Chapter 267: Objects in Space

Open to space, the camera showing numerous galaxies and planets. As the camera pans over a red planet with rings, Lopez speaks.

Lopez: Espacio... de la última frontera. Estos son los viajes de la Nave Espacial López. [Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Lopez. ]

The camera pans to the left to reveal Lopez's flying head.

Lopez: Es misión continua: explorar nuevos mundos extraños... buscar nueva vida y nuevas civilizaciones... [It's continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds... to seek out new life and new civilizations...]

The camera pans around to the back of Lopez's head.

Lopez: Para ir audazmente donde ningún robot ha ido antes. [To boldly go where no robot has gone before.]

Lopez's head takes off like a spaceship as mock movie credits roll. Lopez's head is abruptly abducted.

Lopez: ¿Que? [What the?]

Cut to Lopez's head being dropped on the floor of a ship.

Lopez: ¿Que esta pasando? ¿Quién está ahí? [What's going on? Who's there?]

Locus decloaks behind him.

Lopez: Ayuda. [Help.]

Cut to various scenes of the place the Reds and Blues were at before leaving for Church.

Grif: Listen, Simmons. Shh. I got... some things to say. To you. Some things that I gotta get off my chest buddy! (whispering to himself) Buddy? Nah. Not buddy. Stupid. Friend? Friend. No, friend! Definitely friend. (back to regular tone) Anyway! I've had a bit of time to think about some things. Lots of time actually. Oodles of time! Oodles of buckets of times of time. Tiempo de Mucho. Mucho de Tiempo! Now, listen, Simmons. (to himself, again) Sim-mons. Sim- Cinnamon. Similaria- Gaah! Focus, Grif! (back to Simmons) Now, things ended really bad out there, buddy, (to himself) no, friend! (back to Simmons) and I've been thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I need to tell you that I am super duper- uh, I am so incredibly--

Cut to a volleyball, with Simmons's helmet poorly drawn onto it. Supposedly gold aluminum taped on for the visor.

Grif, in a mock-Simmons voice: Hungry? You're hungry, aren't you?

Cut back to Grif.

Grif: No, Simmons, I'm not hungry! That's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say, is that I'm-

Volleyball Simmons: Thirsty? Glug glug.

Grif: No! What I am trying to say is that I am incredibly-

Cut to another volleyball, this time with Sarge's helmet.

Grif, in a mock-Sarge voice: Lazy? Good-for-nothin'? Waste of fatty tissue and brain cells?

Grif: Not now, Sarge! I'm trying to talk to Simmons. It's important.

Volleyball Sarge: Not as important as your job, Grif! Y'know you're supposed to be on... guard duty, ahurk-ahurk-ahurr.

Grif: Sarge, we've covered this. Technically, I am on break.

Volleyball Sarge: It's not every week that Command sees fit to send us the latest'n'greatest in invisible hover-tank technology, Grif! Instead'a guardin' it, you're over there playin' grab-ass with Private Dick Simmons!

Grif: I'm sure the tank is fine. It's not like it's gonna disappear.

Another volleyball has Ash's helmet drawn on it.

"Just blow it up." Volleyball Ash says.

"That's your idea for everything, Ash." Grif says to the volleyball.

Cut to a plot of grass mowed to look like a tank.

Volleyball Sarge: Nothin' here. Just like the inside-a that thick skull'a yours! Knock-knock, nobody's home.

Grif: Why are you blaming me? I left Donut and Lopez in charge!

Cut to Donut and Lopez vollyballs, right next to each other.

Grif, in a mock-Lopez voice: No vi nada, es la culpa de Grif. [I didn't see anything, it's Grif's fault.]

Grif, in a mock-Donut voice: I was in my bunk, giving myself a facial! Hee-hee-hee-hee! Entendre!

Volleyball Sarge: I can't tell you how disappointed I am in you Grif! But I'll try. I just finished swappin' out the headlight fluid n' convertin' the breaks to diesel! It was a finely tuned callback-killin' machine, and yooouu lost it!

Grif: I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault! Stop blaming me! I was busy! Busy, busy, busy! Busy as a bee, busy busy bee body! Body bee busy!

Volleyball Sarge: Ruinin' everything, like always n' forever!

Volleyball Simmons: I have an idea, let's make a likely list of suspects. Somebody obviously stole the tank.

Grif: C'mon guys, we know who did it. Let's just skip to Act Three.

Cut to two more volleyballs on a wall, backs showing.

Grif: Hey! We know you assholes stole our tank! Now you gotta give it back!

Camera reveals the volleyballs are Tucker and Caboose.

Grif, in a mock-Tucker voice: Look who finally showed up. You're too late Grif. It's over.

Grif: What's over?

Grif, in a mock-Caboose voice: He's dead! My best friend is dead! Purple-pineapple-random nonsense! Blahghahaha.

Cut to a deflating Church volleyball.

Volleyball Tucker: You were supposed to bring the air pump, Grif. Now I have gonorrhea and a dead friend.

Volleyball Caboose: You promised!

Grif: Oh, I- I forgot...! I'm- Oh, Caboose. Uh, uh, I can go get it right now! Maybe it's not too late!

Volleyball Caboose: It's too late! It's over! I'm sad now, and forever! There's nothing you can do about it, kangaroo banana kangaroo! My heart's in a pouch!

Grif: No, no, no, no, no! Not again! This is not gonna happen again! Now listen, everyone. I got a thing. I gotta say it. I'm like, super, duper, spectacularly s--

Volleyball Tucker: Selfish?

Volleyball Sarge: Useless!

