bell, and Tucker.

"Well, enough gabbing out of us." Church says. "Let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker."

"Me?" Tucker asks. "I can't drive that thing!"

"You're telling me you're not armor-certified?"

"I ca- I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! What about you Bell?"

"I-I'm not getting in that thing." Bell says. "It's t-to big and loud for me." She turns to Church. "Do you know how to drive that thing?"

"NO!" Church yells. "Holy crap! Who is running this army?!"

Caboose pops out from the base. "Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!"

"YEAH, OKAY. WHATEVER, MORON!" Church yells and Caboose walks back into the base. "Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second. What did he just say?"

"I did try to bring it up." Bell mutters.

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01-21-2023

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