Chapter 3: Away from Home, At the Lake

Going home was tough for both of them, for similar reasons. Amanda and Lance had both felt like their parents had given up on them, and it made interactions with them awkward and unbearable at points. Amanda’s parents had stopped trying to push such a rigid framework of femininity onto her. Every so often they tried to suggest something again, but she would shoot it down instantly. She had the confidence and maturity now to end conversations without fighting. It was something she had to learn growing up, as the constant bickering about wearing a dress to school or her lack of interest in any conventional ‘girl’ activities would be too much for a now teenage Amanda. As a result, her parents had started to drift away, becoming more distant. They felt if they could have their little girl be who they want, it was hard to love her just the same. They tried to hide it, but Amanda could see through it. She knew. It wasn’t hard to see either. When suddenly your parents stop taking the same interest in you as they once did, you might think there’s a new baby along the way, but with Amanda it was as if they lost their vision for their daughter, so she meant less. 

It was horrifying for Amanda to live through. Imagine being a kid and your parents seem to stop caring about you simply because you don’t want to be the picture perfect version of you they planned out long before you were born. It’s a lonely experience, and with Amanda’s struggles with attraction, it felt like she would always be alone. No boyfriend to care for her. No husband in her future to have a family with. No family who loves her. No future where she could be a mother and raise her kids in a way that made sure they always knew their mother loved them. It was really lonely, but she wasn’t entirely alone.

Two streets north, her best friend had been going through the same thing his whole life. Lance had feared it for a very long time. Whereas Amanda’s parents drifting away seemed like a sudden realization for Amanda, for Lance it was a future he had long known was coming. When it did come, he was ready. He was already living as if it was true, manifesting his own fate. He couldn't help himself. He wasn’t as confident as Amanda. He couldn’t stand up on his own. He didn’t know what he hated and why he hated it like her. At least Amanda knew why she didn’t like femininity. It wasn’t her style. She liked the masculinity that came with being a girl, that only girls can have. That fleeting feeling that he could never have. He had no idea why, but he just couldn't engage with the masculinity his Dad was pushing onto him. It was unbearable. At least Amanda could reject it, Lance never could. He didn’t go along with it, but he thought there was a difference between rejecting it like his friend had, and just running away from it. Couldn't even face his Dad like a man. Now he’s so distant, wants nothing to do with Lance. It hurts. It’s lonely. Having your parents act like you’re a disappointment because you can’t live up to expectations made when they found out what gender you would be before you were born. Lance hated it all. He longed for some escape he knew didn’t exist.

He felt alone, but he wasn’t, and he knew it. Two streets south his best friend was going through the same thing. Two friends whose only solace was in each other because their parents had treated them like disappointments and they couldn’t connect with anybody else. Amanda because she felt ostracized because of her inability to feel human attraction in the way people had always talked about. Lance because he felt a barrier between him and other people because of who he was. Nothing any of them could do about it.

They needed respite, and they found it in each other.

    They had a spot away from home where they would hang out. Where they lived there wasn’t too much hostile weather, making the outdoors a perfect place for a regular meeting place. There was a lake in their town. Wasn’t special or pretty by any standards, but it felt safe, and didn’t look too bad if you could get over the algae. 

Starting a couple years ago, maybe Grade 8 or 9, just when kids get old enough to leave the house without parental supervision, was when they had made the place a regular spot. It was nice. A bench, some grass, nearby rocks to skip in the lake. Amanda wasn’t very good at it and got frustrated every time she tried. Didn’t stop her though, everytime Lance gave it a go she tossed a rock or two before sitting down and just watching Lance. He was far better at it than she was. Taking the time to learn how to throw it. The practice to be delicate enough to get multiple skips reliably. On an early autumn night like this, the low sun created masses of colours waiting to be disturbed by the delicate throw of a rock.

It was, much like other behaviour patterns they had, another reason they got along well. Amanda could talk, and Lance could throw, and they would be happy. Far away from the worries of the world, the distance from their parents, the expectations that had crushed them for so long. Near the lake none of that matters. Only her words and his throws. 

It was clear though, that tonight, there was still something bothering the both of them. No longer was the movie on their minds, but the feelings left by it had lingered, and been triggered again and again from different sources. Amanda still struggled with envy of her other friends. Lance still struggled with the insecurity of taking up too much space. There was little room for Lance to exist. Not how he wanted, and not like he knew what he wanted regardless. It was a tough question to answer. Staring across the lake like this. What did he want to be? What did he value? Who did he want to emulate? Well, maybe emulate was the wrong word. He didn’t want to emulate somebody, even though he felt like that’s all he could do. One day, he wanted to be a real person. Someone with hopes and dreams and was independent of everyone around him. Not a summation of actions and phrases learned from observing others. He wanted to be an active participant in the world. 

What did he want?

“What do I want, Amanda,” he said aloud, hoping the break in silence would spark his brain for some ideas. 

“I don’t know, I’m not you. What do you want?” She muttered back. Something was clearly bothering her as well, but she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it, or anything really, but she responded anyway. She knew that amorphous something she couldn’t identify earlier was still bothering him, and maybe by listening along she could figure it out. Hell, maybe it would help her figure out what was wrong with her. 

“I don’t know, that’s the problem,” he answered back, “There’s something wrong with me. I feel so disconnected from the world. I don’t feel like a real person. Just a collection of learned behaviours.”

