Chapter 259: Nightmare on Planet Evil

Tucker is in the foreground, addressing the camera. He appears to be in a severely overgrown area.

Tucker: They say a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Grif  wants to quit? Good riddance! I'm sick of carrying his fat ass anyway. Honestly, we could probably lose a few others while we're at it. Donut for starts. Simmons, Ash, Sarge, Lopez. Red Team. We're just being honest, right? I'm the team leader, I'm the one who matters!

SIMMONS, out-of-focus, emerges in the background.

Simmons: We found it!

Tucker: SIMMONS! DON'T INTERRUPT.

The camera zooms in on SIMMONS, bringing him into focus.

Simmons: I wasn't talking to you, Tucker! We found it, Miss Dylan: another relay!

Dylan and Jax are revealed to be interviewing TUCKER.

Dylan: On our way!

Tucker: Are you sure you got all that? I could do it again! I'm always down for another round bow-chicka-bow-wow!

Dylan: (quickly) Nope, we got it. Enough takes. Thanks.

We cut to them inspecting the relay as LOPEZ, DONUT, and SARGE stand guard.

Ash is next to Simmons.

"Yeah, this is it." Dylan says.

"It's just like the others?" Tucker asks.

"More or less..."

"I understand what it does, but not how it does it." Dylan states. "This and the other relay beacons obviously have been bouncing Church's signal around until it was picked up by Chorus." Dylan turns back to the beacon and crouches down. "But these components... I can't even tell what this it."

"It's a Bop-It." Tucker quickly states.

"A what?" Dylan asks as she looks at Tucker.

"A Bop-It. It's some dumb kids toy. Caboose has one."

"Uh, had one." Caboose corrects. "Yep, he was my friend, but I bopped him against a rock and now he's sleeping. ... In tiny pieces."

"That's... kinda scary." Ash says.

Dylan stands up and turns to the group. "Someone is building experimental technology out of kids toys?"

"Can you still do your... trace thing with your A.I.?" Simmons asks.

"Yeah. Same as before. It'll take some time, but I should be able to retrace the signal back a step."

"And in the meantime?"

Jax walks up to the group.

"We take a look around for other clues." Tucker states.

"Or... this place is pretty spooky!" Jax states. "I think it would make a great location for a horror movie. I got this one idea about a really fat zombie called 'Dead Weight...' 

Simmons laughs. "Grif, you are perf-"  He then realizes that his friend didn't come. "Oh... Right."

Sarge is staring off into the distance.

"Quiet. There's something out there." Sarge says ominously.

"Is it Church?" Caboose asks.

"No. Something in the shadows... Something...  evil."

"Don't scare Caboose, Sarge." Tucker says and he turns to the group. "Everybody... Church may have left some clues behind, so while we wait for Dylan's A.I. to trace a signal... we're gonna take a look around."

"About that... I've been crunching some numbers, and by my estimation it's gonna take approximately 17 days to search this entire urban area." Simmons states. 

"So, we split up and cover more ground." Tucker says.

"Hey, you already know your lines." Jax says to Tucker and he turns to Sarge. "Now you say-"

"DOOMED!" Sarge shouts. "You're all doomed! This city... IS HAUNTED!"

"What?!" Caboose questions.

"Don't even listen to him, Caboose." Tucker says. "He's just paranoid from not sleeping."

"Ungrateful- " Sarge starts.

Simmons turns to Dylan. "Sarge has been freaking out about you and Jax killing us in our sleep..."

"Which, I don't think they have the spine to do it." Ash states.

Simmons continues. "So he's been staying up for days and days on watch! I think he's starting to lose it!" He looks at Tucker. "What is this Tucker? Day..."

"It's Day 5." Tucker says.

"Sleep! Means! Death!" Sarge says.

"Meh. Weak premise..." Jax says.

"But that's what 'Nightmare on Elm Street' was about." Ash says.

"Let's keep it together, guys!" Tucker says. "We split up, we look for clues, that's the plan!"

"Alright, wh- wh- what if- what if we just stick together?" Caboose stammers. "Or, wait in the ship, isn't that way better?"

"Yeah, I think I'm with Caboose." Simmons says. "This place has bad juju."

"What are you worried about, Simmons?" Tucker asks. "The virgin always lives in horror movies."

And then, a whisper. JAX notices it.

Mysterious voice: Lavernius Tucker...

Tucker looks at Jax. "Knock it off, asshole. You're not scaring me!"

Simmons walks by.

Simmons: Man, this sucks.

DONUT walks through a flooded and overgrown underpass.

Donut: Yoo-hoo! Hello? Anybody there?

SARGE cautiously walks down a dark hallway, shotgun ready, grumbling incoherently. Suddenly, something startles him.

Sarge: FREEZE!

He aims his gun at what appears to be his own reflection.

Sarge: (amused) Ah! Heh-heh...as you were, good-looking! Heh heh!

Simmons walks down another abandoned hallway.

Whisper: Simmons...

Simmons: Hello...?

