Chapter 266: True Colors

Cut to an overhead view of Caboose talking as Loco works on his device.

Caboose: ...Yeah, so I was in the middle of a story and then our ship crashed and Washington said we were marooned, but everyone looked like their normal colors to me, so I think he probably just had a concussion.

Loco: (off-screen) Whoa...! This story is so awesome!

Caboose: Yeah, and then I found Freckles... did you find any double A batteries?

Loco appears form behind the machine.

Loco: I asked. heh Sorry... no luck. Then what happened on singing planet?

Caboose: Yeah, well, then these pirates showed up.

Loco: Pirates!? No... way...! Did they have a lot of peg-legs?

Caboose: No, but one had a shark for a face.

Loco: (beat) ...This is the best story in the history of stories... Why were the pirates there?

Caboose: I'm pretty sure they were there after Tucker's family jewels. Cause, ya know, he's always talking about how valuable they are and how everyone badly wants them... so it makes sense.

Loco: They didn't get them though, right?! I hope there's a happy ending...

Caboose: Yeah, well this company called "Shargon Infinity" showed up, and made all of Freckles' brothers and sisters like... like super bitchy. And then of course Church had to die to save us all.

Loco: (beat) Your best friend died...?

Caboose: No, it's okay. It happens all the time.

Loco: That-that-that-that is the saddest ending ever.

Caboose: Yeah, that is why we are all going to go rescue him.

Loco: ...Right. You should be able to see your best friend. Maybe I can help! Hmm... what if I could show you a door?

Caboose: Ah, you want me to leave now.

Loco: No! I-it's not a "door" door. It's a DOOOOR. Doors go to places, but, not all doors. (whispering) This would be a special door.

Caboose: Aaaaah, so like a window.

Loco: ...eh-

Caboose: -but... with longer.

Loco: No, not really.

Caboose: Ah, so like a sunroof.

Loco: Eeeeehhhh... no.

Caboose: Aaaahhh...! Yes, like a metaphor! Only I can walk through it.

Loco: Kind of warm, but that's not really what I had in mind.

Caboose: A metaphor for love!

Loco: No!

Caboose: -that would take me, through a journey! Where I will learn a lesson!

Loco: Eh... colder.

Caboose: And there will be a payoff... and everyone would love me!

Loco: Yes! That's it! Except, not at all.

Caboose: Wher-wher-where would it- where- Wha-wha-where would it go...?

Loco: Getting warmer... Uh-It's not about "where". See, once the quantum matrix synchronizes with the nano-chrono-meters, the entire wormhole will resonate backwards. Then, we just need trajectories.

Caboose: Aaah, words. Yes, you're pretty smart, aren't you?

Loco: Ehh... I just, kind of, imagine things, and, build what I see.

Caboose: Ah, so you didn't go, to, school for any of this?

Loco walks behind the machine.

Loco: No, actually, I was raised by wolves... in the forest. heh They were much more into homeschooling.

Loco starts drilling the machine, and Caboose looks to the side of the room in thought.

Cut to Sarge laying on a couch.

Sarge: Well... that's a hard question you asked there my friend. Don't rightly know what it is I'm feeling at the moment. I suppose... old.

Lopez is standing in the middle of the room.

Lopez: Realmente no quiero escuchar esto. [I really don't want to hear this.]

Sarge: heh heh Well, I know I still look like a spring chicken, cluck-cluck. ha ha ha But I'm actually more like a rooster... who's lost his teeth. I don't rightly know how many more choices I have... to go out in a heroic blaze of glory.

Lopez: Por favor alto. [Please stop.]

Sarge: You don't need to remind me. Sarge's war on gravity. Sarge's war on whites! It's all hogwash, Lopez, hogwash I tell ya! But I'm a soldier, and soldier's need conflict, orders, a chain of command. Now these Blues and Reds come along and offer me everything? It's almost too good to be true...

