Chapter 217: Teaming with Problems

Fade in to a shot of the New Republic's base. A scorpion tank drives into garage in the background. Cut to Matthews.

Matthews: I just think that...if you would just reconsider sir.

Matthews is shown to be talking to Grif and Bitters.

Matthews: (stutters) I mean, uh, I followed your order from day one with like, the burritos and...and... I'd follow you to the end, sir. I really would.

Grif: Bitters? What do I always say?

Bitters: (unenthused) "Nobody likes a kiss-ass."

Grif: Nobody likes a kiss-ass.

Matthews: But, sir!

Grif: Matthews, you are in fact a total kiss-ass. And nobody likes that. Bitters, do you like that?

Bitters: Nope.

Grif: Bitters doesn't like that. Because Bitters here is a maverick, a loose cannon. And people love loose cannons. I'm a bit of a loose cannon myself. Isn't that right Bitters?

Bitters: Actually, I'm starting to think you're just kinda lazy.

Grif: See that? Total loose cannon response. I respect that, Bitters.

Bitters: (sighs) Whatever.

Grif: So, as much it pains me, inside, I'm afraid I must deny your request to join our elite team, Matthews.

Matthews: (tearing up) Very well sir. I understand.

Matthews walks off.

Grif: Even in defeat, still a kiss-ass.

Simmons: (offscreen) Grif, hurry up!

Grif: Speaking of which...

Cut to Grif joining Tucker, Simmons, Ash, and Caboose on a platform. Their Five respective lieutenants, Bitters, Palomo, Jensen, Axel, and Smith stand below.

Simmons clears his throat. "Hello, welcome everyone, thank you for joining us here."

"Uh, why don't we all just go down the line and introduce ourselves." Simmons says.

"Um, hi, yes." Caboose goes first. "My name is Michael J. Caboose."

"Hi, Michael." The recruits say.

Simmons turns to Caboose. "No, I meant the recruits. Why would we need to introduce ourselves? They already know us!"

"Yes, but do they know the REAL us?" Caboose asks.

"What does that even mean?" Tucker asks.

"Well, that's a very interesting question, Tucker. Why don't you elaborate on those feelings?"

"Ugh, just state your name." Tucker says to the recruits. 

"And tells us a fun fact about yourselves!" Simmons says.

"Really?" Grif asks.

Smith: (clears throat) Permission to speak, sir?

Tucker: Uh, go for it?

Smith: Thank you, sir. Lieutenant John-

Grif: Hey, G.I. Joe? Could you drop the act? We don't have all day.

Smith: Oh, um very good, sir. My friends call me Smith. I've served the New Republic faithfully for several years and I believe Captain Caboose is one of the wisest individuals I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Sir!

Grif: Great. Another kiss-ass.

Simmons: You mean our Caboose?

Smith: Yes, sir.

Simmons: This one right here?

Smith: Correct.

Simmons:...The blue one?

Tucker: Okay, moving on. Next?

"Um... My name is Atticus Axel." Axel starts. "And um... I got this job by winning a Rock, Paper, and Scissors match between the rest of my platoon.  Um..."

"Is he stupid or something?" Grif asks Ash.

"I dunno." Ash says. "I liked his name, so I added him to my platoon."

"Oh my God." Tucker groans.

"Uhhhhh.... I like the color red." Axel finishes. 

"Moving on." Simmons says.

Jensen: Hello, everyone. I'm Katie Jensen. I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh...

Jensen grabs her throat and begins choking. She then falls over, gagging. Cut to the Reds and Blues staring at her.

Grif: Uh, should we do something?

Jensen gets up.

Jensen: (coughing) Sorry. Choked on my own spit.

Tucker: Simmons, what the fuck is this?

Simmons: It was either her or the really hot one that plays volleyball.

Tucker: Then what the fuck is this!?

Simmons: She makes me less nervous, okay! Just leave me alone!

"Should have gone with the hot one, dude." Ash says.

"Shut up!" Simmons yells at Ash.

Grif: Next.

Bitters: (unenthused) I'm Bitters. My fun fact is that I don't have a...fun fact.

Grif: Total. Maverick.

"Great, we have another Grif." Ash groans.

Palomo: And last but not least!

Tucker: (groans)

Palomo: Private Palomo. Slayer of women, wooer of evil. (pause) Wait...

Simmons: Is that your fun fact?

Palomo: Oh, uh...oh! I'm the only surviving member of green team. Suck on that.

Tucker: I fucking hate you, Palomo.

"Wow, you suck Tucker." Ash says.

"Shut it, Ash." Tucker says.

Simmons: Alright, as you've all been informed, this team has come together for the sole purpose of rescuing the remaining survivors of a UNSC shipwreck from several months back. We all know them as Donut, Agent Washington, and Sarge.

Grif: And maybe a Spanish robot named Lopez.

Caboose: And maybe an adorable robot named Freckles.