“Nah, you’re definitely real.” Amanda gave him a poke as a little joke, maybe it would cheer him up. “Like, maybe sometimes you disappear in that hoodie of yours, or you try, and fail, to act like that masculine version of you your Dad so desperately wants you to be, but there’s a real person behind there somewhere. You just gotta be confident in yourself,” She reassured. 

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“But I’m not! I’m not confident in myself! I feel so bad when I am. I take up too much space. I’m loud. I just wanna hide. I don’t like being looked at. It’s all so difficult. There’s like, this barrier between me and the world, and sometimes I break it and it makes me feel so awful that I rebuild it. I wish I could just get rid of it without spewing glass everywhere. If that makes sense…” Lance trailed off. It didn’t really make sense to him, but it felt true in the way only truth could. 

“It doesn’t, but I understand what you mean anyway.” She responded. 

“Yeah. I mean, I wish I could be confident. Like you, ya know. You’re confident. Know who you are. I don’t…” Lance looked down. He would never say it, but he felt a lot of weird feelings about his friend. Envy was chief among them. Envy for her. Envy to be able to have the confidence she has. Envy to be her, he guessed. It didn’t feel right, or like he was allowed to be envious about her, but it’s what he felt, even if it disgusted him. 

“Don’t you say that! I am not confident in who I am. I mean, maybe I’m confident overall, I definitely try to act that way, but recently I just feel so lost I have no idea who I am or who I’m supposed to be, ya know.” Amanda almost scolded, but toned it down when she realized Lance meant no harm. 

“I don’t understand. You totally know who you are. You’re Amanda and you make sure everyone knows it. You hate dresses and love making your opinion heard. You get to be masculine in ways I can never be. You rejected what your parents tried to push onto. I could never do that. I just ran away until they didn’t love me anymore,” A tear starts to form in Lance’s eyes. It hurt. He felt so bad, but it’s what he truly felt. He just had so much respect for his best friend. She was so cool in so many ways. She was everything he couldn’t be. Maybe he didn’t want to be masculine like she was, but she was able to be masculine in a way that didn’t seem to hurt as much when he thought about it himself, but that wasn’t allowed. He could never have that kind of vibe. 

“Hey, it’s okay. That’s still rejecting them, and I know how it is. It feels like my parents are drifting away more everyday. I know how it feels too. That’s why we got each other, we both know what it’s like to go through this stuff. It’s you and me, man. That’s how it always was, and I’m proud of you for not succumbing to being someone you’re not, it takes effort, and the consequences aren’t fun. You’re doing the best job anyone in the world could, okay Lance?”

That really made Lance feel a lot of things. It made him feel good. Weird. Lots of conflicting feelings in his stomach that he couldn’t place. He wanted to be close to Amanda. He wanted to be like her. He didn’t want to be Lance. Was that so bad? Maybe. It wasn’t like he could ever be anyone else. By now the two had moved to the bench and were sitting next to each other. 

“Thank you, I really appreciate it,” He said, as he took a risk. He wanted to be close to his friend, so he leaned his head against her shoulder. Automatically expecting a rejection, but hoping for something else, he tended up, before relaxing as no rejection came. He was just there, leaning against his best friend, who didn’t have any problems with it. 

In fact, she had stronger feelings than rejection, and she did not like how it made her feel. Having Lance lie his head against hers made her want to get closer to him. She leaned her head against his, and now the two were leaning against each other, staring out at the sun reflected across the lake. It was an intimate moment, especially for the two of them. Neither of them had really ever been close to another person before, other than themselves. Don’t even mention a romantic context. Amanda felt lost and Lance felt too large to ever even think about it and not go crazy, but as Amanda had done many times recently, she was evidently thinking about it. 

Feelings had been triggered by this act of closeness from her friend. It was a rare act of closeness for Lance, but she appreciated it so much. As much as he needed it, so did she, and her thoughts about it almost scared her. She had spent so long fighting off allegations that they were dating. How could she date a boy? She’s been over this so many times. They’re just, so not for her. Maybe one day when she would feel normal they would be, but not now. This was an exception though. Lance didn’t feel like other boys. He made her feel in ways she didn’t know she could feel. Even a small gesture like this, it made sense how someone could eventually develop a crush on a boy, but it didn’t make sense. Any other boy, even a boy like Lance would make her gag. No interest. Why was he different?. What was so special about him? Maybe their extensive relationship, but that isn’t enough to trigger feelings of a crush. 

Woah. She didn’t like the thought of that. Crushing on Lance? She could never do that. She had spent so long denying it that it couldn’t be true. Plus, it’s not like Lance would ever like her. He was so preoccupied with whatever was bothering him that the whole idea of a crush didn’t even register with him, or so it seemed from her perspective anyway. Plus plus, she wasn’t crushing on him anyway. That was stupid and boys were stupid. It was childish but she was still a teenager and childish thoughts were allowed sometimes. Plus plus plus, it would ruin their whole dynamic. Could she imagine? Amanda and Lance dating. It was so absurd. It was so dumb. 

It was such a dumb thought, it almost entertained her for a moment. Then two. Then three. Then it started to scare her. The thought wasn’t leaving. Maybe once she got home, and they parted, she could finally put this dumb little thought to rest. 

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