Lopez: ¿Por qué no tomar golf? ¿O ganchillo? ¿O un segundo idioma? [Why not just take up golf? Or crochet? (slowly) Or a second language?]

Simmons sighs off screen.

Cut to Simmons laying on a coach.

Simmons: Yeah, you're right... I thought I was looking for someone like me, but... now I don't know what to think. Ya know, maybe friends are like magnets after all. I was so mad at him for so long, but now I don't know. I mostly feel... regret? Like, is he MC Skat Kat and I'm Paula Abdul?

Lopez: ¿Por qué, de todos los tiempos, son idiotas eligiendo hablar conmigo ahora? [Why, of all times, are you idiots choosing to talk to me now?]

Sarge: You know, Lopez. That is a fantastic point! An opportunity like this is a rare thing indeed! Like they say, don't go staring a gift horse in the mouth. Or a Trojan horse in the butt. Hopeless odds, sneak attacks, field promotions...?! This is a dream come true...!

Sarge stands up from the couch.

Sarge: I know what I have to do, and that... is to be a soldier, damn it! YOLO!

Lopez: ¿Por qué no podría haber nacido Roomba? [Why couldn't I have been born a Roomba?]

Donut: (offscreen) How does it make me feel? Weeeeell...

Cut to Donut laying on a couch next to Simmons.

Donut: Sometimes I feel like people barely acknowledge my presence. (sadly) I'm like a... fabulous ghost...

Tucker storms into the room.

Tucker: Yo, what the fuck are you Reds doing?! We scheduled a secret meeting, and you're all taking naps?

Simmons: Well, Tucker, maybe I was feeling... lazy...?

Tucker: Are you... Are you "grif-ing" me right now? Is he "grif-ing" me right now?

Donut: Oh, NOW you wanna talk to me!?

Cut to giant fish swimming beside the Blues and Reds' base.

Tucker: Okay, guys. Listen up. Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, but I've put a lot of thought into our current situation and I've come to the conclusion... that something weird might be going on around here.

Cut to Lopez, Caboose, Tucker, Simmons, Donut, and Doc huddled together.

Lopez: No mierda, Sherlock. [No shit, Sherlock.]

Doc: Really? I dunno. Everything seems perfectly normal to me.

Tucker: If everything's normal, then where the heck are Carolina, Ash, and Wash?

Simmons: Huh... Gene said they went out this morning to buy shoelaces. And there was a really long pause before he finally said "shoelaces". And we're wearing... boots.

Tucker: That's suspicious.

Lopez: Brillante deduccion. [Brilliant deduction.]

Simmons: Well, I definitely don't trust that Gene guy. Anyone who's acting that squeaky clean must have some deep dark secrets.

Tucker: Dylan was the only one looking into this, and I haven't seen her since.

Donut: Oh, the reporter? She's tied up in the basement!

Tucker: She's WHAT?!

Donut: She's tied up. I saw her while Cronut was showing me his fur-suits.

Simmons: Wait, are you serious?! Why the hell didn't you say something sooner?!

Donut: I didn't know you cared...! See, Cronut's more of a fox, while I'm naturally a wolf.

Tucker: Not the fur-suits, Donut. The reporter!

Donut: Who knows what she's into? I'm not a kink-shamer!

Doc: Don't worry about her. Heard she and Jax are just remaking Pulp Fiction. That's all.

Tucker: Hmm. What about you, Caboose? You're spending all your time with Loco. Any idea what the heck he's building?

Caboose: Uuuuh-um, it's a door, and a laser. Y'know, sometimes he starts explaining it but then he starts-he starts-he starts laughing, and keeps laughing, and-

Caboose mimics Loco's evil laughter.

Caboose: Y'know, it's a metaphor.

Tucker: That is, suspicious, as fuck.

Doc: But, guys-

Tucker: No! That's the last straw. I hate to even suggest this, but it's time we found out if the Blues and Reds are actually, bad guys.

Simmons: But, how?

