Chapter 268: Grif Does a Rescue

Cue Sarge walking up to Temple. Temple is on his computer.

Sarge: You uh... wanted to see me sir?

Temple: Just one second.. [whispered] God damn fuckin' pop-ups. If I find out Buckey's been downloading porn again I'm going to flush him out the pressure lock. Sarge. I thought we should catch up.

Sarge: If it's about Simmons, sir, I've-I've already given him a stern talking to. Perhaps in a few days, we can give him another chance.

Temple: Yeah, that's not happening. There's.. there's just no time! You understand. Our machine is finished, and it's time to see if it works.

Sarge: Mmph.. understood.

Temple: Sarge, I really called you in here because.. I wanted to see how you were holding up. I-I can only imagine, this must be a.. really difficult time for you.

Sarge grunts.

Temple: Speak freely, Sarge, please!

Sarge: Well, it ain't been no cakewalk! But I didn't reach the rank of Colonel by only following the orders I liked.

Temple: Gah, you an inspiration to us all. Which brings me to my point; I'm promoting you!

Sarge: Oh, really?

Temple: The warhead will need loyal and capable leaders. If I had a dozen like you, Sarge, the UNSC wouldn't stand a chance!

Sarge: You can count on me, sir! Does that mean.. Am I a..?

Temple: That's right! Super Colonel!

Sarge: Super Colonel Sarge! Ha-ha! Boy, that rings like a bell, don't it?

Temple: Sure does.

Surge walks up to the two, laughing.

Surge: Temple! You need to come see this.

Temple: What is it?

Surge: We have an intruder.

Temple: What!? Why haven't you sounded the alarm!?

Surge: [laughing] It's not that kind of situation, sir.

Cue footage of Grif sneaking around the base, crouching.

Temple is watching the footage, along with Surge, Zsh, Buckey, Cronut, Sarge, and Gene.

Temple: Biff?

Sarge: Nah, I'd know that pudgy, out-of-breath waddle anywhere! That's Grif!

Temple: How long has he been at it?

Surge: A while. He's been goin' 'round in circles. [laughs]

Buckey: The hell is he thinking?

Cue to Grif, sneaking around the base, crouching.

Grif: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers! Dun-dun-dun-dunnana. Kssh. Uh, this is Snake to Big Boss. No sign of surveillance. Kssh.

Grif walks next to a table with Fish on it, a Metal Gear Solid noise plays as an exclamation mark appears above his head and he turns to it.

Grif: Hello there!

Cue back to the Blues and Reds + Sarge.

Gene: What the hell is he doing now?

Sarge: Snacking. It's amazing he's made it this long!

Temple: Some rescue.

Cronut: He's going for the vent! [shudders] That's gonna be a tight fit.

Temple: Alright, alright, someone butter him up and pull his fat ass out of there.

Sarge: You gotta use something other than butter, though. Otherwise, he'll just lick it off.

Cue to Tucker, Caboose, and Simmons, imprisoned in their cells. Temple and Loco walk in.

Temple: Howdy everyone! How are our fine guests doing?

Tucker: Fuck you.

Temple: Charming. Well, gang, I thought we should have a little chat before I bid my final adieu. After all, our business together isn't quite finished, is it?

Tucker: You're god damn right it's not.

Temple: Let's try and be civil, okay, we're all adults here. Age-wise, at least.

Simmons: Oh-ho, if you think for one second that you're gonna get away with this--

Temple: Aw, still holding out hope for that last-minute rescue? Don't.

Temple backs up as Buckey brings out Grif.

Simmons: Grif!?

Grif: Simmons!

Tucker: Grif.

Caboose: Simmons! I mean Gri- y'know, is it a bad time to tell you I'm colorblind?

Simmons: You got my message!

Grif: I did! Oh, guys, there's so much I need to tell you!

Temple: It can wait.

Grif: No! Not another minute! I'm sick of waiting. I am sorry! Everyone, Simmons, I'm sorry I left like that. Tucker, I'm sorry I didn't come with--

Temple: Shut up, please.

Grif: Caboose, I'm sorry I didn't help you find Church. That makes me a bad friend.

Caboose: It's okay! I know he's still out there.

Temple laughs.

Temple: Really? You think so?

Tucker: Stop it.

Temple: But I don't want to. Caboose, would you like to hear Church's full message? We got the whole recording right here. He talks about you.

Caboose: Really?

Temple: Play it, Loco.

Loco plays the message over the speakers. A beep is heard.

Robotic voice: Playing archived message from Blood Gulch Outpost.

Two more beeps.

Church: Control! Control, do you read? This is Church from Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, over. If you're getting this it's an emergency! You've gotta send a plumber as soon as you get this, please! Tucker and Caboose—eugh—they flushed a damn grenade down the shitter and it exploded! And it's everywhere, Control! It's coming out of the god damn walls for Pete's sake. Send help please. We need—I need—a plumber. Fuck! And some god-damn new recruits too, because I'm about to murder these two! Church out.

