Chapter 210: FAQ

Fade in to the canyon. The Reds and the Blues are standing in line in front of Felix, in the middle of the canyon. Cut to Doc standing up in front of Felix.

Doc: There, good as new.

Felix: I can't feel my toes.

Donut: That's normal.

Felix: Is it?

Washington aims his rifle towards Felix's face.

Felix: H-hey, whoa!

Washington: You need to start talking.

"Hmm, aggressive, paranoid, and a little melodramatic." Felix starts. "You must be Agent Washington."

"Ha! Melodramatic." Tucker laughs.

"I say we blow his legs off to make him talk." Ash says and Xi appears on his shoulder.

Felix looks to Ash. "Inane, likes explosives, has a pink A.I. You must be Agent Minnesota." Felix looks to the rest. "And that means the rest of you are the Reds and the Blues."

"Oh my God, how did he know that?!" Caboose yells.

"We're wearing red and blue armor." Grif informs.

"But how can he tell?"

"Will somebody please fix his helmet?"

"How do you know who we are?" Wash asks Felix.

"Seriously?" Felix asks. "C'mon man, everybody knows about you guys! You're heroes!"

"Heroes?" Sarge questions. 

"You're the team that brought down Project Freelancer. You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers!"

"I've always wanted to be a hero." Ash says.

Simmons looks to the others. "Well, I can see how you might think that."

"Because it's absolutely true!" Sarge says.

"It's partially true." Doc says.

"But mainly false." Grif says.

"Yeah, we kinda just bullshitted it." Ash says.

"Stop giving him information." Wash orders. "What's your name?" He asks Felix.

"Felix." He responds.

"Okay, Felix. What are you doing here?"

"Do you want the long answer of the short one?" Felix asks.

"Do you want another bullet in your leg?" Wash asks

"Hey, that bullet's there because of you!"

"He's got a point." Tucker says to Wash.

Wash lowers his rifle and sighs. "Just... explain what's going on."

"Uh yeah, like who were those guys that were trying to kill us?" Grif asks.

"And why haven't we been rescued yet?" Simmons asks.

"Wait, where do you think you are?" Felix asks.

"What do you mean?" Tucker asks.

"I mean, do you understand where you've crashed?"

"Well we've been taking bets." Sarge explains. "Highest wager's currently on Bermuda Triangle. After that we've got Gilligan's Island, and Purgatory."

"So stupid." Grif says.

"No, just think about it!" Donut says. "It makes perfect sense!"

"The reason no-one's come to help you, is the same reason no-one's come to help THEM." Felix motions to the four dead soldiers behind the group.

"Them?" Simmons questions. 

"The people on this planet."

"What planet?" Wash asks.

"Chorus." Felix answers. 

"Never heard of it." Tucker says.

"Well, I wouldn't expect you to." Felix starts. "It's on the very edge of colonized space, and after the war between the humans and the aliens, it was more or less forgotten by Earth and the UNSC."

"We crashed in the middle of nowhere, on a planet in the middle of nowhere. Fucking beautiful, everybody." Grif says.

"But how did we end up so far from home? It should've been a short flight." Simmons states.

Cut to the inside of the spaceship, before the crash. Sarge is seen tampering with the ship's engine

Spaceship operator: Sir, please, you can't be back here. These engines are delicate.

Sarge: Can it, Poindexter. No wonder this flight's taking so long! Who ever heard of delicate engines? These engines are supposed to be big. Loud. And terrible for the environment! Let's kick this baby into slipspace!

Spaceship operator: Wait!

Alarms and flashing red lights go off. Cut back to the canyon.

Sarge: Uh, one mystery at a time there, Simmons.

"Yeah, one mystery at a time." Ash says.

Back with the space ship, before the crash.

Ash is in an armory and he's looking around. 

"Sweet!" Ash says as he picks up a sniper rifle.

"Hey, this is a restricted area!" A ship operator says.

"AHHH!" Ash jumps out of fright and drops the sniper rifle.

The sniper rifle hits the ground and goes off. The bullet strikes a large computer across the room and it starts to spark.

"Hope that wasn't important." Ash says.

Alarms and flashing red lights go off. Cut back to the canyon.

Felix continues. " Now, being a small planet, completely free of UNSC jurisdiction, the nice little people of Chorus decided to run things on their own. The only problem was, they didn't do a very good job."

"Ugh, history's the worst." Grif says. "Can you just get to the point?"

"The point is, you've crash-landed in the middle of a civil war." Felix explains. "And I'm on the side that's trying to keep you alive."

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"And which side is that?" Wash asks.