Tucker: Subtlety, my dear Simmons. Subtlety.

Simmons: Not exactly our specialty, is it?

Tucker: Watch and learn.

Cut to the Reds and Blues facing the Blues and Reds.

Tucker: Are you bad guys?

Temple: Well, that's all a matter of perspective, isn't it Tucker?

Tucker: Ha! Gotcha! That's exactly the kind of things bad guys say! Oh, holy shit. You're really bad guys, aren't you?

Temple: No. What we're doing is right, Tucker. I thought you would see that by now. We are simply planning revenge on those who used us. Those who turned us into training dummies for super soldier target practice!

Simmons: Project Freelancer.

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Tucker: We already dealt with them, if you didn't get the memo.

Temple: (laughs) No. You're wrong about that. Everyone in this room was drafted or volunteered to fight for the UNSC. They sold us to Project Freelancer like cattle. They used us, they destroyed our lives, and they haven't been made to pay for what they've done. Don't you give a shit about that?!

Simmons: Meh... Water under the bridge.

Sarge: Men, don't you see this for what it is? It's an opportunity to fight a war we can't possibly win! It's everything we've always wanted!

Tucker: Is it a pair of Scandinavian twin sisters in a waterbed? Cause otherwise, no it ain't.

Bucky: Boom chicka wah-

Tucker: Shut up! Listen, Temple. You obviously love the sound of your own voice, so why don't you use it to tell its where the fuck our friends are?

Temple: You all have such an... interesting choice of "friends", don't you? Your Freelancer buddies are killers, and we're dealing with them appropriately - for our own safety.

Tucker: Oh, you backstabbing son of a bitch!

Temple: Backstabbing?! Take a look in the mirror! Your teams were used and beat up by Freelancers, same as us, and you make friends with them! Your teams were used and sold by the UNSC, same as us, and you posed for their fucking photo ops! You're the traitors! You're the villains, you fucking cockbites!

Tucker: Shut the fuck up, and prepare to eat sword!

Loco: Hey, why is everyone fighting?! I thought we were friends!

Temple: Sorry Tucker, but I can't let you kill me. I still have important business on Earth.

Tucker: Don't give a fuck. I'm going to kill you so hard... you'll wish you were dead.

Tucker activates his energy sword. The Blues and Reds aim their guns.

Temple: Ah-Hold your fire. Let's try... the easy way first.

Sarge: Simmons, Lopez. For the sake of their own safety, I order you to take the Blues under arrest.

Simmons: W-wwhat...?

Tucker: Stand your ground. We saved Chorus. We shut down Freelancer. We can handle a handful of Sim trooper clowns.

Temple: *laughs* You can't win. We're stronger than you. Just give in.

Tucker: Yeah. You and what army?

Temple: So glad you asked.

Surge: Reds assemble! Blues deploy!

[trumpets play as the Zealots enter]

Grunts: Glory! Our day of victory draws near! Surrender now or face our holy vengeance!

Simmons: God damn it. Every time we say that, they always end up having an army!

Tucker: Son of a bitch.

Temple: As you can see we haven't just been tracking down Freelancers. You know, your teams, ironically, are the only Reds and Blues left who have yet to join us. You know, I truly did admire you all once, so I'll offer you one final chance.

Doc leaves the Reds and Blues to join Temple.

Tucker: The fuck are you doing, Doc...?!

Doc: Give it up, Tucker.

Tucker: What?! Doc! We've been through so much!

Doc: We sure have! You guys used me as a bargaining chip in Blood Gulch, before you got bored and cast me out to live in a cave! Then you left me to the mercy of the Meta, then you abandoned me in Valhalla, then you didn't even notice when I got sucked into another dimension on Chorus, and *O'Malley's voice* nearly lost my *coughs* sorry, something in my throat - nearly lost my mind.

Simmons: No way, when did that happen?

Doc: My point exactly! You guys treat me like a leper. Just hoping some time in the brig might teach you some manners.