Volleyball Donut: Repressed!

Volleyball Simmons: Fat!

"Retarded." Volleyball Ash says.

Grif: Shut up and listen to me! Everyone, I am so, so...

Locus: Completely insane.

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Cut to reveal a ship. Locus decloaks, walking towards Grif.

Locus: I would know.

Grif: L-L-L-Locus!? No! Aw, fuck! You're not really real, right? I mean, I'm just hallucinating?

Locus: You're not hallucinating.

Grif: Then you're here to kill me!?

Locus: I'm not here to kill you either.

Grif: No. That's bullshit, dude. You are like, death personified.

Locus: Grif!

Grif, stepping back: Huah! Fuck, your voice is still so scary!

Locus drops Lopez's head onto the floor.

Locus: If even half of what this robot says is true, then you're going to need my help to save your friends.

Cut to Grif and Locus, on Locus's ship, Grif touching Locus's face.

Locus: Stop. Touching. My face.

Grif backs away from Locus.

Grif: Aw fuck, you are real!

Locus: We've been over this. I'm real, and I'm here to help. Assuming you've still got any sanity left in that helmet of yours.

Grif: Aw, I'm sane as a fiddle! I've got oodles in me, just ask Doc!

Camera cuts to the volleyballs Grif has made, lined Caboose, Deflated Church, Donut, Ash, then Sarge, Simmons and Tucker.

Grif: Huh. Where'd he go? Well, that's Doc for ya! Am I right?

Locus: Hmm...

Grif: Wait, the gang's in trouble? (fast-talking) How did you find out? Did you see them? Did you talk to them? Did you touch Simmons? How's Simmons? Did he talk to you?

The camera cuts to Locus, silent, before cutting back to Grif.

Grif: (fast-talking) What have you been doing lately? What happened to the X on your helmet? Did you see Sarge? Are my friends okay? Is Sarge dead? Are my friends okay?

Locus: I don't have all the information, I only know what the robot told me.

Grif turns to Lopez, who's head is resting on a table on the ship.

Grif: Lopez, todo el mundo está bien? [Lopez, is everyone okay?]

Lopez: Sí, por ahora. ¡Espere! Tu hablas- [Yes, for now. Wait! You speak-]

Grif: Fantástic, temí lo peor semanas! Y Simmons, ¿cómo está mi amigo marrón?[Fantastic, I feared the worst for weeks! And Simmons, how's my maroon friend?]

Lopez: Bueno. En problemas, pero por lo demás saludable. [Good. In trouble, but otherwise well.]

Locus: I wasn't aware you were bilingual.

Grif: Huh. I had to learn. For Lopez's lines!

Locus: You have had a lot of time on your hands.

Grif: Buckets! Oodles! Oodles of noodles and toaster strudels! Tiempo de Mucho. Mucho de Tiempo! Fifteen seasons!

Locus: Focus.

Grif: Right! We should go! We should go help the guys!

Locus: We should. My ship is ready. Just so you're aware, we're likely in for a fight.

Grif: Then there's no time to waste! Oh, wait.

Camera pans to the volleyballs again.

Grif: I can bring the gang, right?

Locus: Absolutely not.

Cut to Locus and Grif, cramped in Locus's ship with Grif's various volleyballs surrounding them.

Grif: (fast-talking) This is exciting! Do you still have that sword? Are you a good guy now? Aren't best friends awesome? Do you ever miss Felix? Hey! I'm orange, just like your last partner! Cool ship by the way, I bet that's an awesome side-story. Does it have a name? How about the Locus Pocus? I hope everyone doesn't hate me. Do you ever worry about people hating you? I don't!

Locus: I don't remember you being... like this.

Grif: (fast-talking) Yeah, well, I don't remember you being anything but a huge dick, but here you are being cool, so people change. How long's this trip gonna take anyway? Do you have any music? Man, it feels good to talk to somebody again. Can I be the DJ? Is there a bathroom on this ship? Can I drive? I thought I was gonna go crazy for a while there, but I'm sane as a fiddle! (low voice) How many people have you killed? (regular voice) Where did you grow up? Do you ever get lonely?

Locus: Please, stop talking.

Grif: (fast-talking) You got any brothers and sisters? Did you kill any of your brothers and sisters? Do you have issues sharing? Can I drive?

Cut to the ship taking off.

Grif: (off-screen) Do you ever eat Migas? I love Migas! Queso, am I right? Are you a cat person, or a dog person?

Cut back to Grif and Locus inside the ship. Suspenseful music starts playing, almost as if something were going to happen.

Grif: (fast-talking) Have you ever tried growing a mustache on the inside or the outside of your helmet?

Locus: Grif.

Grif: (fast-talking) Can I drive? Do you think the gang found Church? Do you ever go to church? Are you religious at all? I'm agnostic. Hey, do you want to stop for a pizza? I bet the guys are hungry. We should bring them a pizza! Pepperoni? No, sausage! Everybody likes mushrooms. What's your favorite pizza place? I like Sammie's  over in Ithaca.

Locus: This is going to be a long trip, isn't it?

Grif: I hope so! We have a lot of catching up to do, partner. Speaking of which, why are you helping us anyway?

Locus: It's a long story. But mainly, it's the right thing to do.

Grif: Turning over a new fucking leaf! Dude, I am all about it! It's a new beginning for both of us! Just so you know, though, doing the right thing usually, totally sucks.

Locus: I am acutely aware of that at the moment.

Grif: So. How do you feel about Cloud Atlas?

A few seconds of silence before the screen goes black.

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08-01-2022

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