Two beeps.

Robotic voice: End message.

Temple: It's crazy what you can do with editing software these days. What's the matter, Tucker? Cat got your tongue? I'm curious; do you all remember that? Granted it happened a long time ago in a Gulch far, far away, but still, it must've been a memorable episode.

Caboose: I-I don't get it is he-is he back in Blood Gulch?

Temple: No, god damnit. We. Lied. To. You. He's dead.

Caboose: ... ...For now.

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Temple: [angry] No! Forever! How fucking stupid are you?!

Grif: Christ, man, lay off! *He turns to Simmons.* "Xi's gonna be so mad."

Temple: What-the-fuck-ever, he's an adult, okay. Maybe if you all didn't treat him like some big baby, he would understand something as simple as "death". As "dying" and being gone "for-e-ver".

Tucker: I'll give him a real-world example if you unlock this fucking cell!

Temple: Oh-ho-ho, woah! Great plan! I'mma hop right on that!

Caboose: So you changed his message so we would come looking for you?

Temple: Bingo. Thank you. I had help, of course. Loco's the one who did the scrambling.

Loco: Look-a-we-wha-see, what happened-um, we can still be friends!

Temple: No, you can't. This is goodbye. We are leaving. Onward, to victorrry! Adieu, adieu, farewell.

Temple and Loco walk out.

Temple: [under his breath] Heh heh, nailed it.

Buckey: Hey, Tucker! Thanks for the sword, bro!

Tucker: It won't work for you, asshole.

Buckey: It's still got uses. I think your mom will love it, if you know what I mean. A-boom-chicka-wah-wah.

Buckey laughs as he walks out.

Cue Sarge and Surge walking, they run into Temple, who's also walking.

Sarge: What was all that about?

Temple: Oh, not much. Went in to offer our guests every comfort and they chewed me out. But we'll treat them well, Super Colonel Sarge.

Sarge: Ah, good!

Temple: Uh, I need to talk to you about something else.

Sarge: Awaiting orders, sir!

Temple and Sarge walk away. Surge is left alone.

Temple: It's about that reporter..

Cut to Tucker and Caboose in their cell.

Tucker: I'm sorry, Caboose.

Caboose: Gone-gone... Like Simmons said on Scary Planet.

Tucker: Yes.

Caboose: Forever.

Tucker: Forever.

Caboose: But--

Tucker: Sorry, Caboose. Not... this time.

Caboose: But, but... I never got to say goodbye. Or, thank you for being my friend.

Tucker: They'll pay for this... I promise. I'll make them pay...

Grif: We all will.

Tucker: You shut the fuck up Grif, you've done enough already!

Grif: Ease up dude, I did my best.

Tucker: Your best!? You fucking botched our only chance of escape!

Grif: Uh, no I didn't.

Tucker: You busted in here, made an ass of yourself, and got caught! What do you call that?!

Grif: Uh, a pretty fucking sweet diversion.

Cut to a drop of blood falling and landing in a puddle of blood with Crimson boots in the blood.

Move out to show Ash, Carolina and Wash still in armor lock.

Ash takes a few heavy breaths.

"Minne! Minne!" Carolina calls out. "Ash! Stay awake!"

"My nose really itches." Wash says.

Drip

Ash chuckles. "Y-you guys remember when I went messing for a couple weeks a couple months ago."

"Yeah."

Ash takes a labored breath. "Well, I actually didn't get trapped in a cave. I stole the pelican we had and went back to Chorus and saw Emily again."

Drip

"That explains why we didn't find the cave." Wash says in a strained voice. "God my nose."

"Me and Grey got married."

"I would be very happy for you, but I feel too sore to really be happy." Carolina states. "I'm gonna need a WEEK at the chiropractor when we get out of here."

"Well, I got a call a couple of days ago from Grey and she said she was pregnant." Ash states and he coughs a few times.

Drip

"Congratulations, Minne." Wash says.

"I... have a feeling it'll be a girl... Just a feeling." Ash says in a tired voice. "We're gonna name her Callie. To honor my sister, because-" Ash goes silent.

"Minne." Carolina says. "Stay awake, Minne!"

"But I'm so tired." Ash says. "And cold."

Drip

The blood touches the remains of Xi's A.I. chip.

"You don't get to rest, Agent Minnesota." Locus says as he decloaks. 

"Not yet." Locus finishes. 

"Well, I'm hallucinating again." Wash says. "This time it kinda looks like Locus."

"Wait... I see him too." Carolina says.

"So it's not just me." Ash says.

"This is.... awkward, isn't it?" Locus asks.

"Welllll, kinda." Ash says.

"That... depends." Carolina says.

"Are you here to kill us?" Wash asks.

Locus sighs. "I sure get that a lot."

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08-01-2022

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