Tucker: Fuck it. I don't need any of you.

Gun cock, Simmons is pointing his gun at Tucker.

Simmons: Drop it, Tucker.

Tucker: Ah, goddammit. I thought you were Simmons again.

Simmons: I am Simmons. Drop the gun.

Gun cock, Caboose is pointing his gun too

Tucker: Caboose?! What the fuck?!

Caboose: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this just something we're not all doing now?

Red grunt: GG everybody, GG.

The Reds and Blues are now being taken away, Surge in front of them and Sarge behind them.

Tucker: You assholes are un-fucking-believable...!

Sarge: Quiet prisoner.

Tucker: We fought alongside each other for fucking years. How can you just turn your backs on us like this?

Sarge: It's like Temple said. You're turning your back on us! We've got a war to win, Blue, and until you're ready to play ball, we're sticking you in the dugout! Only this dugout's got steel bars, and a toilet in plain view of everyone.

Simmons: Yeah-ha, that's right.

Tucker: You, Simmons. You're the worst of all. Didn't you hear a word in there?

Simmons: I only heard my orders, you dirty Blue.

Sarge [to Surge]: Did I ever tell you about the time I got recruited to join the ODST?

Simmons: Psst.

Tucker: Psst yourself.

Simmons: No, psst, Tucker, I'm still a good guy I'm just acting bad.

Tucker: Wait, really?

Simmons: Yeah dude, those people are evil as fuck. I figured our chance of escape would be better if I played along.

Tucker: Ohhhhh... Great idea.

Caboose: Oh yeah! Uh-We're pretending we're the bad guy until you give us... the signal. Simmons, you are so smart.

Sarge: Say what now?

Surge: What did he say?

Simmons: (angrily) Ugh... Caboose!

Caboose: Is-that-the-sig-nal...?

Elevator dings.

Simmons: Run!

The Reds and Blues run through another corridor

Sarge: Where are you guys going? The dugout's the other way!

Tucker: Quick, in here!

Once all pass through, Tucker closes a door in front of Sarge and Surge.

Tucker: Dammit, there's no lock!

Simmons shoots the control panel

Caboose: Hooray, we are trapped!

Tucker: Fuck, dead end.

Simmons: Great idea ducking in here!

Tucker: We didn't have a choice, asshole!

Sarge: Hey! I order you idiots to open this door!

Simmons: You don't get to give orders if you're on the bad guys' side!

Sarge: Damn. I didn't consider that.

Tucker: Ah, we're screwed!

Simmons: Let's just think about this, Tucker. There's gotta be something we can use.

Caboose: Gah. Yeah, like if there was only something that happened to be behind all these torpedoes!

Simmons: Torpedoes? Holy shit, torpedoes! Long range, too - they must be the Base's defenses!

A blowtorch is starting to burn through the door

Lopez: Bueno, esto sente bien familiar. [Well this feels familiar.]

Tucker: Oh great, so we can blow up the place. That doesn't exactly improve our situation!

Simmons: We need to call for help.

Tucker: Who're we gonna call? The fucking Ghostbusters?

Caboose: (gasp) That is a great idea! Who are those people?

Simmons: Come on, give me a hand, Tucker. We need to write a note, but I don't see anything to write on!

Caboose: Ooh...! Send me.

Simmons: (sigh) You won't fit! If we remove the warhead, we'll only have about a basketball's worth of space in here. Ugh, we're screwed!

A door has been "opened" by the blowtorches wielded by Sarge and Surge

Sarge: Freeze! Hehe, That was the most pathetic excuse for an escape that I've ever seen! Simmons, I expected better from you.

Lopez's decapitated body is sitting next to a door

Surge: What the Sam Hill did you do to your robot?

A torpedo is seen firing from the ocean, Lopez's head taped to its head.

Lopez: Mieeeeerdaaaaaa. [Shhhiiiiittt.]

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