Whisper: (louder) Simmons...

Simmons: Who's there...?

Whisper: Simmons...

Simmons: Who's there?!

Whisper: Simmons...Caboose: ...it's me!

CABOOSE is right behind SIMMONS, who jumps.

Simmons: AUGH! Oh god, Caboose! You scared the crap out of me!

Caboose: SORRY! I TRIED TO WHISPER TO YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T TURN AROUND SO I HAVE TO TALK LIKE THIS ALSO NOW!

Simmons: Okay, calm down, calm down Caboose! What are you doing here?

Caboose: OH! Well, I know Tucker said we should split up, but I was thinking maybe we split up together, you know, because it's scary!

Simmons: Yeah...okay!

SIMMONS and CABOOSE walk into a naturally-lit area, passing by what appears to be an old noodle shop.

Caboose: What was this place?

Simmons: It was a human settlement before the alien war. Horrible massacre. No survivors.

Caboose: That must have made so many ghosts!

Simmons: Well, scientifically speaking there's no such thing as ghosts.

Caboose: Then what—then what happens to you when you die?

Simmons: Well, we just don't know. Probably nothing. Grif would say it's just one of life's great mysteries.

Beat.

Caboose: You talk about Grif a lot.

Simmons: Wh—shut up, no I don't.

Caboose: What you said makes no sense! If people don't turn into ghosts when they die, how do they come back?

Simmons: (thinking about this) Mmm...you don't.

Caboose: Then maybe...no one cared about these people. So that's why they haven't come back.

Simmons: I... don't think caring is part of it at all, Caboose.

Caboose: Well, Simmons, here's what I've learned. We care about Church: he comes back, every time. That's how it works, then.

Simmons: I don't know, Caboose. That's an interesting theory, but I wouldn't put too much weight on it. Most times when you die, you die! It doesn't matter how much someone likes you, or how little, or how not at all, you know, even after being friends for years and years...

Caboose: You're thinking about Grif.

Simmons: No! I'm thinking about how what you said is wrong! Scientifically speaking!

Caboose: Here's your science, Simmons: Dead friend + love = Church.

Beat.

Simmons: That's...math...I guess?

Caboose: Alright, so wait...if you're not scared of ghosts, what are you so scared of?

Simmons: Nothing!...and snakes.

Caboose: ...snakes?

Simmons: Let me break it down for you, Caboose. This is a big city. So many places for snakes to hide. They could be everywhere all around us. Watching us... licking their snake lips...

Caboose: ...snakes.

Simmons: WHAT!? WHERE?!

Over with Ash.

Ash is looking down to a skeleton.

Ash sighs and he continues walking.

Xi appears on his shoulder and glitches a few times. "Lot of death in this place."

"Yeah... Sometimes I wonder if I could have prevented something like this if Minne didn't die back on Sidewinder." Ash states

Xi looks up to him for a few seconds then looks forward.

"How's the little project of yours?" Ash asks Xi.

"I've made progress." Xi says. "Want to see?"

Ash nods.

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Xi takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.

Xi flashes a few different colors and then suddenly she disappears.

"Xi?"

Suddenly a familiar green A.I. appears.

"Through many failures Xi managed to form two of us." Xi-Delta states.

Delta disappears. and a purple A.I. appears.

"Now she's not alone." Xi-Theta states. "Though she's sad she can't bring Epsilon back."

Theta disappears and Xi reappears and she's laying on her side, propping herself up with her arm.

"But it takes a lot of effort to do just those two, well for right now at least." Xi states and she sits criss cross. 

"I'm glad that you've learned how to do it."

"Well, I didn't exactly learn how to do it. It was more of Epsilon giving me a copy of his memories and showing me how to do it." Xi stands up. "I'm just glad that I can do it in my current state."

"You probably should take a rest now." Ash says.

"Right." Xi disappears. 

Ash is silent as he keeps walking. "This place is kinda spooky."

In the background a crimson soldier is watching Ash.

Tucker walks down another hallway as more ominous music plays. Something runs by in the background. He notices and turns around.

Tucker: Huh? Who's there?

At the bottom of a ramp, there is a shadow, which disappears as Tucker walks by in the foreground. He runs back to see where it was.

Tucker: Stop it!

In a rapid shot straight out of the Evil Dead series, the camera zooms through the hallways of the abandoned city, and eventually heads straight for Tucker.

Just as it reaches him, Tucker whips out his arm and curtain slams it straight into Jax, knocking him to the ground.

Cut to Dylan at the relay.

Tucker: (on radio) Tucker to Dylan! Over!

Dylan: Find anything?

Tucker stands over Jax.

Tucker: Yeah... your cameraman just tried to spook me.

Dylan: (annoyed) ...is he still alive?

Jax: (like Ash Williams) Groovy...

Tucker: Unfortunately, yes. How's everything on your end?

Dylan: My AI just finished up its search. We were successful in tracing the signal back a step. We have the next location. A desert planet called Armada 8.