"The New Republic. Essentially a bunch of people got fed up with the way things were going on Chorus, so, they put together a rebel army and decided to fight for their freedom. It's all VERY patriotic."

"So what?" Tucker questions and he motions to the four dead soldiers. "Does that make those guys the 'Evil Empire' or something?"

"Yeah, you could say that." Felix says. 

"Oh. Well, fuck."

"But why the attack, why try to kidnap us?" Wash asks.

"It's like I said, you're the greatest soldiers in the galaxy." Felix says. "That makes you a pretty hot commodity. And I'd be lying if I said my shitty attempt at a rescue mission didn't have a few strings attached."

"What kinda strings we talkin' here?" Sarge asks.

Felix sighs. "The rebels need your help. Once they heard that you were on Chorus, they sent me out with a small team to find you and bring you back."

"They're hoping YOU might be the key to winning this war." Felix finishes. 

The Reds and Blues look at each other for a moment.

"...No." Grif says.

"No?" Felix asks in surprise. 

"Yeah, no." Simmons says.

"Yeah, war sounds fun." Ash says. "But I'm gonna go with no on this one."

"Yeah, that-that's not gonna work, for me." Caboose says.

Wash speaks up. "Look, Felix, I hate to break it to you, but we're in no condition to fight a war."

"All we want is a ride off this shitty planet." Tucker says. "No offense."

"Eh, it ain't MY shitty planet." Felix says.

"Aren't you one of the rebels?" Doc asks.

"No, I'm a Freelancer."

The Reds and Blues (except for Caboose) immediately aim their weapons at Felix. Even Doc raises his medical scanner. 

"N-no, I mean I'm a mercenary!" Felix quickly defuses. "Y'know, a gun for hire?!" 

The group lowers their weapons.

"Oh, thank God." Grif says in relief. 

"They paid you to come find us?" Wash asks.

"They pay me to do lots of stuff, but yeah, you're my current paycheck." Felix says.

"So you want US to go fight someone ELSE'S war just so YOU can make some extra cash?"

It's silent for a few seconds.

"Uh, it's for a good cause?" Felix says.

"Right." Wash starts. "We'll just take that ride out of here if you don't mind."

"Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!" Tucker says. "Mediocrity!"

"Woo-hoo!" Grif is happy. "Here's to not going that extra mile!"

"Here's to buying that log cabin!" Ash says.

"Y'know I wasn't alone when I came out here to find you." Felix says. "There were three of us. Just think about that."

Felix turns and walks away.

"Whatever." Grif starts. "It's not like we ASKED them to save us."

"Yeah, we DEFINITELY didn't build a giant radio tower to send out a distress signal or anything." Simmons states.

Grif turns to Simmons. "Shut up."

Felix walks to the edge of the base and activates his radio.

Felix: Headquarters, this is Felix. I've made contact with the Reds and Blues.

Headquarters: (over radio) Holy shit, you found them? That's great! Um, what's your status?

Felix: Not good. We ran into some Feds. I need an evac team.

Headquarters: (to himself) Dammit. (to Felix) Uh, Felix, I can't just fly somebody out there.

Felix: Yeah, I know, okay, but you send as many men as you can, as fast as you can. Locus has our position.

Headquarters: Oh, no.

Tucker: (overhearing) Who's Locus?

Felix: (to Headquarters) Now I want to do this quiet, and I want to do it right. But just to be safe, bring a shitload of guns.

Headquarters: Right. Sending reinforcements, sir.

Felix: Roger. Felix out.

Felix ends his transmission, turns, and walks back to the Reds and Blues.

"So, what now?" Grif asks.

"Now we work on making this canyon the most defendable hole in the ground the universe has ever seen." Felix says.

"Why?" Wash asks.

"Because we're about to get hit hard." Felix states. "I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand. Let's set up checkpoints and mark potential sniper's nests."

"Woah, woah, woah, slow down." Wash says. "We're not telling you anything. We still don't even know if we can believe you."

"Well, believe this. If we don't prepare for a fight, we might as well just be waiting for a massacre."

Washington: (bows head acceptingly) Tucker, see if you can fix Caboose's helmet.

Caboose: Yes, who said that!

Washington: Sarge, you and the Reds build up an arsenal. If we can use it as a weapon, let's get it prepped.

Sarge: I can think of a few things that might come in handy.

Washington: Felix. You and I aren't done talking.

Felix: Well all right then. Let's see if you guys are as good as they say.

Grif: Prepare to be sorely disappointed.

"And probably blow up." Ash says.

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07-21-2022

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