Tucker: Yeah yeah, we get it. The point is, we've only got five days to train you guys, so we're getting started right now! Now, any questions?

Cut to the four Republic recruits.

Smith: ...Who is leading this team?

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Caboose, Grif, Simmons, Ash, and Tucker: I am!

The five look at each other.

"Uh, what?" Tucker asks confused.

"Well, I'm obviously the one who should be leading us." Simmons starts. "I'm the most logical of the group."

"Bullshit!"

"I'm the one who set up this entire meeting!"

"Yeah. And this meeting blows dicks." Grif says.

"Wait, why do YOU wanna be the leader?" Simmons asks.

"Well, I'm really starting to get used to all this praise and pampering. And I don't want to risk losing it all to one of you jerks."

Matthews pops up on an platform in the distant background.

Matthews: I could always praise an pamper you, sir!

Grif: Goddammit Matthews! What did we just talk about!?

Caboose: Well, I think there's an easy way to settle this. Ahem, raise your hand if you were the leader of a team any time before joining this army.

"Oh whatever that was a fluke." Simmons says.

"Yup, and I forgot to raise my hand." Caboose says.

"Hey, if you're looking for experience so far I'm the only one who's been on an actual mission." Tucker says.

Grif fake coughs. "Two people died!"

"I think I'd be good, because I'm a Freelancer." Ash says.

"You were a Freelancer." Grif says.

"Also you lost all your memories of that time and before." Tucker says.

"... I've gotten a few back." Ash says.

"Excuse me sirs." Smith speaks up. "We could always vote."

Grif, Tucker, Simmons, and Caboose look at one another. 

Simmons: My fellow soldiers. If you elect me as your leader, you're not just voting for a kind, well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory. I've overseen countless skirmishes and calculated my opponent's every move. And although some people may not count Dungeons and Dragons as an acceptable example of military expertise, I beg to differ. A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!

Palomo:...But we're not in America.

Simmons: ...Fuck!

Caboose: And I will put Kool-Aids in all the water fountains! And we won't have to wear uniforms...anymore! And Principal Kimball... will...allow us...double recess! (echoing) Recess, recess recess...

Tucker: Caboose, you're not running for class president.

Pan in closer towards Smith.

Smith: No, don't you see? We won't need uniforms anymore because the war will finally be over. Kimball will send us out into the world and we'll never have to raise another gun ever again.

Cut to a view of Smith looking up at Caboose.

Smith: By god, he has such a way with words.

Grif: Is this guy for real?

Simmons: Wait, what about the Kool-aid in the water fountains?

Smith: Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.

"I like kool-aid." Axel says.

Ash

Ash is standing on the stage.

"Hello, My name's Cyprus Ash, or as many know me as Agent Minnesota. Um... I'm the only one here with real military experience from two different things. I'm good with weapons and explosives. I can speak French. Um... I also have an A.I."

Xi appears on Ash's shoulder and waves.

"How does an A.I. prove you're a good leader for this team.." Bitters asks.

"It really doesn't." Ash says. "It just proves that I'm better than everyone."

"You're insane!" Tucker yells.

"Your point is?" Ash asks Tucker.

"Why are we doing this again?" Axel asks.

Grif: ...Dibs.

Simmons: What?

Grif: I call dibs on the team. Dibs.

Tucker: You can't call dibs on the team!

Grif: ...You sure?

Simmons: Grif!

"Last time we did bids, we almost got blown up by a tank." Ash says.

Grif: Alright, whatever! (mumbling) I don't wanna be leader anyway...

Tucker: S'up guys, Tucker here. Uh, speech...speech...oh, I've always said I'm a lover and not a fighter. I'm lookin' at you, Jensen.

Jensen: Me?

Tucker: Yeah, tell your volleyball friend I said that. Anyways-

Felix arrives on the scene.

Felix: Please. God. Tell me you guys haven't been standing around talking all morning.

Tucker looks at Felix and then back at the recruits.

Tucker: (to the recruits) ...Alright look, you want the truth? I don't wanna be your leader. Being a leader totally sucks. It's hard work and you have to put up with people you hate! But I wanna get my friends back and seeing as that's our mission, I will deal with whatever bullshit I have to do to make it happen! ...And if I was holding a mic, this would be the part where I drop it.

Brief silence.

Jensen:...I vote for Tucker.

Bitters: Yeeaah, I vote for Tucker.

Smith: Me too.

Palomo: Yeah.

"I guess I'll vote Tucker." Axel says.

Grif: Congratulations, Tucker! You got the job. That you hate.

"How did I lose to him?" Ash asks. "Of all people?"

Felix: Yeaaah, great. Yay. Happy for you. So, did you guys wanna start training at some point? Or, sorry, would you prefer to keep dicking around? Because by all means, I could watch this train wreck all day. Really, it's-it's like the Hindenburg footage. Ya-ya ever see that? Just, absolutely breathtaking... until you realize everyone's screwed.

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07-21-2022

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