Tucker: Sounds like a shitty motel. Okay, I'm calling off the search. Let's all just meet up at the ship and get out of here!

TUCKER's radio suddenly plays static.

Caboose: (on radio) Ah, who are you?! Ah, you're killin' me!

Tucker: Caboose! What's going on?!

Tucker starts to run with Jax following behind.

Caboose: (still over radio) Ahhhhhh...! I am dead!

Tucker: (panicked) No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Tucker and Jax come to a clearing where we see someone's leg standing on a ledge. Dylan runs up to them, then follows their gaze.

Standing above the bodies of Simmons, Sarge, and Caboose is the FOTUS Soldier from Blood Gulch and Sidewinder, followed by an eerie scream

FOTUS Soldier: Are you Lavernius Tucker?

Ominous and overdone thunderclap.

Ash runs up behind the group and notices the soldier.

"Wow, he's kinda creepy." Ash says.

"What did you do?!" Tucker yells to the soldier. 

"Oh, look, it's that guy!" Jax says.

"I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch!"

FOTUS Soldier: Lavernius Tucker...

Tucker: That's gonna to be the last fuckin' name you ever say!

TUCKER draws out his Great Key.

Tucker: Now come get some!

FOTUS Soldier: ... ...No violence. I am not here to fight.

Tucker: You should've thought of that before you hurt my friends!

Beat.

FOTUS Soldier I did not touch them.

Tucker: Yeah right, you expect me to believe you just found them like this!?

FOTUS Soldier: ... ...Yes, that is as it happened. That one, I found sleeping here.

Sure enough, Sarge is just sleep.

Sarge: (mumbling) ...get Lopez deported...

Simmmons is on the ground near a small snake.

FOTUS Soldier: Then that one, saw a small snake and fainted.

The snake hisses.

FOTUS Soldier: Then, that one, I believe is... playing dead?

Caboose is still alive.

Caboose: Is the bad man gone yet?

FOTUS Soldier I did not come here to hurt anyone. I only came to serve.

Tucker Who do you... serve?

FOTUS Soldier: I serve Lavernius Tucker. Are you he?

Tucker: ... ...Oh, did Chorus send you?

FOTUS Soldier: Yes.

Tucker: Oh-oh awesome! I saved their planet, so they sent me a servant! This is the best! My own personal badass bodyguard manservant.

FOTUS Soldier: So you are Tucker?

Tucker: Fuck, yes I am!

The FOTUS Soldier jumps down and then gives Tucker a file.

FOTUS Soldier: You've been served.

Tucker: What the fuck...?

FOTUS Soldier: Child support payments.

Tucker: Ah, no dude, Junior's got a basketball scholarship. Who's the damn mom?

FOTUS Soldier: It's a class-action lawsuit...

Tucker: Shit...!

FOTUS Soldier: ...from a collection of new mothers of Chorus. They are demanding recompense, for the sons and daughters you sired before you fled.

Tucker: ...The temple...?... Oh no...! The Temple...! Why did I do it...!? It was so good... I didn't mean to... I meant to... I want to... I didn't mean to...!

FOTUS Soldier: Intention is no matter. Only consequence has true form.

Ash turns to Tucker. "Well, I guess I do owe you fifty bucks."

Dylan: That is not how I saw this going...

Jax: So that's it. He just gives him a paper and walks away? No fight scene, no car chase, no gun battle, no, jump kicks? Lame...

Tucker: No! No...!

FOTUS Soldier: (pleasantly) Fare thee well, to thee all. You will nay see me again unless in service of the court. My name is Spencer Porkinsenson, and I live to serve!

He blasts off.

Tucker: (overdramatic) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!!!!!

A 70s TV show-like opening suddenly plays for a show called "The Process Server," showing various clips of Spencer throughout his appearances in the series, apparently starring him.

It is then revealed to be playing on a computer on Dylan's ship, with Dylan and Jax watching.

Spencer: (soundbite on the computer) And I live to serve!

Jax: So, constructive feedback. I'm thinking about pitching this to some networks when we get back.

Dylan: How did you get him to sign a release form?

Beat.

Jax: A-what now?

Simmons: (over intercom) Everybody strapped in and ready for liftoff?

A distressed Tucker lies on a slab in the foreground, exhausted. He lets out an exasperated sigh.

Tucker: Who cares? We're wasting our freaking time. Grif was right. We're never gonna find anything on this stupid trip.

The ship takes off over the planet. The camera then pans down to the RED SOLDIER that looks like SARGE, watching them leave.

Red Soldier: Surge to HQ. Surge to HQ.

A Crimson soldier walks over to Surge.

Voice on radio: HQ here. Status?

We cut to a desert box canyon in the middle of nowhere. Familiar, yet somehow different.

Surge: (radio) Sensors pulled through. It's them alright. Tangos are Oscar Mike.

Voice on radio: Copy.

We cut to the top of a base, where the Fake Reds and Blues are standing.

Blue Leader: Get back here on the double. I wouldn't want you missing out on the party. Temple out.

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07-30-2022

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